25

I feel my entire body tense, and I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, trying to fight them off. I feel Ryland pull his hand from my pants.
Thaddeus growls at me, making my eyes snap open. I try to breathe, find my grounding place, try to remember the mantra that always saves me. My breathing is coming harder as I try to shove the memory aside, to remember it’s not happening and that I am not in that monster’s den.
I feel his greasy hands on my body, the bourbon on his breath, the pale-yellow color of his skin. I try to get up and remove myself, and I feel hands grip me as I stumble off the bed. My vision is becoming tunneled, and I try to force myself to take a breath, to force the air into my lungs as my heart beats erratically in my chest.
My hands reach for the nightstand where I know my handbag is. Muttering my mantra, trying to ground myself, I grab the bottle of pills, only for it to slip from my shaking hands, and the tunnel vision worsens as dark spots take over my vision.
I welcome the darkness; it’s where I feel safest because it makes it go away. Makes the feelings go away, the shame, weakness, the dirty feeling of being used. Darkness wraps around me, and I take a breath of air as it sucks me under.
T
haddeus
She is fine. I can feel her through Ryland. She feels safe and likes what he is doing to her. She is a little shocked and uneasy at her reaction to us but I can tell she is new to pleasure. She wants to know what it feels like. Her inexperience shows in how she doesn’t know what she is feeling, just that she likes it.
That’s why I ask; why I ask if she wants him to stop. I can still feel her fear of us, but our hands override it, touching her. I can smell her arousal perfuming the air; she is so lost in the feeling of us that she hasn’t noticed Orion, watching from the armchair. He wants her not to fear us, so he gives us this moment with her.
Then, she freezes, her entire body locks up when Ryland pushes his finger inside her. I pull back slightly, and the look on her face is like she is somewhere else, trapped wherever her mind has taken her. Her face becomes flushed like she can’t breathe, and I feel her struggle to take a breath. It reminds me of when she first saw us when we stepped into the cafe.
The feelings from Ryland are pure panic and fear, and they take my breath away. She clutches my skin, her nails dig into me, breaking the skin on my shoulders as she thrashes, tears roll down her cheeks and off her chin.
I growl. I don’t mean to scare her. Her eyes snap to mine, but it is like she is looking straight through me, that vacant look in her eyes as they dart around the room. Getting off the bed, she gets up, and she gasps for air, her hands tremble, and she nearly falls off the bed.
I grab her arm to steady her, trying to figure out what she wants when Orion calls out.
“Her bag, her pills,” he says, and I watch her digging through it, trying to find them, muttering to herself.
“See, feel, touch. See, feel, touch.”
I have no idea what she is talking about.
When she finds the pills, she drops them onto the floor. I watch her eyes roll into her head, and her face goes slack as she plummets to the floor. Catching her, I scoop her up, cradling her to my chest. Her breathing is going back to normal. Ryland looks pale and his hands tremble. His canines protrude from his lips, and I can feel guilt run through him. Orion, noticing it too, stands up, rubbing his arm.
Ryland must have felt her emotions ten times worse than us because of his mark on her neck. What I felt makes me sick to my stomach, so whatever he feels must be crippling. Ryland’s skin returns to normal, and his breathing slows. He closes his eyes, fighting against every emotion running through him, replacing it with a rage so strong, it nearly knocks me over.
“I don’t understand; she was fine. What did I do?” he asks, questioning himself, questioning everything he did, guilt and anger flooding into me.
“You did nothing. Something must have triggered something,” Orion tells him as he looks over at Evelyn in my arms. I inhale her scent and can no longer smell fear radiating off her, and her body relaxes in my arms as she stirs. “We can ask her when she wakes up,” Orion says, staring at her as she stirs in my arms.
Walking downstairs, I sit with her on my lap, her head on my shoulder. Orion hands me the bottle of pills and places a glass of water on the lamp table next to me.
“She will wake soon; I can feel her consciousness fighting to come back,” Ryland says, watching her worriedly.
Orion sits next to me, and I open the bottle of pills, finding two left. “How many?” I ask, looking at Orion.
“Lisa gave her two,” he says, a little unsure.
“Were there more in her bag?” I ask. Orion shakes his head. “One of us might have to head to the city.”
“I will go; I am faster,” Orion says.
“Shouldn’t you be here when she wakes? I can go.”
“Why?” he asks while putting on his jacket.
“You know why; she likes you more,” I tell him, though it pains me to say it.
“You will be fine; just don’t yell at her or force her to do anything. Ryland will be here, and I will only be gone for an hour, max. If you go, or Ryland, you won’t be back till tonight,” he says, and I nod, knowing he is right. Orion is way quicker and knows his way around the city better.
“Maybe when she wakes up, phone Amara,” Orion says, making my eyes snap to him. I haven’t spoken to my sister in years. “If she won’t tell us what happened, maybe Amara may know.”
“Amara would need a photo or something of hers to pick her up,” I tell him.
“Just see what she says when she wakes up. She might tell us, if she feels comfortable enough,” Orion says.
“Maybe I should go?” Ryland offers.
Orion shakes his head. “You can feel her emotions, know what they are. You should stay. I won’t be long. By the way, what she was muttering was her trying to ground herself. I read a book on it once. Panic attacks can lessen or stop if they ground themselves. Something they can see, something they can feel, and something they can touch and taste,” Orion tells us.
I raise an eyebrow at what he just told us. “Makes no sense to me,” I tell him.
“No, but obviously it does to her.”
I nod and watch as he bolts out the door. Ryland gets up, shutting it behind him. Slowly, he comes back and sits next to me, brushing her hair out of her face.
We sit in silence, waiting for her to wake up. Twenty minutes pass, and I see Ryland straighten up and glance at her. Evelyn sits upright suddenly, and I hear her heart rate rise as she looks around frantically until she spots us; and she takes a deep breath.
Ryland grabs the glass of water, hands it to her, and she clutches it, her hands only trembling slightly as she takes a sip. I open my hand, revealing the two pills, and she pinches them with her fingers before popping them in her mouth and downing the rest of the glass.
She then leans against me, and I rub my hand up her back. Ryland and I are unsure what to do. I suddenly wish Orion stayed; he is better with humans than us.
The silence is becoming deafening. I don’t know what to say. Is there a right or wrong thing to say? Suddenly she gets up, walking into the kitchen. Her movements are a little sluggish as she fills up her glass, drinks it and refills it again. Ryland and I follow her. She seems fine, like nothing has happened, and then I realize we aren’t getting answers from her. She is just going to pretend like nothing happened; push whatever it is away like it doesn’t exist.