I was watching Donovan arguing with a woman in front of the school. I’d never seen her before, but from her clothing, she seemed older, in her mid-twenties. It wouldn’t be worrisome if she didn’t look so angry and if he wasn’t trying to get her to leave. They were having a dispute, and I could safely say Donovan didn’t want to be seen with her, I guessed as much because when he turned and his eyes met mine, he grimaced, making his anger clear. She also looked at me. And damn it, why were they looking at me like that?
Her light brown hair reached her waist, her slender figure intimidated me, she was almost as tall as Donovan, which says a lot. Her entire outfit was formal, as if after this, she was going to an important business meeting. Very beautiful woman… So much so that I got nervous remembering that my hair was a mess, I was five foot two, dressed in my usual clothes, and compared to her, I had very bad taste in clothing.
Ignoring that, I remembered where I was and how my presence was unsettling Donovan even more, but I was compelled to look at him, I couldn’t help but be curious. So, I did my best to turn around and leave, heading straight to Cris.
***
“Come to your hideout.”
Ten minutes later, I received a message from him.
Just that text made me feel all over the place, and there were only ten more minutes until classes started.
I remember laughing with Cris about my idiotic behavior since I’ve been with Donovan, which let me know it wasn’t bad, but rather a kind of “cute idiocy”. Yes, I was hooked and I loved feeling this way. Love in its purest form. That’s exactly how I would define the month I spent with him and yet, it felt strange to confine myself to the word “love”, but I can’t find another word to express that I never felt as right and free as when I was in his arms and yes, I was irrevocably taken by his love.
He did in a month what I couldn’t do in years. Turn me into a happy girl.
I would like to think that regardless of whether we stay together or not, I would be grateful for that, but I always had a bad feeling… all the time this unease in my chest telling me that one day he will hurt me, and he will do it willingly, so I wouldn’t be honest enough talking about gratitude.
Getting back to the message, as soon as I read it, I looked at Cris a bit wildly and let him know that Donovan was asking me to see him. He smiled mischievously and nodded… I would have liked to return his smile.
I wasn’t running, but I moved fast enough not to alarm any of my schoolmates, hoping that what happened with Donovan wasn’t bad, that he just wanted to see me and tell me what happened earlier. I was hoping for that.
“What’s going on?” I asked as soon as I saw him stiff in front of me. He seemed upset. Very upset, for a change. He didn’t even look at me when I showed up, quite out of breath. By the way, I was in very bad shape, I couldn’t even walk fast without getting tired.
Donovan changed his furrowed brow for a relaxed look in a second, those mood swings scared me. “I can’t be with you anymore.”
Boom.
There it was.
Direct hit in my chest.
At least, direct enough to make me falter. But I said nothing.
“I’m sorry, Cel, I really am, but I got confused and I’m really sorry for dragging you into that confusion.”
He said it so calmly and with such disinterest that it provoked a fury that began to emerge from the pit of my stomach to my inflamed head. I couldn’t think clearly and I didn’t care.
“What exactly did you get confused about?” I managed to say with a lot of effort, trying to remember what calmness was if I ever had it.
I wish I was hurt enough to not want to hear the answer to the question, but right now, I’m dying to hear it. I’m dying to hear those words come out of his damn mouth.
He’s half laughing, oh my God. Is this some kind of sick joke? I feel like I’m about to break and he’s laughing?
Donovan leaned against the wall and shrugged. “About us.”
And there’s the answer I needed to hear.
“Oh my God,” I whispered, praying that the sharp pain in my head and my rising rage would stop. It didn’t. “Oh my God, I graduate as a licentiate of idiots. No, excuse me, doctorate… No! Even better…”
“I want to be your friend,” he dared to put his hands on my shoulders and almost reflexively, I pushed him so hard he fell to the ground. And I say almost because a big part of me wanted to hit him ever since he started breaking my heart.
“Really? Friends? You’ll let me be your friend? Wow, Donovan, thank you so much. You know what? I’m leaving, I’m not going to have this stupid conversation. You fucked me, you got what you wanted, congratulations, I hope you enjoyed it. If the one you were with a while ago is your next conquest, good luck, though I wish with all my might that not all of them are as idiotic as I am.”
I thought I saw a small expression of pain on his face, but it was so minimal that I didn’t know if I had imagined it just to believe that something of what I might say to him still affected him. Just to believe that he ever felt something for me.
As I was about to get away from him, in a second, he had grabbed my arm to prevent me from leaving, I didn’t even feel when he got up from the floor.
“Don’t touch me…” I said through gritted teeth, taking every bit of self-control I know not to push him again.
“That’s not what I wanted, Celina, I swear, my intention with you was never just sex. And she’s nobody, just a pain from the bar,” His voice sounded somewhat desperate, but his expression was frozen in a apathy that left me feeling nothing but disdain.
“Why are you explaining to me? I’m not interested anymore, Donovan.”
Actually, I was interested enough to want to run away from him and scream but, even though I tried to free myself from his grip, he didn’t budge a bit.
“I don’t want to leave, I want to stay with you as friends.”
“I don’t want to, Donovan.”
“Why?”
He asks why? No, this is a fucking joke. He can’t be a sane person. This is the last straw. I exploded.
“Because right now, I hate you, I hate you so much, you have no idea how much! Now let go of me and leave me alone. And this time, forever. I can be without you and everything that you represent in my life. I swear, Donovan, if you get in my way again, you will be very sorry, I know what you do.”
Those words were the key to getting him to let me go. He showed me his hands in a sign of surrender and started to laugh, in a cynical way. “That’s a very low blow, darling.”
I shook my head and laughed just like him. I wanted to cry, but the person in front of me would never know. “The only thing you give me are low blows… darling.”
“If that’s what you want, fine. Do what you want. But never come near me again, Celina, because I also know how to play dirty. I wanted us to stay as friends, because I feel sorry for you, but you’re not very grateful, to say the least.”
Well, it was confirmed, he was a bastard and the tears wouldn’t take long to appear. I can’t believe I was with him and I can’t fathom the extent of cruelty a person can have, but I knew that everything he said before was meant to hurt me and that he truly believed it would make him feel better in his pathetic world.
“Go to hell for using me, Donovan. Did you think you would feel better with me? No, you’re really screwed, nobody can save you.” I turned around and without giving him a last look, I said: “I may be in love with you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll put up with this shit every time your head goes fucking crazy. Not anymore.”