Billie raises her hands in surrender.
-Good. I’m just saying there’s some good ‘fuck me’ juju in there.
I push to my feet, smiling at her antics, but I stay still and stare at the saucy brunette.
-Wait. Is this the place for the kitchen counter?
He shrugs with a knowing smile.
I’m a clean freak. Don’t worry. I have disinfected it.
I purse my lips to keep from laughing, but Jasper catches my attention from across the table.
-I will go with you. -He points with his head to the men at the other end of the table-. Thanks for dinner. It has been excellent.
There are hugs and goodbyes, but everything mixes with the strong beating of my heart, because in a matter of minutes it’s just Jasper and I walking through a quiet farm under the dark night sky.
We have been here before.
Together in the dark.
But I had never felt like this.
Jasper enters the code into the door lock. The tension between us is so strong that neither of us laughs that the code is 6969. I’m tired and nervous at the same time.
We enter and I take off my shoes, without taking my eyes off the floor. I showered and changed in the main house when we arrived, but I haven’t entered this place yet.
It’s a cozy open concept with exposed wood beams. I assume the flight of stairs leads to a bedroom. Or bedrooms? I’m not sure because there doesn’t seem to be enough room for more than one.
But no one asked us about that. So either there are definitely two beds or my cousin and her friends are playing matchmaker in the fucking Love Shack.
“Nice little house,” I say absentmindedly as I look around.
Jasper’s back tenses against the navy blue t-shirt he’s wearing as he pours a glass of water from the refrigerator’s dispenser. I take a moment to take in the breadth of his shoulders, his ever-so-immaculate posture, and the way it tapers to his waist.
For that round hockey boy ass.
I lift my head and look at the ceiling, all wooden planks and cross beams. Industrial wrought iron lamps and a fan hang above me, contrasting with the Persian rug beneath my feet. Overstuffed leather sofas face tall A-shaped windows.
“You must be relieved about Beau,” I say just as Jasper turns around and leans against the kitchen counter. I idly wonder if it’s that countertop, but decide not to bring it up now.
-Yeah. It will be good to see. Hopefully, we’ll get more information from Harvey once he gets there.
I nod. We later learned that Harvey was flying east to a military hospital where Beau had been transferred so she could be with him.
“Are we going to stay here?” Or do we go back directly?
His head tilts, and the expression he wears as he heads to the ice paints his features.
Focus. The edge. The half-closed look.
“I don’t know, Sloane. what do you want?
I sigh heavily, throwing my shoulders back and holding my head high where I stand near the front door.
“For once, I’d like you to tell me what’s on your mind.” I’m tired, Jasper. Tired of guessing, tired of tiptoeing through other people’s feelings, tired of giving so much and receiving so little in return. And not just from you, from everyone. Can you tell me something real for once? What do you feel? What is our plan? We stay here? Or do we go back by car? It’s really not complicated. And since you’re the one on a timeline with the team, I’m going to assume you have a plan. Because you always have it.
He glares at me, so I continue.
It’s just that, as always, you don’t feel the need to talk about it. I wave a hand in front of me, frustration permeating my tone. Or anything. I guess it’s much better for you to keep everything locked up and then blind me with all your shit at once. So can you let me know or something?
I see how his jaw drops, how he squeezes the glass of water with his fingers, how his forearm ripples when he squeezes it. We stare at each other and I look into those eyes that I know so well, willing him to say something. I’ve spent years monologuing while he listened, but I don’t want to play that role for him anymore. Frustration wells in my chest before I jump.
“My God, Jasper! Say something, damn it!
“I feel like I might collapse under the weight of not wanting to disappoint you. The fear of losing you paralyzes me.
His words suck all the air out of the room. Like a punch straight to the gut.
I remember as a child falling off the swing at the ranch and being out of breath.
He was there… rubbing my back and telling me to stay calm. I open my mouth to respond, but he cuts me off.
The idea of needing you so much and letting you down. He looks down, shaking his head. It fucking kills me.
“You’re never going to lose me,” I whisper, wanting to run forward and touch him but wanting to give him space. I don’t want to corner him or suffocate him.
“I almost lost you.” “He takes a couple of steps forward and I think he’s going to approach me. But he places the glass of water on the marble island before resting his hands on it, as if the island is the only thing stopping him from crossing the room to me again.
Like he was fighting to stay away from me.
In that runaway mountain lane. Because of your father’s maneuvers. “For him,” she adds, lowering her eyes to the ring on my finger, the one that clearly didn’t stop me from crossing that line with Jasper at all.
“Then take me back!” I’ve been dreaming about you for years and I never knew you saw me as more than a friend. “He shudders, but I can’t hold back anymore.” I’ve been licking those wounds for so damn long, Jasper. And you have been too cowardly to say anything. So say it now. Tell me what you want!
He groans and lowers his head for a moment before fixing me with his midnight gaze.
-That is what I want. That’s what turns me on. Tell you what you have to do and listen to me. Check. His cheeks blush under his stubble. I’ve tried not to. But with everything that’s happened to me in my life, it’s become… He runs an agitated hand through his hair. Part of me. But I don’t want you to do something that makes you uncomfortable just to give me that. That’s not what you need. It’s not what I want for you. I see you. I see what you’ve been through. I’ve seen those men in your life telling you what to do, using you as a pawn. And I don’t want to be another jerk telling you what to do.
The excitement unfolds in my insides, the heat seeps to the tip of each member.
“Don’t you understand, Jas?” I’ve seen all your darkest parts and I’m still here. I keep wanting more. Stop trying to scare me. It will not work.
Now he looks hurt.
“I don’t want to be another man who…
I throw my hand forward and cut him off.
“You talk about not telling me what to do, about not wanting to disappoint me, but I’m sick of being treated like I’m too fragile or too pristine. I don’t want to be a damsel in distress! So stop treating me like one. I’m not a trophy. You’re not telling me to do anything! I’m telling you I want you to take me, and you’re sitting here, patting me on the head like I’m stupid, telling me I don’t know what I want. If I don’t like something, I’ll fucking tell you. But for the love of God, stop deciding what I like or don’t like. What I can or cannot stand. What feels good to me or not. Stop holding back with me.