CLARISSA
hey told me not to trust you and I should’ve listened.”
“T
Nothing I do helps.
Nothing I do brings me even a sliver of respite. Nothing helps the sound of his voice in my head. Nothing stops the memories of his face when he heard I had slept with Gerry. Nothing eases the ache of the way he said, “I don’t believe you. I don’t trust you.” Maybe he never did.
Maybe this was all doomed from the start and we had no right letting ourselves fall into a bottomless, hopeless pit of lust.
It was more than lust, Clarissa.
Was it? Maybe that’s all it was. Maybe everything else was just blinded by the white heat that ignited when we were in the same room.
Whatever it was, they were the most beautiful moments of my life. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to have been forever, but for that short time, I had felt seen, felt understood, felt adored. Even lo- “No.” I say it out loud to make sure I hear it.
It was never that.
If it had been that, he would’ve listened. He would’ve stopped for one minute and listened. But he didn’t. He didn’t even give me a chance to explain. He didn’t trust me enough to even hear me out.
Understanding knifes into my heart.
Because he never trusted you. Never, ever did.
And I gave him everything.
But did I trust him?
I could’ve gone to him about Gerry, told him everything up front about what was happening, but I was afraid.
I didn’t trust him to take my side, to believe me even then.
This was all doomed from the start.
But now it’s too late.
And I’m forever stuck in the purgatory of having him once be mine. ***
The phone rings, and I grab it, eagerly glancing at the screen. But it’s not him. It’s never him.
“Yes?” I ask, not recognizing the number.
“Clarissa.”
I suck in a hissing breath. “What do you want, Father?”
“Can we talk?” He sounds like he’s a million miles away, his voice quiet, tired.
“There’s nothing left to talk about, father. You’ve proven just what kind of man you are. And I want nothing to do with you ever again.”
“You need to underst-”
I cut him off. I don’t want to hear it. “From you, I need to understand nothing! I protected you. But I shouldn’t have. Because I finally realize it’s your job to protect me. And you never, ever have.” My hand comes up to rub my chest, trying to ease the ache that hasn’t lessened from the day he kicked me out of his life. “You gave me the advice once to pretend that I never knew the Baxter’s existed. And I didn’t listen. I’m going to give you the same advice now. And you should take it – pretend that you never had a daughter. She’s forgotten that she ever had a father.” I hang up.
And for the last time, cry over the loss of a father I never really had.
MATTHIAS
e smells.”
“H
“Like, really bad,” another voice adds.
“Should we hose him down or something?” That has to Kylian.
“It won’t reach.” Damien. Always the pragmatist.
“Okay, I have an idea. Everyone, grab your perfumes and colognes! And on three, we’ll spray. Ladies, you take the top half, Damien and Kingsley will take the bottom half.” Kylian. Again.
Whatever the opposite of pragmatist is.
Someone snickers. A woman. Definitely Kiara. “What about you?”
“I’m the foreman,” Kylian says. “Sheesh, we all have our jobs. Ready? One. Two. Thre-” I crack open an eye. “Get away from me.” “It speaks!” Kylian screeches.
I squeeze my eyes shut. “When I get up, I’m going to grab grandfather’s letter opener, and I’m going to hold it out, and I want you to run towards it really, really fast.”
Kylian scrunches up his face. “That actually sounds like it might hurt quite a bit. No thanks.” A hand grabs my arm and pulls me upright. Kingsley.
I groan. “Kingsley. You, too. You can take turns impaling yourself. Please. It can be my late birthday present.”
“I think you’re not getting birthday presents for a while,” Damien says, nudging me with his foot.
I open my eyes again, taking a moment to figure out where I am. Still in my office, still wearing the same clothes I was wearing when I woke up at Leanne’s apartment. How long ago was that? I couldn’t tell you if it was a day or a year. I’m on the floor by my desk. How I got there is anyone’s guess.
An empty bottle lays at my feet, and it all comes crashing back.
My chest thrums with an aching that’s making it hard to breathe. My fingers tingle with the need to see her, to touch her.
But I know I can’t.
“Why are you all still here? Don’t you have your own jobs? And aren’t you guys supposed to go back to your honeymoon?”
“We’re here because of you,” My-Linh says, kindly. “We can’t leave you like this.”
“I’m fine.” I get to my feet, feeling around for my phone, even though I know I shouldn’t hope for a text message or voicemail, I do.
I just want to hear her voice one more time, one more time, to tell me why she did this. Tell me, so I can get over it once and for all.
And move on.
Move on to where?
Somewhere where I don’t need to drink my body’s volume in scotch to get through the day? That doesn’t sound as appealing as you’d think it would.
“She didn’t text,” Kingsley says, pulling my phone out of his pocket and sliding it onto my desk.
“I didn’t say anything. I don’t care.” It sounds sulky because it is.
“Don’t insult me,” Kingsley scowls. “Guys, I need to talk to Matthias alone for a bit.” Kingsley talks in two situations: work, and when one of us is in trouble.
I don’t like my odds.
The rest file out of my office, Kylian grumbling under his voice and getting a slap to the back of the head from both Kiara and Damien.
“What’s up?” I ask, trying to keep my voice light.
Kingsley just stares at me.
Ah, the age-old interrogation technique. Let me talk myself into a hole. Unlike when I was seventeen and crashed a car into Eton on graduation day, I can keep my mouth shut now.
Or not.
“Isn’t it funny that there are two more people in our family now?” I say after a while, the silence digging into my skin like a tick. “And girls. Ew.”