I sat in the waiting room with my eyes closed. All I could hear was the clock.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
“Penny.” Bee nudged my arm.
I opened my eyes and saw the doctor walking toward us. She looked exhausted. Her face was completely unreadable. Time seemed to slow down as I stood up.
“As you know, James’ lung collapsed,” she said. “We thought that we had fixed the puncture before, but it wasn’t strong enough. We’ve repaired it again and removed the air from his chest cavity. There was no tension in his chest, which was a good sign. But his heart stopped during surgery.”
It felt like my heart stopped while I was listening. I felt Bee grab my hand. I felt someone else touch my shoulder. Without their support I would have been falling. But it didn’t stop the despair inside of me. No. This can’t be happening.
“You are all aware that James has a DNR. In all cases we have to respect the patient’s desires.”
No. God, please no.
“But, it’s also a judgment call on our part. The DNR was written a few years ago. And…” she glanced at me, “there were other factors to consider. With that said, we did not follow James’ desires. We restarted his heart. And he woke up.” The doctor smiled.
I put my hand on my chest. It felt like I could breathe again. He’s awake. Even before she said it, I could feel him. Despite everyone around me, I fell. I fell to my knees and cried away my fears. I cried away the feeling of despair.
Everyone around me started cheering and laughing. And I just continued to cry. “Can I see him?” I croaked. “I need to see him.”
The doctor crouched down beside me. “He’s asleep right now. He needs his rest. But you can go be with him.”
“Thank you.” I tried to wipe my tears away, but I couldn’t seem to stop crying. All my worries from the past few days seemed to seep out of me. And I was filled with this underlying hope.
She nodded. “It’s in his best interest to meet his baby.”
“Thank you,” I said again. I threw my arms around her. “Thank you so much.”
“You can thank me by not letting him sue the hospital.”
“He wouldn’t. I know this is what he wanted.”
“I’ll need you to get him to sign a few papers when he wakes up saying that’s true. But how about right now you go see him?”
I nodded and slowly stood up. I didn’t feel weak anymore. I felt strong again. Like I could face anything. And the realization hit me hard. I was strong because of him. James gave me strength. He really was my everything.
I followed the doctor to the door.
“Don’t wake him up, Penny. It’s very important that he gets rest.”
“I won’t.” I went into the room.
There was no longer a tube down his throat and the color was back in face. He looked like James again. He looked like my husband.
I didn’t say a word. Right now he needed rest and silence. Thank you. Thank you for coming back to me. I let my tears fall again. I thought marrying him was the happiest moment of my life. But it wasn’t. This was.
PART 3
Thursday
“Penny,” James whispered.
I was dreaming again. James and I were sleeping in our bed. I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want the memory to fade. The sun was streaming through the windows. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead. I was surrounded by warmth. The sun on my face and his body intertwined with mine. But nothing came close to the warmth in my heart. The simplest of moments were my favorites. The lazy mornings. Making pancakes for him on the weekends while he pretended to help. I closed my eyes even tighter. I didn’t want the memories to fade. I couldn’t let the memories fade.
“My beautiful wife,” James said and touched the side of my face.
And the realization hit me hard. It wasn’t a dream. He had never gotten to wake up in the morning and say those words to me. Until now. My eyes flew open. He was staring at me. James was awake. “James.” I didn’t try to hide the worry in my voice or the tears in my eyes. And especially not the joy in my heart.
“You haven’t been eating,” he said slowly. His voice was hoarse. He barely sounded like himself.
“Neither have you.”
He laughed and then immediately groaned. “Stubborn as always, I see.”
“You’re awake.” I had almost forgotten the curves of his lips. And the dimples in his cheeks. And that intoxicating way that he looked at me.
“What, you thought I’d leave you?” He smiled again, but it didn’t hide the grimace. He was in pain.
“Let me go get the nurse, okay?”
“No.” He grabbed my hand.
It felt like a lifetime since he had grabbed my hand. I relished the warmth of his skin and the strength behind his fingers.
“Don’t cry. It hurts me to see you cry.”
I quickly wiped my tears away. Be strong. “I thought I lost you.” I thought you had left me.
He shook his head. “Come here.” He patted the bed beside me.
I didn’t hesitate. I was tired of dreaming of his arms around me. I thought I’d never get another one of these moments.
He cringed as I climbed onto the bed.
“James, let me get the nurse.”
“No. I just need you.” He moved his arm so that I could rest my head on his shoulder.
I slowly lay down, trying not to hit any of the wires that were attached to him.
He groaned softly. I wasn’t sure why he wouldn’t let me get the nurse. But I wanted this moment too. I just hoped I wasn’t hurting him too badly.
“Does it hurt?” I asked.
“I’m okay.”
It didn’t really answer my question, but I knew what he meant. Everything was going to be okay now. We were both alive. That’s all that mattered.
“Am I thirty yet?”
Is he? I tried to count the days in my head. I had lost track of time. I had lost track of everything.