Anna.
I stand in the hallway between the two doors where my son and my boyfriend are, not exactly sure what I should do. Jeremy must be devastated right now; I don’t know how he’ll react to seeing me, to me, the woman who betrayed him. It will pass; he’s only five, but I never thought he would take it this hard.
I didn’t want to lie, but what was I supposed to say? “Your father abandoned you?” I couldn’t tell him that; he would think his own father left him because he wasn’t loved. Jeremy is very sensitive about those things.
And now, to top it off, this same child’s father is angry with me for telling our son that. I don’t want to blame him; he left us, and I had to protect Jeremy from anything, I don’t want to do it anymore. He has shown me that he has changed, and I don’t want to bring him down further because I know he still feels like shit for what he did. I mean, who wouldn’t? Missing out on five years of that child’s life is frustrating because he is so incredible.
Right now, I need Henry to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. That he will get over it, and I didn’t do wrong by telling Jeremy that. I need his support, but I know I won’t get it. After all, I always had to cry alone, right?
And I questioned myself, why do I have to cry alone again?
“I’ll prove that I’ve changed.”
“Let me save you.”
“You’ll trust me again.”
He promised me that. He did.
I decided to believe that. I trusted.
We’re still the same. He leaves me alone when I need him the most. I crumble again on my own. This wasn’t the damn deal. I lost my son and the person who caused all this shit, who, in a way, I shouldn’t want in my life.
But we’re back to the damn vicious circle of years ago. Him hurting me, me loving him. Him trampling over me, me letting myself be trampled. Him… abandoning me, me crying.
Does this show me that he’ll never leave again? I mean… We’re BOTH going through a hard time. Is it always going to be like this? When things get tough, he’ll just leave me alone to have his “Asshole” moment? Yeah, that.
I summoned all my courage and inner strength to do this. I won’t cry and suffer again for this idiot without putting up a fight. I won’t let myself be trampled anymore. I’m not the same, but he still has the same cowardly attitudes.
I swung the bathroom door open forcefully. Seeing him sitting on the floor of the room, staring at the wall, then closing his eyes and sighing heavily, was the damn last straw for me.
“So, is this how you want to save me? By leaving me alone at the first opportunity? Screw you, Henry. Did I tell you that I had changed? Well, it’s the truth. I’ve changed. And I don’t believe a damn thing you say anymore. I won’t trust you again. You didn’t prove a damn thing that you’ve changed, and you won’t save me. You never were going to. You never will.”
The expression he has right now reminds me of one specific night…
“What are you doing?” He staggered across the room to the bed and sat down. Now he got a bit more serious. His gaze went from me to the backpack, several times like that, until he fixed it on me.
“Is it my problem, don’t you think?” I replied.
“Anna…” “Anna…” Of course, now he’s understanding. Now he’s scared.
“Anna, what?! What do you want? I’ll leave, Henry. I told you, one more time. I warned you. You didn’t care. Now is the moment when the long-awaited moment for you arrives; you lose me. Now, if he pays full attention. His pupils dilated, and he looked scared. I didn’t want to leave him like this; I didn’t want to leave. But what am I supposed to do? If I continue with this, he will treat me as he wants, and I won’t allow anyone to do that.”
“We are living the same scene. The fear in his eyes tells me he thinks I’ll leave, and he must really say something good for me to stay. Because I need someone to save me or let me live as I did before he came, indifferent to any feelings. Maybe I wasn’t happy, but I could breathe. Now, it’s hard for me to take even a little air, and I’m with the person who supposedly would bring me back to life.”
“Anna, don’t do this to me again,” he begins to say, his voice broken and frightened, sending shivers down my spine. The urge to approach and tell him that I need him too was starting to emerge, but five minutes ago, he didn’t care how much I needed him. Later, he loves me and will never leave me, that’s what he says, but his actions show me something very different.”
“I swear I put all my expectations on him, and a part of me still has expectations higher than he deserves.”
“I need you, and all you do is lock yourself in the bathroom to whine alone about the shitty decisions you made in your life. It’s not my fault that you left, and indeed, Jeremy neither. If it had been me who left, would you have told him you left? Would you have told him that mom left because she didn’t love you anymore? Because, Henry, in case you don’t remember, I found out less than three months ago that you left to take care of me. What would you have said in my place?”
