E
velyn
It’s been four years since I escaped that house of horrors, yet the memories come back to plague me, hanging over my head like a dark cloud. I shoved it to the back of my mind for four years, but it has returned with a vengeance, making me relive every minute.
Is it because of that night in the alleyway? Did that undo everything I worked so hard to suppress? I have always suffered from anxiety, and always found my way back from it; but now, my walls are crumbling, and I am killing myself trying to rebuild them back to the way they were.
Everything I worked so hard to leave behind is now resurfacing in the worst way possible, haunting not only my mind but my body. Panic attacks, something that becomes crippling, the feeling of complete dread threatening to consume you, make you believe it is the end, and sometimes, I wish it were. At least I wouldn’t have to suffer through another, and I wouldn’t have to relive my past.
I wouldn’t have to remember again if it all ended. The nightmares that haunt my sleep and the memories that haunt me when I’m awake are a never-ending cycle. It scares me to sleep, scares me to hear him creeping into my room, scares me to sense the doom that comes when he does. The dreams feel real, feel like it is happening. It doesn’t matter that I am safe away from him; he might as well have been doing it all over again in those moments.
For three days now, I have been awake. I feel like a zombie. My body is on autopilot, yet my mind is reliving a nightmare. I am tired, so tired. I just want to rest, but I know even in my sleep, there is no rest.
I have been staring at this TV for three days, too scared to move. Orion just sits watching with me. Yawning, I stretch. My muscles ache from sitting, my back and neck crack from sitting in this cramped position. I feel Orion watch me as I walk into the kitchen, feel his eyes on my back, boring holes into me. I am nearly out of pills again, only four left in the bottle, and the panicked feeling of knowing I will run out creeps over me.
They help me relax and numb everything around me. Feeling his presence behind me, I look over my shoulder and see him leaning on the counter.
“You need to sleep. If you just sleep, you will feel better.”
Easy for him to say, he doesn’t suffer through the nightmares. Rolling my eyes at him, I bring the pill bottle to my lips, dropping the four pills in my mouth. Maybe he is right; maybe if I could sleep even for an hour, I would feel better. My body is exhausted, and I feel sick and uneasy. Orion snatches the pill bottle from my hand, but he is too late. I have already swallowed them.
“They won’t hurt me. They aren’t strong enough to kill me,” I tell him, but he eyes me carefully.
I have been on these pills for three years now. I know what I can handle and have taken more than the prescribed dose before. They just make me sleepy and numb. I may be many things but never suicidal. Although I have considered it, I would never do it because it will imply that he still has control after all these years. Even though he is dead, I will never give him the satisfaction of knowing that he destroyed me.
Walking up the stairs, I head for the bathroom, wanting to shower. Orion is following me up as he always does. He usually sits on the sink watching me, or sometimes he hops in. I am comfortable in his presence and find him being near relaxing. I can’t explain it.
Orion tries saying it is the bond. I feel comfortable around Thaddeus and Ryland now, but with Orion, I feel safest. Stripping off, I turn the water on and hop in. Only instead of Orion, Thaddeus, and Ryland step into the shower. I look at them, worried. I know they won’t hurt me, yet Thaddeus always makes me feel uneasy, and Ryland’s eyes always roam, making me feel uncomfortable.
“Where is Orion?” I ask. My voice sounds slurred, and they both stare at me for a few seconds.
“He went to get your medication,” Ryland answers, studying me as I lean heavily on the wall.
The pills are kicking in; my muscles are relaxing, and I feel like melting jelly. I shower quickly, knowing I need to get downstairs before I can barely walk. Stepping out, I wrap my towel around me and walk into the bedroom, but now even dressing feels like a major task that I am not up for.
Forcing my limbs to move, I grab one of their shirts, slip it on, and walk out. Heading for the stairs, I have to grip the banister tightly as I feel myself stumble. Only the grip keeps me upright.
Ryland moves closer to me.
“Don’t touch me,” I tell him, and he puts his hands up in surrender, but lingers as I descend the stairs.
I flop heavily on the couch. A giggle escapes my lips at the rush of falling. I must look mad, but I don’t care. My face and limbs are numb, but my mind is awake and alert as I roll on my side, facing the TV. I’m not really watching, but the pictures help, the voices, that sound like a soft murmur, barely reach my ears as I zone out, staring blankly at the TV. Time is slipping by.
I don’t know how much time passes, but Thaddeus eventually leaves me, and I finally relax, knowing he is gone. Minutes tick by slowly as I lose track of time.
My eyes become heavy as I fight sleep. Panic sets in, and I realize I shouldn’t have taken the pills. I need sleep, but the thought scares me. Panic seizes me as I stumble to the kitchen. My mouth feels so dry it leaves an unpleasant taste. I drop the glass into the sink when I try to fill it. Picking it up again, I clutch it with both hands only to drop it again. My fingers are still numb, and I resort to just drinking straight from the faucet.
Walking back to the couch, I flop down, wondering when Orion will be back. Ryland wakes as I sit down, his eyes snap open. I can see how tired he is.
“Go to bed,” I yawn while speaking.
“I will when you do,” he says, yawning, causing me to yawn. Is it true that yawning is contagious?
Thaddeus walks downstairs, sitting next to me before retrieving the remote. He flicks through the channels until a growl leaves him when he realizes the only thing on is infomercials. He drops his back on the couch, and I watch him. He seems tired, too, and his aura feels electrified. Even Ryland looks at him worriedly, feeling the vibe he is giving off.