Anna.
The things that are welling up inside me terrify me. It’s been many years since I felt so full, so complete, so alive… It’s simply Henry who does this to me, and that’s what terrifies me. I now know that I can never look at him and feel nothing. From the moment we first saw each other again, I knew he would turn my life upside down. And now, as the Anna who once felt this sea of emotions, I know he’s done it again. And you know what? I’d like to say I’m sad about it, but the truth is, I love it… And I shouldn’t.
I love and missed so much the feeling of his entire skin against mine. That’s why I’m crying, out of fear that I may never feel it again. I’m scared he might leave me again. I’m terrified because I can endure his departure once, but I don’t think I can bear it twice. I can love him, I can not want to be apart from him, but I’m sure I can’t trust him. I will never be able to. And without trust, what can we do? Where will we end up?
But what do I do now? Do I just walk out the door and leave my feelings for Henry behind? I said I couldn’t bear his departure again, but… what about mine? If I leave, will it hurt as much as it would if he did it? Will he hurt as much as I did? Can I bear the fear of being let down again?
I don’t want to bear it either. All I want is not to feel this, to stop feeling complete and full just by being in his arms, because damn it! I have a fiance waiting for me at home, who loves me madly, who respects me, who would never hurt me, and I just cheated on him. I just slept with another man, and for some reason, I don’t regret a single moment of it because I want him. Can anyone explain to me how messed up that is?
When Henry entered me, it was the best feeling I’d had in a long time, but it wasn’t just the art and pleasure of sex; it was the art of feeling. It was our skins touching in harmony with his thrusts. It was his scattered kisses on my neck, my face, my lips… the love and affection we felt while engaging in this act that for some is purely carnal, but it’s not. This act depends on the person with whom you do it; it’s a heart and soul delivery. Unfortunately, I gave my heart and soul away six years ago, and now I felt them again in every sweet and desperate touch from Henry.
“We’re unique.” Those were his words. We are, I won’t deny it. He looks at me with an intensity that Dave never did. I’ve never seen a man, except him, gaze at a woman like that. The connection we have is unique, and it’s hard to believe that anyone other than us could reach such a level of feeling. It’s impossible to ignore that “We’re unique,” but it’s also impossible to forget how much he hurt me. Is love always enough? No, I don’t think it is.
Alison thinks I’m unhappy with Dave, and she couldn’t be more wrong. I’m not unhappy with him. She only knows I’d be happier with someone else, but she forgot that this someone was the one who tormented my dreams, my life, my memories for many nights. If she forgot, I can’t.
“Henry, I need you to step away,” I manage to say, my eyes closed and my voice colder than ever.
Doing this hurts me a lot. I feel like my heart is being squeezed from the inside, like every emotional part of me is leaving my body.
“What…?” he says, his voice trailing off.
We just made love, and I’m fully aware of how messed up it is to do this after what we just did. I’m angry. Upset with myself for letting this happen, for desiring it, craving it, and wanting to do it a thousand times more.
“Step away, Henry,” I repeated, with determination. I used both of my hands to push his shoulders and keep him away.
“It hurts, it hurts, it hurts a lot. Endure it a bit longer. You can do it. You must do it.”
Henry placed his hand on one of mine and squeezed. I opened my eyes, and the fear in his eyes sent shivers down my spine.
“Are you going to do the same thing I did? Are you just going to leave?” I didn’t respond; there was no need. He knew the answer. He let out a snort and a humorless little laugh. He moved away from me, got up, and went to fetch his pants. As he put them on, I could see how tense he was.
“You know what? You won’t do the same thing I did. While I left just to protect you, you’ll leave to protect yourself. Well, Anna, do as you wish. If you want to go, there’s the door. I won’t stop you, and I won’t chase after you again. Not because I give up on you easily, that’s not it. It’s because you’re not the same; you’re not the person I fell in love with, and I know damn well it’s my fault. I know it’s my damn fault,” he said, kicking his nightstand and knocking over the lamp.
