“You’re crazy.”
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
“I know quite well what I’m talking about.”
“Anna, you’re not fat.”
How did a simple request to turn off the light lead to this debate about my body? I knelt on the bed, and he did the same.
I don’t plan on letting him see me naked with the light on. The scars on my stomach aren’t pretty, and I don’t want him to see them.
“I didn’t say I was. I said I don’t want you to see me naked because there are a few things out of place. Pregnancy didn’t leave me the same as I was before, Henry. Now turn off the light if you want me to take off my clothes and do… That.”
“First, you’re the one who brought me to bed. Second, ‘that’? Come on, Ann, you’re still embarrassed to say it, after all the things we’ve done?” A playful smile appeared on his lips. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and I shivered under his touch.
“First, I didn’t bring you to bed; I kissed you, and you threw me onto the bed. Second, what do you want me to say? I don’t think people freely announce their intentions.”
“First, you kissed me, so it’s your bed idea; you tease me,” he whispered hoarsely, putting his arm around my lower waist to pull me closer to him. “Second, when you were drunk, you had no problem saying it freely.”
Memories from two days ago flooded my mind, and my cheeks flushed. Henry let out a small chuckle, and his eyes drifted to my lips.
“Shut up,” I told him while he kissed my cheek. Unconsciously, I placed my hands on his abdomen and took in a deep breath because, without realizing it, I wasn’t breathing.
“I won’t. You love it open, and you know it,” he responded, all confident as ever.
The perverted and expectant look he gave me made me blush in a way that I could die of embarrassment. I felt like I was going to die from his scorching gaze on my body and felt like a discoverer of the best way to die. Strange words, profound meaning.
Deep down, I know this. Us. We were in danger, and that’s why I’m still carefully considering what I said in the past few hours.
I only agreed to it because of the emptiness I felt in my chest when I thought of leaving Henry, so for a moment, I allowed myself to forget how messed up I am, how messed up we are together… I’m broken. I know it, more than anyone, and that’s why I let that fact drift far from my mind, floating into nothingness, only to return later, reshaping itself in my head, taking over every corner of my brain, slowly killing my neurons as I contemplate the situation I’m in.
I want Henry. I love Henry. But I know myself, and I still don’t trust him. I’m still afraid to fall asleep and wake up with him no longer by my side, taking the last bit of love from my soul. God knows I’ve never loved anyone as much as Henry, and I feel guilty saying that because Dave… He helped me so much, did so much for me, and I’m just going to break his heart. I’m going to shatter his heart the way Henry broke mine. Will he be broken? Will he be afraid of love? Will he never trust again? Will he want to die when I leave him? Because I know what it’s like for the person you thought was the love of your life, the owner of your heart, the one who makes you want to wake up with a smile every day, to leave you, and I don’t want Dave to go through what I did. It all leaves your body for a while. All that’s left is the pain in your chest, which, to be honest, is so deep that it makes you want to banish it forever. I wanted to banish it at one point, and the only thing that stopped me was Jeremy. Does this sound depressing? Crazy? Exaggerated? I know it does, but it’s the truth, it was my truth, and that’s why I’m scared of Henry and what he might do to me again. I can’t go through that again, can I? No, forget it.
So now, I try to silence my negative thoughts about myself and what might happen. I try to focus on today, now, on him… His face was so radiant, it always was when he looked at me. His hair, which was longer than I usually liked, was completely disheveled he has better hair than I do, the jerk and his beautiful eyes with dilated pupils did the trick. I forgot… What did I forget…? It doesn’t really matter. I want to stay like this, free from responsibilities, guilt, and fears forever. I just desire this moment, so surreal and perfect. Henry himself is surreal and perfect.
“Why are you looking at me like that, my love?” Henry inquired, subtly acknowledging the ticking clock. He hadn’t remained frozen while scrutinizing the man before me.
“All of this terrifies me, Henry. I’m afraid of how Dave will react, how I’ll feel when it’s all said and done, and… I’m even afraid of loving you. I’m afraid of myself,” a lump formed in my throat. He reached out and gently placed his hand on my neck, guiding my face towards his, until our foreheads met and lingered there, touching.
“I fear that you’ll realize I’m not the same, Henry. I dread sleepless nights, anxious that you might vanish, the oppressive weight on my chest it would be agonizing. I want to trust that you won’t leave, that you won’t abandon me, that you won’t inflict more pain, but I just don’t know how, you know?”
He shook his head and tenderly kissed my lips.
“You’ll see, I won’t depart… Never, Ann. If you don’t believe me, if trust eludes you, I’ll demonstrate it every single day. If sleep escapes you, I’ll stay awake with you. Should you feel that pressure in your chest, I will know, and I’ll do everything within my power to help you see me, not the person who walked away and hurt you. The man by your side will not repeat past mistakes; he’ll cherish you intensely and shield you from everything and everyone that has caused the suffering you endured. I understand that trusting me is challenging right now. You might think that no one can rescue you, isn’t that so? I was once of the same mind, until you appeared and rescued everything. You are still the same, merely apprehensive about being let go again and experiencing more pain. You will regain your former self. I am confident of it. I will be your savior.”
There was no hesitation; he kept gazing into my eyes, and it came from the depths of his soul, making me smile. I believe him. I love him. I want him to save me. He’s going to save me… Is he going to save me? Will he make me trust again? Will he truly…? For the first time, hope is what fills me at this moment.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him tight. “Henry… I love you.”
“Me too, Ann, and you have no idea how much. You have no fucking clue how much I love you.”
Have you ever felt like a single word can send electric currents from the tips of your toes to your head? Well, that’s what I just felt, but the difference is it wasn’t just one word; it was every word that came out of his mouth, and it’s amazing.
I pulled away from him, and the first thing I did was take off the shirt he’d given me. I quickly pulled it over my head and tossed it aside before changing my mind. I didn’t feel very comfortable with Henry’s heated gaze, inspecting every inch of my body, but I know he’ll love me without having a model’s body.
His eyes traveled down my neck, then my breasts, and reached the place where my panties should be, but instead, one of his boxer shorts was there. I had no choice; after my shower, I realized he had torn my panties. I wanted to kill him.