“Lying in bed all day crying? No.
Lying in bed all day, holding back the tears threatening to escape from my eyes? Definitely, yes.
I haven’t gotten out of bed since Nick left this room. I’m not sure what time it is, but the sun is no longer out.
The only reason I’m like this is because I was stupid enough to let him touch me. I didn’t hesitate, I just let him. I wasn’t very different from the girl last night.
My phone rang for the seventh time today. My mom’s going to kill me.
I stretched to grab it from the bedside table.
“Hello.” I couldn’t have sounded more curt and cold.
“What a lovely way to greet your best friend.” I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s Millie.
“Who said you were my best friend?” I joked. She shrieked on the phone.
“You’re hurting my feelings.” I laughed again. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Samantha, I know we’re thousands of miles apart, but I still know your voice and I know you’re not okay.”
“I’m not having the best time, Millie. You would know if you had called.”
“I realize that, although I wish it was because you miss me, but I know it’s not because of that. Is it because Martin broke up with you?” Millie, she called me because Martin told her we broke up. I should have guessed he would.
“Would it seem too insensitive if I say that’s not it?” She let out a long sigh.
“I don’t think so. I mean… I don’t know. I knew you didn’t love him because you didn’t look into his eyes like someone in love, you looked at him as if he were your best friend, confidant, not a boyfriend.”
I did love him. I mean, I was with him for a long time. I had to love him, right?
Why didn’t she ever tell me? If she knew I didn’t love him, why keep a relationship that is destined to fail? What if I let it go further with me?
“And you tell me now?” I asked incredulously.
“What did you want me to say? ‘Samantha, leave Martin because you don’t love him?’ I know you well enough to know that you would have denied it, or you would have said everything but nice things. Or both.”
I knew she was right. I would have. But at least right now I wouldn’t feel betrayed by my best friend.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong? Or are you going to get mad at me?” I don’t want to get mad at her now, especially when I need someone to talk to.
“There’s a guy.” I blurted out. I need to get this off my chest.
“What guy?” Millie asked. That’s the question I feared.
Should I just tell her? Will she repudiate me? Will she say I’m sick? Will she tell my mother?
I’m scared. Scared that she will judge me. Scared that she will tell me what I already know. Scared that she will make me feel disgusted with myself.
“Nick.” I said simply. I had already talked to her about him. I told her about our first kiss. I told her everything.
“Is he bothering you?”
“Something like that,” I said. There was an awkward silence and I know she’s thinking.
“He kissed you again, didn’t he?”
There was no point in lying to her, not to her. “I kissed him.”
There was another awkward silence.
“Do you like him?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you love him?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“No.”
***
I spent hours talking to Millie last night. I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to vent to, I had so much built up, I was about to explode at any moment. We talked about Martin, about my mom, about her parents. But mostly about Nick.
She didn’t judge me, she didn’t at any point suggest that what I’d done was wrong, nothing like that.
The only thing she said that stirred me was when she advised me to end whatever it was I had with Nick.
“You can’t end something that never started.”
She kept repeating over and over that I should forget about him. That if I continued like this, things would end badly for both of us.
It only confirmed what I was already thinking.
My mother called me after Millie. By then it was already ten o’clock at night and she scolded me for not being asleep at that hour. I swear that woman stresses me out.
Today I have to go to class. My mom called to tell me exactly that, they called home to tell her that the university was back in operation, the teachers already got the money they were promised.
I’m so relieved to finally start university, to clear my mind. I couldn’t stay locked in my room feeling sorry for myself, thinking about what happened.
If Nick felt the need to leave for any reason, I couldn’t blame him.
“Enough, Samantha. Don’t think about it anymore.” That’s what I’ve been telling myself all week, the times I left my room I never found Nick. Olivia said she rarely sees him at home. Okay, it’s obvious he was avoiding seeing me. He must be partying with some kitten by his side.
In the following days, Olivia decided that she was going to take me to university or that she would send someone to do so. I hate causing these kinds of problems, if I had my driver’s license and a car I wouldn’t depend on anyone.
“Alright, we’re here honey,” Olivia parked the car in front of the building. “I hope you have a nice day.” Me too.
“Thank you, you too.” I got out of the car and it didn’t take a second for Olivia to drive away. She seemed to be in a hurry.
I took a big breath and started walking, heading to the place that was going to dictate my future. What my life was going to be.
It’s full of people, most in groups of three or more. I delved further into the building and had the strange feeling that someone was watching me. The first thing that caught my attention were those impressive eyes that I loved from the first time.
A guy stepped in front of me, disturbing my perfect view from a few seconds ago. “You’re Samantha, right?”