“Because it wouldn’t compare to you! I’m broken, Penny. I’m weak. I’m not worthy of you.”
“James.” I tried to keep my voice as even as I could. “I’m not scared about you slipping because you’re weak. I’m scared because I don’t know what that side of you is like. All I’ve ever known is the you that I see in front of me. As far as I’m concerned that’s the only you that exists. I’m so sorry I kept you in the dark. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I didn’t mean to.”
“I know.” He walked past me and put his elbows on the ledge.
When I had come out here, I thought this moment was so perfect. I wish I could go back in time and ask him to make love to me. Now I was just tired and upset and James was refusing to look at me. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be the night before we got married.
“I thought when you found the right person, things were supposed to be easy,” he said more to the skyline than to me. “Why does it feel like this relationship is always so much work?”
“I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to push me away. Again. Like you always do.” I leaned against the ledge beside him. “It’s like you’re stuck in reverse. Why do you not believe in what we have? Why do you keep pushing me away? You and I both know that I didn’t walk away from you. This isn’t about me. This is about you being scared. And that doesn’t make you weak. I’m scared too.”
He shook his head.
“Talk to me.”
He turned his head to me. “Tomorrow, after I say I do, that’s it for me. It’s my fresh start. You’re my fresh start. If something happens to that, I’m done. I can’t live without you. I can’t even function without you. You say you don’t care if I’m addicted to you. That’s your decision. I’m not going to stop you from marrying me because I don’t want to. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be mine. But yeah, it’s fucking terrifying. Because there are no guarantees in life. Who knows what’ll happen the next day or the day after that. I’ve given myself so completely to you that there’s nothing left of me without you. There is no me without you.”
“James, I feel exactly the same way. And I didn’t realize how true that was until our fight last night. And that’s why you’re feeling that way. Because now you know what it’s like to lose me. But I’m not going anywhere.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I’m healthy. And I’m careful. And we have security guards following us around protecting us.”
James shook his head. “I’m worried about Isabella. I can’t explain it. I just… I know she’s planning something. I can feel it. Maybe I’m just unsettled. I realize that no one else thinks Isabella would hurt anyone. But she’s out there somewhere, and I’m scared that she’ll try.”
“We’re going to be okay.” I put my hand on top of his. “Anything else you need to get off your chest?”
“I want to know that you’ll let me protect you.”
“I’m letting Porter follow me around. They can hang out with us all the time if that’s what you need.”
“No, I like being alone with you.” He smiled for the first time since we had sex. “I’m sorry.” He sighed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m just finally getting nervous about tomorrow too.”
I ducked underneath his arm and let him wrap himself around me. “I promise I’m going to show up.”
He laughed. “What about you? Is there anything you need to get off your chest before tomorrow?”
I thought about how I kept things from him before. I wasn’t going to do that anymore. “I was wondering if maybe you should call your therapist? I know it’s late, so in the morning maybe? To talk to him about the fact that you think you’re addicted to me.”
“We’ve already talked about it. He’ll say that I’m not.”
“So why don’t you believe him or me?”
“Because I can’t properly express how it felt when you left last night. I can’t make someone understand when they don’t know how it feels.”
“But that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I know how it feels. Because I love you.”
“Your first reaction wasn’t to go out and buy cocaine though.”
“Only because I’ve never done cocaine before. Maybe it would have been. Who knows?”
James laughed. He ran his fingers through my hair. “I’ll call him in the morning if it’ll make you feel better.”
“I just want you to go into tomorrow knowing that what we have is love,” I said.
“Okay. I’ll call him. Anything else?”
I hated bringing up more stuff. But I had to. This had become a night of confessions. There was no point in holding back now. “At the precinct today, that cop said something about how I’d probably have to fill out a lot of restraining orders if I was marrying you. Or something like that. What have you been arrested for, James?”
“Nothing that serious.”
“Just tell me the list.”
“Isabella filed a restraining order against me after I beat up the guy she was screwing behind my back. She said she was scared I’d come after her next. It was ridiculous. I never laid a hand on her. She was just trying to pretend to be the victim.”
“Okay.” That had to be what the officer was referring too. But I wanted to hear it all. “What else?’
“Just minor things.”
“Then tell me.”
He released me from his embrace so he could look down at me. “It was a long time ago.”
“I promise I’m not going to judge you.”
“Okay.” He ran his hand through his hair. “There were a few fights once or twice that got pretty ugly during summer breaks of college. I hated coming home. I was angry all the time.” He shook his head. “I think I got something for peeing in a bush in Central Park once. I don’t even really remember. Public drunkenness. I wrote some threatening letters to one of Jen’s ex-boyfriends. He deserved it. I don’t regret that at all. That was another restraining order. And I’ve been arrested for being in possession of drugs. Nothing since the restraining order from Isabella, though. Nothing since I’ve met you.”
“How are you not in jail right now?”
“I have a really good lawyer. And a lot of money.”
I shook my head. “So no fights recently?”
“I don’t have anything to be angry about anymore.”