***
“It’s all in the past now. Try not to think about it.” Shane said quietly.
“Well, I can’t not think about it.” Chris retorted, getting angry. “It’s not been easy being around you all this time…being reminded every second of what I did. Yes, you were the victim but I’ve also had to live in my own hell and there’s nothing as draining as guilt. So when I suddenly find myself having all these feelings and then you say something like that, I just don’t know what to think. You probably said that in anger but a part of you must have believed that for it to have come out that way and that scares the shit out of me.
I just need to know whether I should guard myself and just see this as fun or keep letting myself go as I’m doing. It could be that you’re only setting me up as payback. You have every right to do that, Shane. Really. But Shane, please. With the way I’m feeling already, I won’t survive it if you lead me on only to squash everything. Thank you for forgiving me but…I need to know how you feel about all this.” Chris finished in a whisper. He’d bared his very soul to Shane. Shane could choose to trample on it or put his mind to rest.
Shane could feel Chris’ heart pounding against him and almost groaned. He turned his head and pressed a kiss against Chris’ lips. “Before I go into how I feel about us, there’s something you need to understand, Chris. What happened all those years ago, shaped a great part of my life. Hell, it shaped my whole life because even your cruel words made me strive to make something of myself. Thanks for that. But the other part of my life…the greater part was affected negatively by what happened.
Though I know you were just a kid and didn’t know any better, I’m only human. I’m bound to get bitter sometimes. Even though I’ve told you I’ve forgiven you, don’t be surprised if I make references to it sometimes. I’ll try not to. But like I said, I’m human…and I’m bound to do that sometimes. Please don’t let that make you feel like I haven’t forgiven you or that I have a hidden agenda to pay you back. Because I don’t.
About the silly comment I passed. Yes, I was angry and upset but I shouldn’t have said that because I’ve never experienced anything so agonizingly exquisite like that handjob. That phone sex was totally off the fucking hook. And that blowjob…let’s just not go there. Every experience with you has been beautiful and special for me too. What I said was wrong and I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for not being man enough to admit what is so obvious.”
Chris swallowed hard. “What’s that?” He croaked.
Shane smiled and Chris was suddenly a kid again…back to that point in his life when he realized that love didn’t follow any rules, the point when he understood that no one, except Nick Lewis, would ever have his heart.
Shane turned around and straddled Chris’ thighs, looking directly into Chris’ eyes. “Wanna know how I feel about you?” Shane asked quietly. “You fucking own me, Chris. I don’t know how you do it but without you, I’m lost. You stir my soul. I can’t even conceive life without you. That’s how strongly I feel about us.”
“Shane…” Chris uttered, his voice so guttural he didn’t recognize it as his own. He was totally floored by Shane’s heartfelt words.
“I love you, Chris.” The words tore out shakily from Shane as irrepressible vulnerability rocked through him, flashing across his gorgeous face. “I never stopped. I…I don’t think I’ll ever love any other person like that…ever.” For once, Shane didn’t try to mask how he felt. From the shocked look on Chris’ face, he knew Chris could see into his very soul but he didn’t care. “I don’t think I can stop even if you tell me to.” Shane’s eyes were suspiciously bright, causing a tightening around Chris’ heart. “I’m yours if you want me, Chris. But I’m not going to let you play games with my heart.” He added in a fierce whisper. “Got that?”
Chris swallowed past the huge lump in his throat. Then he nodded jerkily. “Loud and clear.” He croaked.
Shane nodded. “Good. Because for years, my heart has felt as though it no longer belonged to me. It felt as if it had been stolen, torn from my chest by someone who wanted no part of it. It’s the shittiest feeling ever and I never want to feel like that again.”
Chris opened his mouth but nothing came out. He felt like he’d been physically struck. It was a good thing he was already lying on his back, or he’d have fallen down. In just a few words, Shane had succeeded in bringing an intense feeling of both joy and pain into Chris’ heart. But Chris understood Shane perfectly. It was only a fool who would jump into a relationship without laying the cards on the table after getting so badly burnt. And Shane was no fool.
“I would die before I ever hurt you again.” Chris’ voice was barely a scrape of sound. But Shane heard him perfectly.
Shane’s breath hitched in his throat at Chris’ words because thanks to Damon, he knew just how seriously Chris meant that. He quickly leaned his forehead against Chris’ with a groan. “If you ever do anything to yourself on my account, I’ll find a way to bring you back, and then kill you myself. Slowly and painfully. I’ve never been more serious about anything, Chris. I would rather you hurt me all you want and live in this world with me than make me happy and then check out. I can’t take that, please.” Shane was shaking as he spoke, scaring Chris. “Chris, promise me.” Shane was almost on the verge of tears.
“Promise you what?” Chris looked bewildered.
“That you’ll never do anything to hurt yourself.” Shane rasped.
“I…” Then it dawned on Chris. “Did you talk to Damon?”
“Just promise me, Chris.”
Chris gave a deep sigh, finally understanding why Shane had been so out of it in the morning. “I won’t do anything to myself.” Chris drew Shane into his arms and hugged him tightly.
“What the fuck were you thinking, you moron.” Shane groaned into the crook of Chris’ neck where his face was pressed.
“I wasn’t. I just wanted to end the pain I was feeling.” He murmured. “And I’m going to kill Damon,” Chris growled.
Shane raised his head and looked at Chris with a slight frown on his handsome face. “He was only looking out for you.” He said softly. “Listen, things happen when people are in a relationship, Chris. They may hurt each other unintentionally. It doesn’t mean they don’t love them. If we ever hurt each other, I would rather we talk about it and resolve issues okay?”
Chris laughed softly. “Dude, I’m not suicidal.”
“I don’t care. Just talk to me no matter how bad it is. Please.”
“I promise.”
“Thanks.” Shane leaned forwards and pressed a kiss to Chris’ lips. “Now, shall we hit the gym?” Shane said getting off Chris’ thighs. It was not every day a person got to bear his soul. Shane needed a good workout. And from the way Chris looked, he needed it even more.