“Me? Worried that you’re going to go off and kill someone, or worse, get yourself killed? No. That doesn’t make me happy.”
“Then what am I doing in your life? I have no role. I don’t want to be the one who makes you look like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like you don’t have any tears left to cry.”
“Oh, Xavier. I was so worried.”
“I know. And that’s not fair on you. But I don’t know any other way to be right now. I can’t help feeling like I never was, and have never been, good enough.”
“What are you talking about?”
“There’s only so much chasing I can do, Malynda. I waited, searched for you, for twelve long years. All I wanted was to show you how much I loved you. How much I wanted to be with you. I put my life on hold. And then I found you. And I loved you even more than I did before. And my life finally started moving forward. And it still wasn’t enough. But this time, I’m thirty, not eighteen. And maybe I can read signs I couldn’t before. That sometimes the person you love, isn’t the same as the person who is right for you. If I’m making you cry like this, I’m not the person for you, Malynda. And if you felt like you couldn’t tell me what happened, then I’m not the person you should be with.”
“Xavier!”
“I’m sorry. I think this is best.”
“But I love you.”
“You will never love me as much as I loved and love you. Don’t you ever forget that.”
“But Xavier!”
There’s a beeping from the machine on his left and a nurse runs in, pushing me to the side.
“He needs his rest, you should wait outside, miss.”
“No! I need to…”
“Go,” he says, turning his head from me. “It’s better this way.”
I feel a hand circling my wrist and pulling me from the room.
“Come on,” Jade’s voice gently says to me. “I’ll take you home.”
How do I tell her the only home I ever had just left me?
***
Him
It’s quiet in here, just the sound of my own breath and the beeping of a machine telling me I’m still alive. Even if I wish I weren’t.
“Hey,” says the voice at the door.
“Hey back,” I say. What else is there to say?
His voice is low and I can barely hear it through the bandage and the machines. “Jade took her home.”
It takes more strength than I knew I had to just lay still and not rip the tubes from me and run after her. “Okay. Thanks.”
“I can bring her back when you’re ready…”
“No. That won’t be necessary.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I think I’ve said what needed to be said.”
“For you or for her?”
“For her.”
“And what about you?”
“Don’t you get it? What’s best for her is what’s best for me.”
“Have you ever considered that what is best for you is best for her?”
He leaves before I can respond. Bastard.
Her
He always says he waited, searched for me for twelve years. But I spent twelve years trying not to be found. I never realized how much that shaped how I lived, what choices I made.
Those first few years, changing my name, how I looked. I became someone new.
I shed the girl I had grown up with for eighteen years, and evolved into someone who lived a life I didn’t think could be traced to someone I wanted to forget.
But nothing really changed.
The very essence of me, my love for art and color stayed.
And it brought me back to him. The one who’d lured that love out of me in the first place.
As much as I was hiding from him, I’d made my life a tribute to him. Living vicariously through my memories. Too afraid to give him a chance.
I never realized that until now.
Now that it’s too late.
He’s right. We weren’t good for each other.
If I was driving him to the brink of death to try to right some wrongs of the past, then I shouldn’t be a part of his life.
How can I stand by watching him kill himself, in the name of trying to protect me?
But if I could, I would change it all.
I would show him that he was enough, that I trusted him, that I needed him. That nothing would ever be the same without him.
“What do you want for lunch?” Cameron’s voice makes me jump. We’ve spent the last week packing up my apartment. There’s no way I can stay here, after what happened. In a way, it almost feels like a relief to have something to focus on, something to wipe the slate clean. Something to mark a new phase in my life.
“Um, I’m not really hungry.”
“You’ve gotta eat something! How ’bout I go grab something from Donali’s.”
I smile at my friend and business partner. He’s been here for me from the moment Jade brought me home from the hospital.
We talked about what happened the night before I woke up in his bed, and while I know it was innocent and he was just there to comfort me, I can’t help feeling that maybe he feels like it was the start of something new. But I’m not ready for that. And I may never be.
“Um, yeah, that sounds great. Thank you.”
“Sure, I’ll be right back, okay?” He drops the box he’s packing and gives me a wink as he heads for the door. I wait until I hear his footsteps down the hallway before I run over and pull the chain across.
I can never feel safe here again.
Him
“I don’t need your help! I can walk to my own bedroom,” I snap, and regret it almost immediately. Almost.
“Fine, fall over and break another rib. See if I care,” Kaine says, stepping back and ignoring my sway to the side.
“Passive aggression is not a good color on you, boss. Stick to grey hoodies and pinstripe suits,” I hiss, my breath ragged after only a few steps.
“You’re cranky when you’re not beating up other people.”