“I still don’t know,” I replied. But I still wanted to return to the initial topic. “Now, answer me. What does it matter that I touched you that day?”
“Why did you break up with your boyfriend?” He asked me in return.
“Answer me first, and then I’ll answer that.” He let out a deep sigh and lay down next to me.
Looking at the ceiling, he began to speak. “Do you remember that day… the day I received a letter from my father?”
Yes, I remember it perfectly…
Many years ago… (Flashback begins)
Nick, John, and I were playing hide-and-seek outside, in the backyard of my aunt’s house.
“One, two, three…” John began counting while Nick and I hid together.
Nick took my hand and crouched down to my level. “Listen, Sam. I want to hide there.”
He pointed to the small abandoned barn several meters away from us. That barn really scared me. John and Nick had once taken me there at night. Nick didn’t want me to go, but John insisted. He started to scare me with a dead bird, and I began to cry. Nick lifted me into his arms and told John he was a fool. Then he took me home and lay down with me so I could stop crying and fall asleep.
“I’m really scared,” I said, making a face.
“You’ll be with me. I won’t let anything happen to you. Do you trust me?”
Of course, I trusted him. He always looked after me.
“Let’s go,” I ran to the barn. Nick followed me, laughing.
Once we got there, I checked the place where the bird had been, but it was no longer there.
“Calm down, Sam. The bird is no longer here,” he took my hand and led me to the back of the barn.
“Did you remove it?” I asked, whispering. I didn’t want John to find us.
“Yep,” he replied. “Why are you whispering?” he whispered back.
“Because John might hear us,” I continued whispering.
“No, he can’t hear us from here.”
“He can’t?” He shook his head. “Alright then.”
I gave him a kiss on the cheek, and his cheeks turned red. Was he hot? “Thank you for removing the bird.”
“Nick!” Olivia yelled from the house.
Nick quickly left our hiding spot and ran towards the house. I tried to keep pace with him, but he was much faster. I fell, and somehow, Nick seemed to feel the impact of my elbow hitting the wooden floor.
My tears started to flow, and Nick came over to me. He held my face in his hands and wiped away my tears.
“Calm down, don’t cry,” he began to say.
He sat next to me and had me sit in his lap. I rested my head on his chest, and he stroked my head and the back of my neck several times.
“Calm down, don’t cry, I don’t like it when you cry. Please, Sam.” His voice changed drastically. It sounded distressed. I looked at him, and he was also crying.
His eyes were red, there were tears on his cheeks, and his nose was running. Seeing him like that made my chest hurt.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I told him, still unable to stop crying.
We stayed like that for a while until I calmed down. When I did, he did too.
“Come on,” he said as he stood up. I obeyed, and he hoisted me onto his back.
He carried me on his back to the house. John was no longer in the yard counting. Was he looking for us?
Nick opened the screen door. My mom, Nick’s aunt, and John were sitting at the table. All eyes turned to us. My aunt quickly approached us.
“Where the hell were you?” she yelled.
“I’m sorry, Sam and I hid, and she…” Before Nick could finish, Olivia slapped him in the face.
I quickly jumped off Nick’s back and stepped between them. I pushed her as hard as I could and hugged Nick.
“Don’t hit him. It’s my fault. I got hurt and he stayed with me. It’s my fault!” I yelled at her. I started crying again. I looked up to see Nick, and he was looking at me. He gave me a reassuring smile.
“Son, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that, I was just worried about you and…” Olivia began. Nick placed his hands on my shoulders and gently moved me aside.
“Why did you call me?” He asked.
“I need to talk to you about something important.” Seconds later, they headed to Olivia’s room.
I looked at my mom, and she was staring directly at my elbow. She started screaming and asking me what had happened.
She treated my wound, and once she did, Nick came out of the room and ran out the back door. I jumped off the table and ran after him. His aunt was shouting Nick’s name, and my mother was shouting mine.
Olivia lived in the countryside, so Nick kept running until he reached the road. The house was no longer in sight. I don’t know how I caught up with him, but I did and tapped him on the back as I couldn’t reach his shoulder. He turned around, surprised that someone had followed him. He looked at me, knelt down, and put his face in his hands.
I also knelt down and did the same thing he did with me in the barn. I pulled him towards my chest and stroked his head and the back of his neck.
“What happened, Nick?” I asked. I didn’t feel him crying, and I could barely feel his occasional breaths.
He stayed silent, and we stayed like that for a long time. It was getting dark when he stood up and walked without saying a word back to the house. I took his hand.
“What happened?” I asked again. He looked at me angrily. He had never looked at me like that before.
“Can you stop bothering me?” He shook off my grip and continued walking.
I let out a shriek and started crying again. I think I’ve never wanted to cry so much in my life as right now. I’m a real crybaby. My mom told me often, but I can’t help it, I want to stop crying.
Nick had never spoken like that. Never. He had always been good to me.
I felt footsteps approaching me, and it was him. He lifted me up and started walking again.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I’m just really angry right now, that’s all.”
“But you’ve never treated me like this before. I just wanted to know why you were sad. I don’t want you to be sad,” I said as I rested my head on his shoulder.
“I know,” Nick took a deep breath. “My father… My father wrote me a letter. He… won’t be coming for two years. He has to take a position in Japan and he’s not taking me with him. He promised he would spend Christmas with us.”
I didn’t say anything more and when we got to the house, no one else said anything either. He went to his room, and I went to mine, which I shared with John.
(End of Flashback)
Thanks to Nick’s father, Olivia has a large house and was able to study in the city. She landed a very important job at a company.
“I remember,” I said.
“That day you comforted me. That day was when I realized I was in love with you. When you caressed me that day in your bed, you made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time, and that scared me. That’s why I left.”
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to kiss him and hug him, but I couldn’t. If what he said was true, he wouldn’t be constantly playing with my feelings.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” he growled.
“What do you expect me to say?” I spat out. “I’m not stupid enough to tell you my feelings again. I told you I loved you, but it didn’t matter to you. I can’t say much more, you don’t want to be with me, and I understand that.”
I started to put on my jeans when he stood up and took them out of my hands.
“Why do you need to be my girlfriend? Can’t you just have fun? Without labels?” he asked as he threw my jeans into his closet.
“That’s your lifestyle, not mine. I can’t be one of your sluts, and most importantly, I don’t want to be one of them.”
“I don’t want you to be one of my sluts. I feel something more for you.”
“Then why don’t you want something more serious with me?”
He fell silent. I gave him a sad smile, turned around, and went to my room. Tomorrow, I’d take back my jeans.