***
“You mean you told someone else that you wanted to break up with me?” Shane whispered emotionally, feeling not only anger but shock and humiliation as well.
Shane had never felt that stupid in his life. Now he understood everything. Chris’ recent remoteness, his disappearance, and general attitude. Chris had wanted out. But why couldn’t he simply tell him? To think his boyfriend had actually been contemplating breaking up with him…and didn’t even have the decency to tell him to his face. The fact that Chris wanted a break-up was hurting enough. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he’d rather gone telling someone else about it. Shane felt so much pain inside his chest he couldn’t breathe.
“Shane it’s not like that,” Chris said with a groan, moving to stand in front of Shane.
“Did you or did you not tell Murray that you wanted out?” Shane’s voice was so quiet and cold Chris shivered. Shane sounded lethal.
“Shane please listen to…” Chris began desperately but got cut off by a visibly trembling Shane.
“Just answer the damn question,” Shane growled.
“No Shane.” Chris’ voice raised. “You don’t get to do that to me a second time.” He said angrily. “You asked me the same trick question when you saw me at the hotel with Peaches. ‘Are you saying you’ve never fucked her?'” Chris rasped, giving the sentence quotation marks with his fingers. “How the fuck was I supposed to answer that when I had indeed fucked her before?”
“You could have told me you fucked her a long time ago,” Shane growled, remembering the pain he’d felt at Chris’ answer that day.
“I got angry, Shane. Angry that you could think that of me in the first place. So I chose to tell you the truth…what you wanted to hear.”
“And now?” Shane whispered, breathing harshly. His fists clenched by his sides.
“It is not a simple yes or no answer, just like that stupid Peaches question,” Chris growled.
“Yes, it is.” Shane countered. “It’s either you told him you wanted to break up with me or not. Simple as ABC.”
“Would I be here with you if I wanted to break up with…”
“You woke up here.” Shane bellowed. “You were so drunk you had passed out. Aaron claims you agreed to come here with me but I can bet my last cent, you didn’t even know what you were talking about.”
“Shane…”
“Shut the fuck up and listen to me, you asshole,” Shane growled. He could barely control his temper. He wanted to lash out at something. The myriad of emotions swirling within him was so intense he couldn’t understand how he could still talk. “I should have known. All the signs were there. You wouldn’t talk to me, you lied to me that you were going to sleep at home when you were actually drinking your life away in some hotel. Tell me, Chris, was I so sickening that you couldn’t stand being with me anymore?”
“Baby…”
“Don’t you dare baby me.” Shane bellowed. “Know what hurts me even more? That you couldn’t tell me but could tell someone else. Do you have any idea how that feels? I love you with my whole being. I want you to be happy. Whether you deserve to be happy is debatable but silly me wants the very best for you anyway.” Shane didn’t react to Chris’ gasp at his words. “So if you were no longer interested in this relationship, all you had to do was tell me. I would have let you go if that was what you felt would make you happy. It will be difficult but I would have. You didn’t have to go discussing leaving me behind my back. Who else did you tell? The guys? Have I been a laughing stock all this while? In fact, do you even love me as you claim you…”
“Stop.” The word tore out of Chris’ throat with so much pain and torment, Shane stopped his tirade. “Are you listening to yourself right now?” Chris screamed, his hands clenching. “How can you even ask if I love you? I was having visions, Shane. When I started therapy, all I could see was you…Nick…beaten up. All I had to do was think of you or close my eyes, and that image of you, lying on the floor of my bedroom all bloodied and broken up, would be there. I thought I was the worst thing that has ever happened to you. I thought you would be better off with me out of your life. I don’t know why I thought that, but I did. Maybe I was going crazy but…”
“What? Pleading temporary insanity now?” Shane sneered.
“I wanted to go away and think, Shane.” Chris sighed deeply, tears clogging his words. “I just wanted to think. I couldn’t do that when I was around you.” His voice cracked as his eyes welled with tears. “Not when I was assailed with all those images. In the end, I didn’t even have to think. I knew I couldn’t let you go. Call me selfish but I want you in my life, Shane.”
“Really?”
“You know I do…” Chris felt wetness on his cheeks and furiously rubbed them away but they continued to flow. His chest felt so tight he found it hard to breathe.
“I don’t know any such thing,” Shane growled and then gave a short humourless laugh. “You really need to stop talking because every word that drops out of your mouth makes me realize just how stupid you think I am. I’m surprised you actually expect me to believe that crap about thinking through whatever shit and coming to the conclusion that you couldn’t be without me? Dude! I have a one hundred and forty IQ and two PHDs and it’s pretty hard to insult my intelligence but I think you just did.” Shane said quietly with a slow shake of his head. “You could have told me in that hotel that you were not sleeping with that girl and yet you chose to make me believe the worst. That only shows one thing. You were determined to end it.”
Panic swelled within Chris until he was virtually panting for air. “Shane please…” Chris whispered, his cheeks wet with tears.
“What were you trying to prove with that girl? Push me away? You figured…if I hurt him enough, if I kill his pride, if I push him away as I possibly can, he won’t come back.” Shane shrugged with a sad and resigned look on his face. “Well congratulations, Chris. Mission accomplished. I’ll be out of here by morning.”
“Shane… Christ. Don’t say that!” Chris’ breath caught on a sob.
Without another word, Shane turned to go. But at the door, he paused and turned around to face Chris. “Oh and one more thing. I didn’t hire Mario. Your housekeeper did.” With that final parting shot, Shane left the study.