“There was some damage to his spleen, but not a lot and we were able to repair it. His broken ribs didn’t puncture his lungs and that’s what we were most worried about. He should make a full recovery. We’re going to keep him sedated for a few more hours to make sure he gets the rest he needs. He’s very lucky that the damage wasn’t worse and he was found when he was,” the doctor says, and gives us a small smile.
Xavier’s mother bursts instantly into tears. I have to bite my lip to stop myself from joining her; instead, I watch as Jade runs over and puts her arm around her. I hear Kaine pull the doctor aside with questions as I face the wall and stare at a poster of a doctor explaining to a child about cancer, trying not to think about what could’ve been.
The hours tick by. Slowly. Torturously so.
Several nurses come by to tell us he won’t be waking up any time soon and maybe we should go home and get some rest, but nobody moves. Eventually, they just stop trying.
I’ve felt time moving this slowly before.
Those first few days after I fled college following the attack, sitting in my hotel room, trying to sleep the day away. Watching the watch on my wrist tick second by second by second until midnight, when another day would pass. Another day I had survived without him. Another day I’d managed to stop myself calling him, writing him, begging him to come rescue me.
For the first time in my life, I’m questioning the choice I made then.
Had I made the right decision, not telling him?
It had taken me a long time, years, to get over the idea that I had only myself to blame for the attack. I’d never thought of myself as naive, but knowing what I know now, would I ever have put myself in that position? I had felt uneasy with Damien before. But I still went to the studio that night. Because I thought dance was everything.
Turns out it wasn’t. I was still able to live a life without it.
And Xavier? Would I still able to live a life without him?
Survive, yes. But in just the few weeks he’s been back in my life, I’ve realized it wasn’t much of a life I was living before.
The image of him in his pajamas and slippers in the middle of Manhattan flashes in my mind. And I can’t help smiling.
He is many things: stubborn, uncommunicative, infuriatingly protective. But he’s always been able to do one thing. Surprise me. Well, two things. Surprise me and make me smile.
And that hasn’t changed after all these years.
Xavier, sweet Xavier. He’s become everything I ever envisaged he would be, and more.
Everything about him, compared to how he was twelve years ago, is just… more.
More passionate, more confident, more thoughtful, more gentle and forceful all at the same time.
More generous.
He had so little back then, and yet he gave so much of himself. Now he has a fortune at his fingertips, and he works even harder to share as much of it as he can.
I was wrong. I made the wrong choice. I should’ve trusted him to understand. My shame was just that, mine. And I realize now, it wasn’t that I thought he would not be able to handle it, it’s because I didn’t think I could.
Me. It was me all along.
The revelation makes me almost cry out, and I choke back a sob.
I did this to myself.
I did this to the both of us.
And it stops today.
“Um. Hey,” I look up and Kaine is standing beside me.
“Yes?”
“He’s awake.”
Her
I hang back, letting Jade help his mother in to see him first. As much as I want to run in there and tell him what I’ve realized, I know there will be time. We will have all the time in the world now.
They’re only in there for a few minutes before they emerge, his mother sobbing as Kaine gently helps her to a seat. Jade gives me a small smile and hugs me for a second.
“He’s really weak, but he’s asking for you. I’m just warning you though, he doesn’t look great.”
His eyes are closed when I walk up to the side of the hospital bed. If I were here alone and looking for him, I would not recognize the person lying in front of me. His face is bruised, dark purple and swollen. A bandage loops around the circumference of his head, and I can see blood still caked on his scalp. It’s dry, burgundy red.
I wipe away the tears streaming down my face. He’s okay, I remind myself. The doctor said he would be okay.
I sniff, and the sound makes him open his eyes. Eye. One is swollen shut.
“Hey you,” I say softly, running my finger along the hem of his hospital gown.
“Hey,” he croaks.
“I hate to see what the other guy looks like,” I try to joke, and his mouth tightens into a split-second smile.
“Yeah, he’s a mess.”
“The doctor said you’re going to b-”
“I can’t do this anymore, Malynda,” he says, cutting me off.
I stop. I’m not sure I heard him right.
“What are you talking about, Xavier?”
He tries to turn his head to face me and winces.
“I mean, I can’t do this anymore. Live like this. Or, almost die like this. I have to stop. I have to stop chasing you. I have to let you go.”
His words crush the air from my body.
“Xavier, no. I’m sorry. I’ve… I’ve done this all wrong. From the beginning, I was wrong.”
“No, you didn’t know any other way. And I get that. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to protect you. And you’re right, I’m trying to make up for the past, but I’m just fucking up the future. It’s time for me to realize that what we had is over.”
“I… I don’t understand,” I say, and I can feel my head shaking.
“I just don’t know what you want from me.”
“All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. Are you happy?”
“Does it look like it? And you? Are you happy?”