I tried to numb myself, not to feel anything, but the harder I tried, the more it hurt. I’m not the same, I know that, and it hurts not to be the same. But it hurts even more to hear him say it.
I grabbed the sheets and quickly wrapped them around my body. I didn’t dare look at him because if he’s looking at me, he’ll see the tears of weakness streaming down my cheeks.
I rush to the living room with only that thin fabric in my hand to fetch my dress. I feel my heart on the floor and my legs trembling, on the verge of collapse, but I don’t stop.
When I have the dress in my hand, the real crying begins. I’m a true crybaby, seriously, it’s my decision, and I’m the one who suffers the most from it.
“Why are you crying?” Henry asks, while grabbing my arm quite firmly. His grip doesn’t allow me to pull away. I look at him, and he’s red with anger.
“Why are you crying?!” he repeats. “You want to leave! It was your damn choice, Anna! So don’t break my damn heart crying like a little girl because you don’t know what to do with your damn life!”
“I knew what to do with my damn life, and then you came along to ruin it all!”
“Can you stop blaming me for everything?! Did I point a gun at you to get in bed with me today? No! You opened your damn legs all by yourself, ignoring your so-called ‘beloved’ fiance! I never crossed a line with you! All I ever did was tell you how I felt and that I was going to fight for it! Yet you were the one who wanted to have sex! Was that all you wanted? To screw me? Now I can’t help but wonder if everything you said to me, you actually felt!”
He releases my arm as if my touch disgusts him at this moment. He runs his hands through his hair, turning his back to me.
I seize the opportunity to put on the dress. Yes, I know very well that he felt every word I said, and I know very well that he’s not to blame for everything. I know it will take time to get over this, and I know I have to move on. When I look at him, I’m transported back to the past and stuck there, but I don’t want to stop looking at him. I want to stay here. I want him not to let me go, even though I’m so reluctant to leave.
“I’m going to ask you one more time, Anna, and I need you to answer with the truth. Do you love me?” I asked, still with my back to her. I looked at her body one last time, from the nape of her neck down to her lower back.
“Open the door, Henry,” I said simply. I went towards the door, and before I reached the handle, an arm wrapped around my waist.
I hit him to let me go, but I knew there was no way he would. He pressed me against the wall on the opposite side of the room, far from the door. His hands went on each side of my head, and he bent down to be at my level.
“I asked you a question,” he whispered, his nose almost touching mine.
“I gave you an order.”
“I don’t care.”
“Well, neither do I,” I murmured. Our staring contest was starting to drive me insane. “Wasn’t it you who said you weren’t going to chase after me?”
“I lied. I know very well I can’t let you go.”
“And what about not being the same girl you fell in love with?” His pupils were dilated, and his hands went to my cheeks. He caressed them with a tenderness that melted me.
“You’re the same. Just more stubborn about your feelings,” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Henry, I need to leave.”
“You don’t want to go.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t.”
“You don’t know what I want.”
“No, maybe not, but I do know you want to be with me and not him. I know you love me.”
“I don’t love you. What I said in the room was just a heat-of-the-moment thing, it’s not true.”
“You’re ruthlessly killing me, so please don’t say that again if you’re lying to me.”
“I…,” I was going to repeat the same words that hurt him, but I’d rather be honest with myself and him, at least once. “I’m scared, scared of you and what you make me feel. Of the illusions you might give me, the words you say. If I’m leaving, it’s because I don’t want to regret it later.”
Henry, somehow, lifted me up. He made me lean my back against the wall and embraced me, squeezing my waist with his arms.
“You won’t regret it; I’ve changed. I don’t want to hurt you. I won’t hurt you. I’m not the same guy as years ago. I love you, and I will love you with all I have. When I left, I loved you just as I do now, but I was a boy who didn’t appreciate the one good thing he had in his life. Every moment we spent before I left should have treated you as what you are, the love of my life. Give me a chance. I know this situation is messed up. You have a fiance, and Jeremy is in the middle. I know it will be difficult to tell him that I’m his father. I understand. But we can go through all this together. I’ll help you, and I’ll give you all the time you need to think about it.”
