“Samantha!” Eva yelled behind me.
“Damn, damn, damn!”
I tried to pull away from Nick a little, but as I stepped back, I knocked someone to the floor.
“What the hell?!” The guy on the floor roared. I tried to bend down to help him, but someone pushed me, so I fell on top of him.
“What are you doing?! Get off!” This time our faces were too close. I tried to get up but someone stepped on my back, so I got closer to the guy. So much so… our mouths were touching.
Immediately, I moved my head. The room wasn’t very well lit, so I couldn’t see the guy very well, the only thing I could distinguish was his hand reaching for my neck and pushing me back to his mouth.
Someone grabbed my arm and pulled me away abruptly. “No! Let me go!” I yelled at the person.
I’m not sure what I did, but they let me go. I knew it was Nick, so I didn’t stop to see if I had hurt him, I just ran out of the house, feeling very sick.
As soon as I found a bush, the first thing I did was throw up everything that was left in my stomach.
The combination of crying and vomiting was not a good one.
They grabbed my hair and held it so it wouldn’t get dirty.
After a few minutes, I stopped throwing up and stayed still. Angrily, I took off the hands that were holding my hair and looked at Nick.
I let out a small sigh and the tears started again, followed by several sharp, ragged breaths. He tried to hug me but I didn’t let him, I took several steps back from him.
His tortured eyes didn’t move me. For the first time, I didn’t want to console him, I wanted to hit him.
He approached me slowly. “Samantha, I’m sorry. I don’t know what the hell went through my head, but you saw it, I didn’t touch her, I stopped…”
I slapped him, cutting him off. He touched his cheek and opened his eyes wide.
“What the hell are you doing?” He murmured, surprised.
“You humiliate me, try to hurt me, and then you say you love me? Then you come looking for me, asking for forgiveness, and think everything will be fine? You were going to kiss her right in front of me, Nick! How can anyone call that love?!”
“I’m sorry, I was blinded by what happened with that guy, I didn’t think for two seconds about the situation, God, I’m an idiot.”
“It was an accident! I fell and someone stepped on my back, I couldn’t stop myself when my body went closer to him and accidentally our lips collided! Besides, was that an excuse to kiss her?!” He stayed silent. I shook my head several times and looked at the floor, “I don’t know why you do this to me, I just don’t know why I even try anymore.”
“Don’t cry, don’t cry.”
I hate crying. I hate feeling this pain in my chest. I hate not being able to stop feeling miserable. It’s not supposed to be like this. Love is supposed to be something beautiful, one of the most sought-after things by people, but for me it’s only suffering and at this moment I’m wondering if it would be better never to fall in love again, never to love, never to feel.
Nick wrapped his arm around my waist, I didn’t move away and he took me to the car. We got in and he started driving, silent, looking out the window at the night sky.
When we got to the apartment, the first thing I did was lock myself in the bathroom. My face was scary, I washed it, brushed my teeth, and sat on the cold floor for a few minutes.
The door opened, it was Nick. I grabbed the towel that was next to me and threw it at him, signaling for him to leave, but he dodged it and sat next to me, shaking his head.
“I don’t know why I act like this, Hel. I’ve never been jealous in my life and I’ve never been in a relationship, I don’t know what to do with this, these feelings, it’s all new. I love you, I really do…”
“Do you love me? Then show it. Words don’t mean shit to me, I need to know for sure that you do because it seems like you’re just playing with my feelings and I’m being completely honest when I say it hurts. It hurts too much.”
Again, he was silent. It makes me even worse that he doesn’t know what to say to me, that he can’t assure me that he won’t try to hurt me again. I don’t want to be around to see how he ends up doing it.
“I’m not going to stay with you anymore,” His head jerked towards me instantly. “I’m going to get a job and pay for an apartment. I can’t do this anymore, Nick. I tried, I really did, but this is killing me more than it’s killing you. I just can’t anymore.”
I stood up ready to call Eva, so she could pick me up. I walked out of the bathroom and before I got to the kitchen, he grabbed my wrist and tried to pull me towards his chest. I tried to resist, so I stumbled on the bed. We fell together.
He took advantage of the situation to grab my wrists. I was under him.
“Nick, let me go.”
“Are you really going to leave me? I’m trying to change for you. I love you, you can’t just leave. Realize that if you leave, you’ll never be happy, and neither will I.”
“And is this happiness? Do you think I’m happy? You always do something to hurt me, I cry, my fucking chest hurts and then you apologize, expecting me to forgive you. I do and then you hurt me again. I’m stuck in a vicious cycle that I don’t want to be in, Nick.”
Tears began to accumulate in my eyes. I started biting my upper lip to try to hold them back.
“I didn’t kiss her Samantha, I didn’t!” He put his face in the crook of my neck. “Can’t you forgive me?”
I let the tears fall. He loosened his grip on my wrists. I took that moment to completely break free of his hold. “If you want to leave, go. If you feel you can’t, then you can’t.”
He quickly moved from the bed and locked himself in the room. I knew I shouldn’t stay. But I loved him, I wanted us to have a passionate, crazy, tender love, but I didn’t want to, nor was I willing to continue the toxic relationship we were leading. I wanted to turn back time just a few hours, where we were a normal couple.
I shakily got up and knocked on the door where he was. It took him a few seconds to open it, it moved me to see his eyes a little glazed over, my hands went to his shoulders and then, to his cheeks. He quickly leaned in to give me a chaste kiss on the lips, but I wanted more, as always.
I entwined my hands in his neck and gave him a deep kiss. He tensed up, lifted me, and I could feel how his member grew.