Chapter 16

Book:Once Lost, Twice Found Published:2024-9-11

Anna.
It’s been four days since I last heard from him.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t affected or that I wasn’t tempted to use the number he gave me, to call and check if he was alright. The temptation was strong. Those urges reminded me of the younger Anna.
I remember the desperation I felt every time we fought. If he wouldn’t apologize first, I would, just to avoid losing him. I’d chase after him, like we always chased each other, relentless in our need to reconcile.
I remember how captivated I was by him, how he had me so wrapped up that I couldn’t resist him. Every touch made me feel tainted and easy, but I didn’t care because his touch made me feel whole. But the truth is, I was neither tainted nor easy; I was just in love with Henry. I yearned for his touch because only his skin against mine sent jolts of life and happiness coursing through me. Dave’s touch never did that, not then and not now. Back then, I believed that such a connection could only be with one person, and even though the emotional bond has faded, our magnetic pull hasn’t. That’s why I know I wasn’t easy; I just let myself get lost in Henry.
I remember college, and though I never voiced it or even dared to think it, if Henry had wanted to run away with me to the other side of the world, I would’ve abandoned my studies just to be with him. A life without him seemed unthinkable, miserable. My love for him clouded my judgment so entirely…
He said he left, not because he stopped loving me. I have an inkling of the excuse he’ll use.
“I left to protect you, Anna.”
What a lie! We could’ve left together. We could’ve found another way. But he took the easy way out, distancing himself from me under the pathetic guise of protecting me when, in reality, he was killing something inside me. He knew it. He knows that a part of me died that day.
Damn! I thought he was the love of my life. I gave him my all, trusted him like a complete fool. That’s what I was – a naive, gullible idiot.
Does he genuinely think I’d ever come back to him? That there’s a chance I could love him again after all these years and everything he put me through? If he does, the guy seriously needs help.
I turned my back on my mother and brother for him. Liam, my brother, who looked out for me since we were kids, developed a severe steroid addiction. It’s been years since I last heard from him. When my mother tried to get him professional help, he ran away, and I haven’t seen him since.
If only I had… Maybe if I hadn’t… If I had been there for him, helped him understand we were there to support him, that he was throwing his life away… Maybe he’d still be here. Choosing a guy I had only known for a few months over my own flesh and blood reflects so well on me, doesn’t it? I feel so worthless.
And now, for some baffling reason, I can’t stop thinking about Henry.
Right now, I’m lying in bed with Dave’s arm around my waist, my back nestled against his chest. He’s inhaling my scent and whispering promises of a hopeful future. One with kids, a bigger house, undying love… A happily ever after.
I just nod along, as if I’m on autopilot, responding to every word he says. Trying to envision a future with Dave, and I can… it’s picture-perfect. Him loving me unconditionally, growing old together in a beautiful house, raising our kids. Even though this is the dream I’ve always longed for, I’m not so sure anymore…
“What are you thinking?” He asks, prompting me to respond, though, to be honest, I hadn’t really been listening beyond the part about moving.
“About…?” I whisper.
“Please tell me I haven’t been talking for three hours and you didn’t catch any of it.” I can sense a playful laugh in his voice. He knows I zoned out during half of his poetic musings about a life with him, but, playing the devoted fiancee, I feel obligated to pretend I was hanging on every word.
“I did listen, it’s just that you’re covering a lot of ground all at once,” I replied.
“I’m hoping for two girls and a boy… That’s why I’ve been looking at houses. The one on Road Street is for sale. It’s two stories, four bedrooms, three bathrooms, with a massive kitchen and dining area, plus a garden I know you’ll love.”
“Mrs. Road is moving out?”
She’s an elderly lady who lived there alone. She’d mentioned having a large family with her husband, but their children grew up and moved out. She and her husband lived there together for a long time, until he passed away from lung cancer six months ago.
“She feels the house is too big for her alone now, so she decided to sell. She reached out to me first because she knows how much you’ve always wanted a house in Seattle.”
I just nodded in response. I’m not ready to move again to a completely unfamiliar place. I tried that once, and we all know how that turned out…
“What do you think?” Dave persisted, poking my side playfully. I’ve never really liked it when he does that, but I always let it slide.
“Shouldn’t we get married first?”
“We could buy the house now, and by the time we return from our honeymoon, it’d be fully furnished and ready.”
“Just give me some time to think it over, okay?” I managed to reply, feeling a lump in my throat.
The damn wedding topic was on the table again. Everything feels like it’s moving too fast. How do I voice that without sounding ungrateful? We’ve been together for years, and by all accounts, I should be thrilled at the prospect of marrying this wonderful man. Yet, here I am, feeling cornered. I’m such an ingrate…
“Anna, is everything okay?” Dave’s lips found my neck, and I instinctively shifted away.
“Yes, why?” I began fiddling with my silk pajama, picking at the stray threads from its shoddy seams.
“You’ve been distant since you fainted at the wedding. You’re not talking or being affectionate like before.”
Yes, I’m a stellar fiancee.
“It’s just… I’ve been distracted, that’s all.”
“Does this have anything to do with Henry?”
“Excuse me?”
How the hell did he find out? Demetria wouldn’t have said anything. She couldn’t have. No, just no.
Dave can’t know. He can’t know about Henry and me… That Jeremy and he are… He just can’t.
“I’m not sure what happened between you two, but I’ve always sensed some tension there. You guys didn’t get along, did you?”
“Oh, trust me, we got along quite well when we wanted to.”
“I haven’t seen him in years. It was just a bit overwhelming seeing him out of the blue. But he’s not the reason for my current state; I’m just feeling off.”
“I’ve noticed…”
I turned to face Dave. The room was dim, but I could still discern the smirk that formed on his lips. I gave him a chaste kiss, and he gently pulled me closer by my waist.
“I really can’t wait for us to get married and to finally call you mine.”
Alright, I’ll try to overlook the shiver of disgust that coursed through me at hearing the word “mine” from his lips. I froze mid-kiss and opened my eyes. He was savoring the moment, and I was strategizing my escape from his embrace.
He pulled away and softly caressed my head.
“Demetria called. She’s trying to convince you to go out this Saturday… You know, to a club or something.”
Oh, great. I can’t wait to see Demetria biting another guy’s tongue off in a club.
“You know I’m not into that, Dave. I’d rather stay in with you and Jeremy.”
“Come on, Ann. Do it for me. You never go out. Don’t you think it’s time to let loose a bit? You’re almost 25, but you act like someone in their 40s.”
“Oh, honey, you sure know how to sweet-talk a girl,” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes and giving him a forced smile. All I wanted was for him to fall asleep so I could go watch TV in the living room or do anything other than lie here and dwell on my past.
“Seriously… Do it for me,” he pouted, trying to look endearing.
Just to appease him, I nodded. “Fine, I’ll call her tomorrow and let her know I’ll join her.”
“That’s my girl.”
He gave me one last kiss and closed his eyes.