It seems unfair to me that so many terrible things can happen to one person. That a human being could defy the odds so completely. May the universe not have been able to spread a little of Jasper’s pain on more people to lighten his burden a little.
His sister. His mother. His father. Now Beau.
It’s cruel, and it makes my heart ache for him, it always has. Those damn sad eyes on that first day of summer that I drowned in them. A dark blue abyss. Sometimes I feel like I sank to the bottom of that deep ocean and settled there.
I got lost in Jasper’s eyes and never left.
“She comes and goes.” You know how it is. After Jenny’s death, he began self-medicating. And within a year, he was another person, living another life. One that took her from shelter to shelter. From prison to rehabilitation. A… I don’t even know anymore. He pauses, and all I can think is that he became a person who broke his son more than he already was. It is my fault.
His words are a hard blow.
I have lived such a beautiful and privileged life, tied with a shiny satin bow. I have never been hit. I never lost a family member. I have never experienced physical pain that was not my own doing. Sure, my parents have their quirks, but they have never set out to hurt me, nor have they cared so little about me that they would do anything that would cause me pain.
But I imagine that’s how it feels.
– It’s not your fault.
-It is. And I send him the money to atone for it.
A silent moan hurts my throat. I feel sick to my stomach and I don’t know if it’s the hangover or the topic of conversation.
“You have nothing to atone for.”
-I…
“No,” I say sharply, clapping my hands firmly to interrupt him. Nothing at all. Nothing at all. I have told you before and I will continue to tell you until the day I die. You were a boy, she was a girl, and it was an accident.
His breathing sounds heavy, almost labored, as we both look out the window.
“I still remember the night I told you what had happened. I remember you crying, which was even worse than saying it all out loud. Seeing you cry… so young and naive…
I did it. I sobbed. I tore for him, wanting to take some of his pain and make it mine. If the universe didn’t help him share the load, I decided I would do it myself.
That night, with the moon as his only witness, a devastated boy divulged his deepest, darkest secrets to the most inconsequential person he could find. A girl who never looked at him with pity, only with adoration.
And he broke his heart for her. He left all the broken pieces at his feet.
And I became the guardian of those pieces. I did not object to the rawness of the moment. I don’t think I even really understood it, but I picked up every little piece and kept them in my heart so they would be safe.
Over time I found meaning in his story. I reflected on it. I became part of it, I inserted myself in some way. And those pieces became seeds. Seeds that I watered, cared for and kept safe for him.
But the seeds grow and now the roots of him and that night wrap so tightly around my heart that I will never be able to get rid of Jasper Gervais.
There is not a soul in the world that can uproot those roots and the hold they have on me.
I learned from my parents that no matter how fiercely I love someone, it’s not enough to make them stay. And you? I told you every dirty little detail and you could have hated me. But you stayed. You danced.
“I could never hate you, Jas. “Tears stung my eyes. I did the only thing I knew how to do. Under the moonlight, in a field of lush green grass, I stood up and let the movements flow through my body. The classic melody played in my head. The only real music was the silence of a sweltering, warm summer night on the prairies.
And the only person in the audience was a gorgeous boy with haunted eyes who watched my every move and told me it was beautiful when I finished. Then he left. And I could only hope that he would sleep. Make it feel a little lighter.
He may have been an abandoned teenager and I was a naive girl, but that night we were just two souls with a secret. And after that, unlikely friends.
“I’m surprised you didn’t laugh when I told you.” -He chuckles.
I turn and punch him in the arm, feeling a little irritated with him for still being so damn hard on himself.
-Be quiet.
-What are you gonna do about it?
“Probably throw a bottle of water in your face.”
A relieved laugh escapes him and I watch as his hands twist on the wheel, eyes still focused on the road.
“I haven’t thrown it in your face.” It’s not my fault your hand-eye coordination is rubbish.
Tell it to my nose. “I rub it dramatically, although it doesn’t hurt at all.
The huge new lump he has suits you well. Add some character to that otherwise perfect face.
He’s trying to get back to friendly banter. The kind we do so well. The kind that arose between us once everything was on the table. After that night, I never hesitated to tell Jasper anything. Of course, as we grew up, things changed, but we had that foundation of raw honesty that I could always fall back on.
I trust him, and I think he trusts me. I don’t know why he trusted me that night. Maybe he just needed to unload, and I was the girl full of puppy love who was already up watching him, who was ‘coincidentally’ taking a walk.
In any case, it connected us. For life, it seems. Because I don’t think I told anyone all the details of that day. Who raised his hand in that signal. That his family fell apart as a result. That he feels responsible. That Beau found him living in a car in a field behind the school because his mother had disappeared and his shitty father had started a new life and hadn’t come home for him at all.
The mention of the perfect face makes the cabin quiet again, and with all the silence, my mind wanders.
I’m curious and ask: Have you heard from him?