“Just like that?”
Cris bombards me with questions ever since he entered my room. What happened with Donovan occurred just a few hours ago and I didn’t say a word to Cris until we got home and got out of the car. Besides, I wasn’t exactly in the mood to explain something I didn’t understand myself.
“Just like that,” I responded dryly, lying back on my bed. He lay down beside me.
Cris took my hand, and without looking at him, I could be sure he was looking at me. “Do you want to cry?”
“Nope.”
“Yell?”
“Nope.”
“Hit something?”
“No, not that either.”
“Hit him?”
A brief silence. “There’s no point. Donovan never was.”
Cris let out a soft laugh and pinched my arm. “You already knew that, darling.”
I imitated him and smiled. “I know, that made me want him more.”
“Honest. I like it,” he sat down at the foot of the bed, grabbing my ankle and pulling me to his side. “After this, I don’t want to see you in a sea of tears, okay? If you’re going to cry, do it now, because later, I won’t be mentally prepared to say the right words during one of your fits of rage. I’ve been practicing all the way from school for this.”
I didn’t know what would happen when he left me alone in this room, and I couldn’t ask him to stay all night, even though I wanted to. I knew I was going to feel Donovan’s absence and that was starting to irritate me.
“Are you okay?” he asked apprehensively. He was probably starting to see on my face the emptiness I was feeling in my stomach as I tried to brace myself for how terrible this night was going to be.
What if Donovan showed up? What if this was all a really shitty joke? Anger and hope began to invade me, while the need for Cris to leave was so strong that I took his hand, encouraged him to get up, led him to the hallway leading to my door, turned back, and shut the door in his face. I needed to be alone and cry for how stupid I was being at this moment, thinking it would be like a miracle if Donovan climbed through my window and lay down next to me. He wasn’t some god to be worshipped, he was just a guy. Just another guy.
Just another guy.
Just another guy.
Just another guy.
I repeated those same words over and over.
Just another guy.
It didn’t matter that Cris was banging on the door, trying to get me to unlock it.
Just another damn guy. I seem like a broken record asking myself a thousand times “Why…?” to everything Donovan did in my life and asking “Why…?” a thousand more times to try to explain my feelings, clearly inexplicable because, I’m honest, I never could answer any of my stupid questions since that asshole came into my life.
Yes.
The same asshole who caused such instability in me, that I ended up kicking my only friend out like a freaking lunatic. Such imbalance occupies my head, allowing me to keep Cris literally standing outside for about an hour before he gave up and left.
The same asshole I decided to wait for all night.
The same asshole I waited for all damn night to kill the little ray of hope that remained inside me.
The same asshole that made me realize.
The real fool was me.
***
“Aren’t you going to talk to me?” I walked alongside Cris, trying to keep up with his hurried pace, which was clearly a result of him wanting to ignore me.
When I didn’t receive a response from him, I grabbed his sweatshirt and forced him to stop, or, worst-case scenario, I was going to rip his garment, and I knew that if that happened, he was going to cry.
When he stopped, he looked at me with a deep furrowed brow, shooting daggers from his eyes. “Now you want to talk to me?”
“Don’t be dramatic…”
The instant those words left my mouth, I wanted to slap myself. While Cris was dramatic, the worst choice of words I could choose were those. He opened his mouth in a big O, his hand went to his chest, and he acted even more tragic than before, turning around and quickly walking away from me again.
Running after him again. “I’m sorry about last night, I was angry and didn’t want to take it out on you…”
He scoffed. “Great way to not take it out on me.”
“I know, you’re right…” He was, but it irritated me to see how he was not hesitating with anything he said. “Will you forgive me? Or should I stop trying?”
Cris stopped quickly, causing me to crash into his back. He turned around slowly with a raised eyebrow and a half-smile. “You give up that easily? I wanted you to beg me a little more, you could cry, you know? To make it more real. Show me your remorse, Celina,” he suddenly took my shoulders for added emphasis to his performance. “This isn’t what I rehearsed in my room,” while I was in a sort of shock from his sudden change of mood, he interlocked his arm with mine. “I even had a speech about friendship. Do you want to hear it? It’s very good…”
He could be an actor. “I hate you.”
“What?”
We started walking and I took a deep breath to be able to say the next words without messing up. “You scared me, I thought you were really mad at me and would never talk to me again.”
“I was very angry with you, but I appreciate that you sought me out. Even though I prepared my excellent speech to show you what a bad friend you are, I didn’t think you would make the first move. You know, being a damn proud person, in addition to your recent breakup… I don’t understand how you’re so stable.”
I shrugged it off. “It wasn’t a breakup, he was never my boyfriend.”
He nodded his head, biting his lip and holding back his reproach.
“I want to leave this city, I’ve been looking at universities, you have to help me decide, but other than that, what will you do?” Cris inquired very enthusiastically, continuing to walk backwards, just to watch me and prevent me from walking normally.
“If you keep walking like this, you’re going to trip, Cris,” I informed him, trying to dodge him to clear my path. “Besides, why are you looking for a university? You have more than a year to decide that, I only have months.”
“The real question here is, why aren’t you looking for a university, darling?” He tried to mimic my aunt’s voice without success, which made me laugh. He was an idiot who made me late for classes, which, by the way, was happening, fifteen minutes late and nobody at the entrance.
Once we were at the entrance of the building, he had no choice but to stop giving me his full attention and open the doors, when that happened, I took my chance and ran to my class, leaving Cris behind.
“Sorry, I’m late for class, talk to me later!” I yelled without looking at him and I could hear a very funny “Bitch” as I left.
I interrupted my class in the least noisy way possible, but clearly nothing was going to alleviate all the stares that were on me for being late. Only one gaze wasn’t drilling into me and it was the one I was most interested in seeing. Donovan wasn’t here.
And another award for thinking about the one thing I shouldn’t be.
“Are you planning to stay there all day?” asked my professor in the grossest possible way known to mankind… Well, it’s an exaggeration, and if I were to refer to someone with that attribute, it wouldn’t be the professor, but Jessi. Without answering him, I went to my seat and put my backpack on the floor.
I realized that Donovan wouldn’t always be here, bothering me. I tried to constantly remind myself that he had hurt me using words to try to lighten the moment, “it’s best for both of us.” I knew I shouldn’t care about his absence. I hated him. I told him so. I don’t regret it. I will never forget what he did to me and how stupid I was for the thousandth consecutive time in my life, it no longer mattered, I would keep messing up no matter what I did, that seemed to be my destiny and it no longer bothered me, now every time I think too much, I numb, and that’s what I was about to do.