If the situation was messed up, I was even more messed up.
“I don’t need time to think about anything. I’ve made my decision. Give me my phone,” I ordered. He stepped away from me, looking wounded. His eyes were teary, and he calmly walked into the kitchen, opened a cabinet, and took out my phone. He left it on the countertop, next to the door key, and without looking at me, he headed down the hallway leading to the bedroom. I heard the door slam, and my heart sank.
I took my phone and dialed Alison’s number, putting it on speakerphone. I heard things crashing to the floor in the hallway. I put the phone to my ear and rushed to Henry’s room, but when I tried to open it, I realized it was locked.
“Henry, open up!” I shouted, banging on the door.
“Go away, Anna!” He shouted back and continued to wreck the room.
“Hello?” Alison’s voice sounded through the speaker.
“Henry, stop and listen to me! It’s important!” The room fell into silence.
“What the hell is he doing? Supposedly, this time was to win you over, not to get angry and act like a jerk breaking things,” Alison said in a whisper. It seemed she was at my house, and Dave was nearby.
“Henry? Are you listening?” He doesn’t respond, but I think he might be. I let out a sigh and continue talking to Alison. “First, how long did you say I was going to stay somewhere else to get away from the wedding stress?”
“Why?” she asks.
“Just answer.”
“Three days.”
“Well, tell Dave it will be a week,” I reply, and she shrieks, leaving my hearing slightly impaired. In two seconds, Henry opens the door and looks at me with wide eyes, surprised. His hair is all disheveled, and his knuckles are covered in blood. I squint at him, signaling that I’m not very happy about his fit of anger.
“This time you’re not getting away, Annita! You’re going to spill all the dirty details! You know? I still doubt if he’s well-endowed. You never answered that.”
I blush and look at Henry, who has a smile that reaches his eyes. He raises his eyebrow as if he’s waiting for me to answer, eager for it.
“It’s not a big deal,” I lie, trying to hold back my laughter. Henry opens his mouth, offended.
“Well, I don’t believe you because ‘It’s not a big deal’ brought you many days of sighs and silent smiles. So, yes, I think it’s a big deal.”
My cheeks burn, and Henry starts laughing heartily.
“Did he hear that?” she asks, whispering. I’ll never put her on speakerphone again.
“What do you think?” I manage to say through gritted teeth.
“Oops, my bad. I’ll call you later. I’ll let you continue your love nest.”
“Wait, I wanted to tell you that you were right about everything, and… I’m sorry.”
“I know, baby. I love you no matter how much of a pain in the ass you can be sometimes,” Alison says, laughing.
“At last, Alison and I agree on something,” says Henry, raising the corner of his lip. Well, yes, I was a pain in the ass. I admit it.
“Take care, see you,” she says her goodbyes and hangs up.
I take the phone away from my ear and look at Henry, pressing my lips together, waiting for his reaction.
“You said you had made a decision,” he says, putting his hands on my hips and pulling me closer to him.
“Yes, but I didn’t tell you what it was,” I reply, resting my head on his chest. “Depending on what this week is like, that’s what we’ll do. We’ll think about how to tell Jeremy and Dave. Also, I’m going to my house tomorrow to pick up Jeremy because I can’t stand being without my son for a week.”
“Are you going to bring Jeremy here?”
“Yes.”
“Wow, two good pieces of news in one day, I’m not used to that,” his beautiful smile makes me laugh.
“And we need to talk…” I say, taking his hand.
“About what?” he asks with a furrowed brow.
I raise his hand to his face and make him see his bloodied knuckles. “Your fits of anger?”
“I haven’t had one in years, and… I thought you were going to leave me. I’m sorry,” he says, closing his eyes, probably feeling like an idiot.
“I can’t leave. And if I did, I would come back. You can’t stray too far from the person you love, don’t you think?”
“I do,” he says just as he places his beautiful mouth on mine.