I was starting to think that James still didn’t tell me a lot of things. “Not exactly. He told me he was trying, though.”
“He was pretty relentless, in fact.”
I smiled. “That sounds like James.”
Jon shifted in his seat. “I owe you an apology.”
“You don’t. It’s between you and James.” I wasn’t going to interfere anymore. I just wanted James to wake up. I just wanted him to be happy.
“No.” He shook his head. “Well, yes, but I’m not talking about that right now.” He awkwardly cleared his throat. “When Susan and I were in the room with James, something came up. I know it wasn’t the time or place to confront her, but at the moment it seemed necessary.”
“You were arguing in his room?” I had left James alone to hear his parents screaming at each other. To hear the chaos that he grew up with and so badly wanted to escape.
“Yes, but…”
“Why would you do that? The doctor specifically said to talk to him quietly. Not yell.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why? Why couldn’t you put your son first for five seconds?”
“It’s not what you think. I was trying…”
“No, that’s exactly the point, Jon. You weren’t trying.”
He lowered both his eyebrows. I hated how much it reminded me of James. I hated how that small action made me want to forgive him, to comfort him. But Jon wasn’t James. Rob wasn’t James. James was back in surgery. With a DNR and no more chances. My husband was dying. And his own father’s yelling caused it. His parents screaming at each other. I refused to sit here and listen to Jon’s lame apology. Because I didn’t have it in my heart to forgive anyone.
“I don’t think he stopped breathing because we were arguing. What I was trying to apologize for was that we moved our argument out of the room.”
“He was alone when it happened?”
“I’m so sorry.”
He was alone? Tears pricked at my eyes. Mason was wrong. I couldn’t lean on any of these people. Because none of them seemed to have James’ best interests in mind. Any one of them could have been conspiring alongside Isabella. Any one of them could be the enemy.
“Penny, if you would just let me explain,” Jon said.
But I was already walking away. I needed to be alone in my grief. I needed to be alone in my weakness.
Wednesday
“Penny?” my mom said and knocked on the stall door. “Can you please open the door?”
There was no escaping in this hospital. And I couldn’t leave. I needed to be here. I needed to be close to him. I clenched my eyes shut. I couldn’t do this right now.
“You know,” my mom said, “when you were little and you got upset, you used to lock yourself in your room. No matter what we said to try and console you, you refused to come out. Until you got hungry.”
I shook my head. I wasn’t a kid anymore. And I wasn’t refusing to come out because I was upset. I was refusing to come out because it felt like my life had stopped. It felt like my legs wouldn’t work. It felt like my world was black. I was drowning in my grief. I was drowning in my weakness.
“Sweetie, I know you’re in pain. Please come out and talk to me.”
“I can’t talk about my fears because it makes the possibility that much more real.”
“Sweetie.” My mom touched the stall door.
For some reason the door between us made it easier. It reminded me of going to confession when I was little. I was always so terrified of talking to the priest. Not because I was upset about anything I had done. I was just terrified of him judging me.
I looked down at the notebook on my lap. I had been reading my vows to him again. And trying to make sense of the scribbled, tear stained notes of how he made me feel. The day before our wedding I thought I needed to capture those moments on paper because he had broken up with me. I had actually written quite a bit. But the notes didn’t do him justice. And this was so much worse than just us being broken up. Maybe I could have kept going knowing he was out there, alive and happy. But not like this. I couldn’t keep going if he died. I couldn’t do it. I stifled my sob. “What if he dies, Mom?” It came out as a whisper. It really did feel like I was in confession.
There was no response. My mom just sighed.
“What if I lose him?”
“Then you have to choose to keep living.”
Everyone had been telling me that he wouldn’t die. That everything would be okay. No one was able to confront the possibility of James dying. “I can’t keep living without him.”
“You can. And you will.”
No. “You don’t understand.”
“Of course I understand. I love you with all my heart. And I love your father the same. The possibility of losing one of you is terrifying.”
“He’s my whole world. He’s everything.”
“Penny, you have family and friends that love you dearly. I understand how it feels like he’s everything. But that’s the whole reason you keep living. You keep going in order to keep the memory of him alive. And your family and friends help to make that happen.”
I touched my stomach. To keep the memory of him alive. If James didn’t come out of this, I had to keep living. So the memory of him wouldn’t die. I couldn’t let the memory of him die. So why did I feel like curling up in a ball and dying beside him? Why was I so weak when I was begging him to be strong and fight his way back to me? I took another deep breath. I needed to shake this feeling. I needed to be stronger than this. I wasn’t sure I could keep going without him beside me. But I needed to try. I needed to stop giving up. I needed to stop being so pathetic. “I think I’m hungry now.”
My mom laughed. “Then come out and let’s go down and get some dinner.”
I stuffed my notebook back into my purse. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to keep living without him. But maybe I could write more down. More memories, more feelings, more words to eternalize how wonderful he is. So that no one could ever forget. So that the memory of him would stay alive, even if I couldn’t. I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom stall.
My mom had tears in her eyes. And somehow I felt closer to her than I had in years. We had grown apart when I went to college and when I moved away to the city. But I was still her child. I was still allowed to need my mom. And I really needed her right now.
“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
“What?” She put her hand over her chest. “Does James know?”
I shook my head. “I found out here. I had been feeling nauseous and emotional and… well, I guess that was why.”
She embraced me in a huge hug. “Sweetie, this is the kind of news that allows you to keep fighting.”
But it had made me feel weak. Be strong.
“Now we definitely need to get you something to eat.”
***