He knows I’m talking about his father without even saying it. Harvey has filled that void for him as best he can, but there’s no way to get over a father who leaves you by choice. A father who blames you for the worst day of your life.
He clears his throat and looks at me from under the brim of his cap.
-No.
I nod my head, containing the anger that his biological father always awakens in me.
“I drove there once, you know. Just to see. I parked on the street and looked at his house for an entire day. His wife. Their children. A damn cat. I always wanted a cat, and he wouldn’t let me have one.
-He saw you?
-Eventually.
-What did he say?
His throat works in unison with his hands on the wheel, and he shrugs.
“I could kill him,” I murmur, running my hand over my lips as if I can suppress the words I want to spit out about this ‘man’ who abandoned his only surviving son to start over without him. Pain twists us all in unusual ways, and I would like to be more forgiving considering what he has been through.
But I can not. All I see is Jasper and what he did to her.
I know my dad can be a domineering jerk, but he cares about me in his own way.
Jasper laughs sadly.
“That’s the thing, Sunny. He didn’t say anything at all. He saw me. We looked at each other’s eyes. And he just closed the door and turned off the porch light. He went to bed.
-I’m sorry. My voice breaks as I apologize and I reach out to wrap my fingers around his shoulder, brushing the curls at the nape of his neck with my fingertips.
He tilts his head toward me and my fingertips brush the bone at the top of his spine. I touch him slowly and notice how his body relaxes under my caresses.
I think again that it is not enough to heal his wounds. But it’s what I have. I can be a person who really knows who he is and not what he is. I can hear. When you speak, I will always listen to you.
“Shit happens to the best of us, Sunny, and I’m not the best of us.
“For me you are,” is what I tell him.
My eyes focus on the diamond on my finger and I shudder at the sight. I need to take it off, but I’m putting it off. And not because I miss Sterling.
It’s because I’m worried that if I take off this ring, I’ll do something stupid and desperate where Jasper is concerned. It’s like a mental safety belt, one of the few things that keeps me safe from myself and an impulsive decision.
But I reach out my hand, take the one closest to the steering wheel and link my fingers tightly with his on the center console.
And the ring doesn’t stop me.
18
Sloane
Dad: Sloane, it’s time for you to answer my calls. I raised you better than this. I know you can be very emotional, but this is going too far. Control yourself and behave like a Winthrop.
Harvey: How are you guys doing?
Sloane: Good. I spent the night at Rose Hill. Should be at Ruby Creek this afternoon. I’ll keep you informed.
Harvey: How’s my boy?
Sloane: Good. Alright.
Harvey: And how are you?
Sloane: Hungover.
Harvey: Did he take you out drinking?
Sloane: Sort of.
I stuck my head out the window again when we crested the mountain pass. Visibility has worsened. I see the red taillights of the few vehicles around us and notice how the truck struggles to climb the steep hill. In the side mirror, I see the large round bales tied to the platform, two layers that fit together like puzzle pieces and covered with tied tarps to keep them from getting wet.
My ears pop as we reach maximum altitude and begin our descent, the front of the truck suddenly pointing downward. Jasper makes a soft growl and I turn to look at him. His eyebrows are furrowed and he looks between the dashboard and the road.
“Turn down the music, Sloane.
It’s already quiet, but I do it anyway because the tone of his voice grates on me. There is a note of anxiety, a note of authority, that makes my hair stand on end.
We increase speed and when I shift gears to look at the speedometer, it increases second by second. An emergency light turns red right next to it.
“Jas,” I exhale. What’s happening? I feel a tightness in my chest and, without knowing what is happening, I raise my right hand to grab the handle of the ceiling.
“You’ve buckled up, right, Sunny?” “Jasper bites, not looking at me once.
My eyes fall on our belts.
“Yes,” fear invades my voice.
Sloane. Peaceful. I’m going to keep you safe, okay? Tell me you understand.
I nod quickly, but no words come out of my lips. They are too tight.
“Talk to me, Sunny. Who found you that night when you got lost in the woods playing capture the flag?
We are going faster and faster.
-You did it.
“Who bound your feet?”
“You,” I whimper, watching the speedometer climb.
“Who got you out of that fucking wedding farce?” he growls, lowering his tone, as if it were time to get angry about it. When we are both about to die.
“You, Jas.” You. Always you. “My hand grips the front of the seat so tightly I feel like I could tear the leather.
The brakes that connect to the trailer are malfunctioning. I can only slow down to a certain point.
Panting. But Jasper is stoic. Pale but stoic. Eyes fixed on the road.
He honks loudly when we approach too quickly behind a car, urging them to get out of the way. A sigh escapes him as they signal and change lanes.