“I would have found another way…”
“That’s a lie, and you know it,” I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes tightly, trying to control my damn helplessness.
Why has my life been so difficult since I turned eighteen? First, a guy who broke my heart in the worst possible way and made my existence a living hell. Then, a son I had to raise on my own at nineteen, and afterward… my life in general. Living with a man who would have given his life for me, but I didn’t love him. I don’t love him, and I never will.
That’s my sad reality. I want to give my deepest devotion to someone who deserves it. I love someone who doesn’t deserve to be loved.
My Cupid aimed the arrow anywhere but the right place… What happened to the idea that no one has only one love? Because to this day, my only love is Henry. It has always been Henry, and I have a feeling it always will be.
“You can’t expect me not to care about what you told him!” He roared in my direction, brushing past me at the door, pushing his shoulder against mine.
I followed him to the kitchen and watched as he grabbed a glass, poured tap water, and drank the entire contents of the glass in less than ten seconds. He had his back to me, and he was tense.
“You’re acting without thinking,” I said, then turned around and sat on the sofa.
“You’re the best example to tell me that,” he scoffed at me and shook his head, still not looking at me.
“You know what, Henry? You’re right. I should tell the kid that you left us by your own choice. Let’s see how he takes it in the long run,” I replied and considered leaving now. Leaving him with the words hanging, but I need to resolve this now. Figure out what I’ll do, whether it’s worth staying or if I should just go. “I don’t know what you expect from me, Henry… I don’t know what you want me to say or do. Do you want to blame me for something that, in fact, you did? Well, blame me. Will it make you feel much better about yourself, won’t it?”
Henry turned in my direction, and his expression relaxed a bit, but it was still stern. He approached me and sat beside me. He rested his elbows on his knees, and his hands went to his face. He let out a small groan and ran his hands through his hair.
“I’m sorry,” he said, looking at me. “I’m angry, and I have no damn clue what I’m supposed to do. I didn’t want to take it out on you, Anna. I know myself, and I can say a lot of bullshit when I’m angry.”
“I know, believe me, I know. But the one who locked himself in that room is my son too. We’re both going through a tough time, and you… you just leave me alone in this when I need you,” I said in a hushed voice.
He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. He kissed the top of my head and sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I need you too; I just… I don’t want to make any mistakes. I don’t want to say anything that might make you leave. I don’t want to screw up again.”
I didn’t say anything, just stayed there. My head on his shoulder was comforting, but still, the knot in my throat for Jeremy remained intact.
“What are we going to do about Jeremy?” I asked. The mention of his name made Henry’s heart start beating even faster.
“Well, clarify who I am to him. Tell him what he needs to know but not everything. He’s still a kid; he won’t understand my reasons. You didn’t understand them, and you’re twenty-eight,” he said with a half-smile and caressed my cheek. He gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. “I love you, sorry for being such an ass.”
I laughed and buried my face in the crook of his neck, bit him, and he shivered. “I love you, and I’m still considering forgiving you.”
“Come on, don’t play hard to get with me, darling; with just one kiss, you’ll melt,” he raised an eyebrow and seductively bit his lip. He’s trying to win me over. I shook my head, and he laughed as if he were genuinely dismayed by my refusal. He kissed my neck and then licked my ear; my skin was on edge. Is it just me, or is it hot in here?
He ran his hand over my abdomen, tickling me a bit. Oh, no…
Relentlessly, he started tickling my stomach. “Henry, please stop,” I said, laughing and simultaneously wanting to hit him.
“Say you forgive me,” he began, laughing along with me.
“I forgive you, I forgive you, enough, please,” I begged, and he stopped, but he didn’t move away from me. We looked at each other for a few seconds, wondering if this was right given the situation we were in. He kissed me, a brief kiss. We couldn’t afford the passionate kisses that usually led us to something more… Jeremy was still on our minds, and the fear that he might never accept Henry paralyzed us.
Henry must be suffering more from this than I am. When Jeremy heard that Henry was his father, he ran crying to the room. That’s not a good sign by any means, and I don’t dare to talk to him about why. I know he could accuse me of lying, and he wouldn’t be entirely wrong… We’re between a rock and a hard place.