Laughing, kissing, hugging, professing eternal love… That’s what I thought we would be doing right now.
Instead, he’s at one end of the bed and I’m at the other, foolishly watching him, waiting for him to say or do something.
This is the first time being next to him feels cold, in fact, he’s cold, distant, and angry. Why? I don’t know. All I know is that a wave of insecurity is washing over me. Did I do something wrong? Did I do anything right?!
Each damned second of silence is a heavy dose of torture for me, leaving me clueless about what to do or say. I don’t know whether to touch him, kiss him, hit him, or yell at him.
“Did I do something wrong?” I started looking at my hands.
The bed shifted. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him sit up, his elbows were on his knees, and he ran his hands through his hair in exasperation and pulled. I saw his entire back tense up, even though I was angry with him, I couldn’t stop thinking about him being naked next to me. Parts of my body started to heat up again… parts, did I say? My entire body heated up again.
“Does it hurt a lot?” His voice was rough and firm. He didn’t even look at me. He just stared blankly at the kitchen.
“Not really. I feel a bit of discomfort but I think I’ll survive.”
Lie. It hurts. A lot. Once Nick pulled away from me, I became aware of the pain. In the heat of the act, I forgot a bit about the irritation and the pain of my walls opening for the first time, I just thought about us together, doing it. Connecting, and sharing something that was very important to me.
His face turned sharply to see mine. He looked hurt. His jaw clenched.
“That’s a fucking lie, Samantha. I know it hurts. You’re squeezing your thighs every two seconds. God, this…”
He looked back at the kitchen. He yanked off the sheets that covered everything below his hip and stood up, leaving his damned enticing backside exposed.
Three seconds later he put on his pants and I sat up, forgetting that I’m completely naked. A twinge of pain lodged itself between my thighs, it’s so strong that I can’t help but let out a small moan.
Nick is instantly in front of me. Placing his hands as delicately as possible on my shoulders and laying me down against my will back on the bed.
“Stay here, Samantha. Don’t move,” he said through gritted teeth. I was conscious enough to see his arousal growing. I don’t understand…
“Where are you going? Are you planning on leaving after we just did this…? What’s wrong with you?” It was the first time I felt so pissed off and didn’t cry from powerlessness.
“Samantha, can you please calm down?” We both started to fill the silence that had enveloped the room just a few minutes ago.
“No! I can’t!” I screamed, technically on the verge of complete insanity.
“I just need to calm down. To think.”
“Was it so bad that you want to escape? It’s my first fucking time, Nick.”
“That’s not it, Samantha. It’s just…”
He released me and began pacing the room like a madman. I sat up again, this time covering myself with the sheets.
“It was your first time and I… I was a beast, a complete animal. I wasn’t gentle as I swore I would be. I hurt you and you still ask if you did something wrong? I feel like a complete shit and I’m still trying to figure out where the hell my self-control went. Now I’m trying like hell not to start yelling at you how stupid you are for asking me if you did something wrong when it’s obvious you’re in too much pain to even get out of bed. You still want to know? Being inside you was like being in fucking heaven! You were the best I’ve ever had and it pisses me off more knowing that while I was enjoying it, you were trying to hold back the tears!” A growl came out of his mouth after saying this. I was in a kind of state of shock. Never in a million years did I imagine that he would be this angry about it.
My first reaction was to watch him while he stared at the floor with his fists clenched.
My second reaction was to lie down and stare at the ceiling.
And the third was… to laugh. To laugh heartily.
“What the hell is so funny?” I stopped laughing, but my smile was still there.
“You are the most exasperating, bipolar, jerk, bastard, and sweet guy I’ve ever met,” I turned my head until he was in my line of sight. I raised my hand and beckoned him with a finger.
He stood watching me for around two minutes. He was still debating whether to walk out the door or heed my call.
“Nick, either you come here, or I’m going there.” He continued to stand there. I rolled my eyes and sat up to start getting up.
He quickly beat me to it, laid me back in the bed, and stayed by my side, not touching me.
“Nick, can you stop punishing yourself? It was going to hurt anyway, and I barely felt anything more than pleasure and love while we were doing it. It didn’t hurt until we finished and it’s a pain I can handle, Nick. And I would feel it a thousand times more if it means experiencing what we did together again. You don’t have to feel bad, because I loved how you made me feel. Loved, unique, special, the luckiest woman on earth. I love you, and please don’t regret it because I don’t.”
The emotion in his eyes made me want to hug him and soothe him against my shoulder. But he beat me to it.
My leg fell between his, his left arm hugging me by the waist. My head on his chest and I was tracing his neck with the tip of my index finger. Although I didn’t look directly at him, I know he’s looking at me.
“I never imagined doing this with you,” he said in a hoarse voice, “not in a million years would I have imagined you by my side at this moment and sometimes I think this is a dream where when I wake up, you’ll still be living in Portland and me here, without you. Damn, just to imagine it…”
“I’m not a dream, I am and will be with you always, Nick,” I kissed his cheek and then sucked on his neck. He smiles.
“Samantha, I recommend you don’t do that if you don’t want a second round.”
“Who said I don’t want to?”
“Do you remember we just finished yelling at each other, or do you have amnesia? It hurts. It hurts me that you’re hurting, there shouldn’t be a second round,” he said tenderly.
“It doesn’t hurt that much…”
“Samantha.”
“Alright, alright. You’re boring.”
“I can assure you I’m anything but boring.”
Just as I was about to challenge him that if he wasn’t, we would be on to round two by now, his phone started ringing in his pocket.
He answered without looking at who it was.
“Yes?” His eyes closed quickly. “I told you I don’t want to hear from you again. Don’t call me again.”
He hung up and turned off the phone.
“An acquaintance…” he said before I could ask. I still wanted to know more, but I didn’t insist.
“What do we do now?”
“Well. You’re going to stay here while I cook something. I’m starving.”
“What will you make us?”
“Us? Excuse me, I only cook for myself.”
I put on the fakest angry face of my life.
He kissed my forehead and placed his on mine.
“What do you want to eat?”
“Do you want me to answer that?”
“What happened to your innocent side that I knew an hour ago?” he asked laughing.
“She died along with my virginity.”
He kissed my lips and then whispered into them…
“I also plan on eating something, but now it’s temporarily not on the menu. And what you want is not on it either.”
“That’s a shame…”
“I think the same…”
And just like that, he left for the kitchen.