“Do you want to continue with your little game?” I laughed in his face, stunned. He really is prepared to get what he wants, isn’t he? “What are you after now? Information or a quick lay?”
Another grimace, as if I had struck a chord in his heart. Where did he learn to act? Was it before he started dealing drugs or what? He was too good. I believed everything since we first met. Maybe they trained him well, or maybe I’ve always been naive. Or perhaps a bit of both. “Don’t say that, you were never just a fling to me.”
“Then what was I to you, Donovan?”
A part of me wanted to hear the truth, that I was merely a tool for his shady dealings. I needed him to be honest with me, just once. But another part of me doubted whether I could handle it.
“We didn’t just sleep together, Celina. You know it was more than just a casual hookup.”
“What? We made love?” I laughed hysterically a few times, unable to grasp the depths humans can sink to. “You’re pathetic.”
One of my words must have struck a nerve because he moved closer, so swiftly that he grabbed my hand and pressed it hard against his chest. I didn’t even have time to react. “I am. I know I am. But that’s what it was. We connected in a way I’ve never experienced with anyone else, so it bothers me that you’re belittling it.”
I pulled my hand away, repulsed by his touch. “You’re bothered?” You need to leave. “Look, I want nothing more to do with you, ever. Right now, all I need from you is the documents you stole from Dave’s office.”
“Did he hurt you?”
“Do you suddenly care if something bad happens to me? You should’ve thought of that before.”
“Dave took your mother to blackmail you, didn’t he?” In a desperate move, he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me close. “I’ll get you out of this, Celina. I will…”
“Shut up!” I screamed in his face, but he remained unmoved. “You’ve done enough. Give me the damn papers, and if you truly care, from time to time, you’ll feed me information, whether it’s relevant or not.”
“I can’t do that…”
“Then my mother and I are done for, all because of you.”
He held me for a few moments longer until determination flashed in his eyes. He let go, then rummaged through the cabinet next to the kitchen. As he failed to find what he sought, he began to throw out its contents: glass cups, jars, everything.
With nothing left to throw, he strode purposefully over to the couch, moving it aside as if it were merely a chair. A section at the bottom of the wall looked cut out. Donovan pulled out a blade, flipping it open. He reached in, extracting one disturbing item after another.
There was a thick bundle of cash, then a gun, and afterward… a massive pile of documents. It wasn’t just Dave’s stuff; there was much more.
“Take these,” he handed over all the documents he’d pulled from the wall’s hidden compartment. “This will serve your purpose with Dave, but you won’t stay there. I’ll get you out, Celina.”
If he only knew what his words did to me. If he only realized that up until two months ago, I would’ve gone anywhere with him, just to be close, to continue feeling the profound joy he sparked within me. Damn it, that’s all I ever craved every morning.
Now, the only reason I get up every day is my mother. I don’t even care about surviving anymore; I’ve tried hard enough. “Just… stay away from me, please.”
I started walking toward the door when he spoke again. “And your mother?”
“I’ll find a way to save her, but not with your help.” I could almost hear the “click” of the door shutting behind me, but it never came. Instead, I felt someone swiftly grab me from behind, pulling me back into the room.
“What if I promise never to leave again?” He swiftly wrapped his arm around my waist, shutting the door I had just opened and pushing me against it, trapping me with his body against mine. “What if I vow never to abandon you again?” His other hand found my cheek, caressing, cherishing the moment. And for a split second, it was all so palpable-his warmth, his intense hold, and those eyes. Oh, God, that glint. How I missed that glint. “Let’s run away together, anywhere. We’ll settle down far from here, take your mother with us. I have money… I could tell you everything… Just give me a couple of days to sort it out and…”
Suddenly, doubt clouded his features. Yet again, my foolish self, melting at the slightest affection this boy could offer. It was the rude awakening I needed to push him away once more.
“You’re delusional. After everything you’ve done, you think I’d just run off with you?” My voice wavered between pain and the crushing realization that we could never be together. That everything I believed we had never truly existed.
“I’m deeply sorry for everything I put you through. Everything I said to keep you away… I never saw you as bothersome, hateful, or least of all dull. I never intended to shout at you, mistreat you, or belittle you. It was already hard enough for me to stay away, let alone when you also yearned to be with me. I never stopped loving you, Celina.” He was breathless, struggling for air, and what hurt the most were the tears streaming down his face. This wasn’t the Donovan I knew. “From the moment I saw you, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I swear, from the very start, I tried to protect you, even if it meant sacrificing my own desires. I know I messed up, and I’m truly sorry.”
I began to cry uncontrollably, but his hesitance to approach me gave me a hint of his intentions. He wanted to say goodbye. -“Being with you was like an escape from my endless worries. I was so drained before I met you… You were a breath of fresh air for my heart, my body, and my mind, the only one I’ve had in years. I’m glad for you, realizing I’m not worth it… Hopefully, we’ll see each other again someday, maybe in a few months, and you’ll understand why I did all that I did. Only then can I stand before you as the man I always wished to be for you, even if by then it’s too late.” He exhaled deeply and wiped away tears with his hands, tears I couldn’t tell if they were genuine or not. He looked at his own hands, letting out a bitter laugh and shrugging, my heart contracting in response. I could almost hear his hoarse voice mocking himself, “Pathetic, isn’t it?” -“You should go; he’s waiting for you.” He nodded slightly towards the door. “He’s a good guy. I’ve heard it from a reliable source.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something or someone as intensely as I want you,” I dared to say, struggling to keep myself from throwing myself into his arms. “I don’t think I’ll ever love someone as deeply as I love you.” Donovan grimaced as his face contorted, my words clearly hurting him. “But I can’t trust you again.”
With all the urge to run to him and hold him, I chose to walk away, feeling pieces of my heart drop with every step I took away from him.