“Then why did you walk out on me when I needed you the most?!” He thrust inside of me hard.
Fuck! This morning he had been distraught and lost. And now he was angry.
His fingers dug into my hips as he slammed into me again. “Why did you not trust me enough to tell me what was happening? Why do you leave me in the dark when I try so hard every day to be your light?” He grabbed a fistful of my hair to make me arch my back more.
“I’m sorry.”
“Why do you refuse to let me protect you?”
I don’t know. Tears started to come to my eyes.
“Why? Tell me why!”
“I don’t know!” I clenched my jaw. He was being rough, but it didn’t hurt. What hurt was that he was right. I hadn’t realized I was doing it. But I purposely kept things to myself because I didn’t want to add to the constant burden he carried. The one he wouldn’t let me help him hold. I didn’t want to add anything else because I was worried he might slip. And I couldn’t lose him. I couldn’t be the reason that he slipped.
His fingers eased on my hips and one of his hands slid down my stomach. He gently massaged his thumb against my clit.
“I don’t like when you lie to me.”
“I’m not lying to you. Keep fucking me, James.” I needed him to get whatever was in his system out. This was the only way I knew how. I thought making love to him this morning would fix this, but I was wrong. “Make me scream your name. Show me how good this feels. Show me how much you need me too.”
He groaned as he thrust into me faster.
“Harder!” I closed my eyes. The intensity was too much. The weight of what this all meant was too much.
“Fuck.” He slammed into me as his fingers dug into my skin. “Come for me, Penny.”
It was easy to follow his command. All I could feel was him relentless fucking me. The mixture of pleasure and pain had almost made me come when we had only just started. “James!” I moaned and pushed back against him. I opened my eyes as I started to come. And I had the strangest sensation that I was flying. The city stretched out below me. And I knew as soon as I came down from this high, the reality of what had just happened would make it feel like I was falling. I wanted to fly for as long as I could. I pushed back against the ledge. James hadn’t cum yet. I didn’t have to fall yet.
But James immediately pulled out of me.
No.
He grabbed my arm and turned me around. His other hand was slowly pumping up and down his erection. He pushed down on my shoulders until I was kneeling in front of him. I usually liked when he did this. And I knew he liked it. He had told me he liked seeing his cum drip down my breasts. It made me feel sexy too. But it didn’t seem like that tonight though. He was doing it because he felt insecure. As if this somehow claimed me. Why couldn’t he see that I was already his?
His first shot landed on the center of my chest. There was no bliss on his face. Only agony. Two more hit each of my breasts. After his last stream hit my stomach he turned around and quickly started to get dressed. The silence was unnerving.
I wiped off his semen with my t-shirt and then pulled my robe on. “James.” I stood up and put my hand on his arm, but he pulled away.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what came over me. You asked me to punish you and I was thinking of reasons why I should. I got carried away.”
Why wasn’t he facing me?
He exhaled loudly. “Did I hurt you?”
“No.” This time when I touched his arm, he didn’t flinch. I walked around him and looked up into his eyes. “Talk to me.”
“Why do you keep me in the dark?” He was looking at me like he knew the answer. Like it had been part of the burden he was carrying this whole time.
The thought made me feel so guilty. I had been adding to it when I was trying to do the exact opposite. “Because I’m scared you’ll slip. I’m scared if anything ever goes wrong you’ll slip. And I won’t be able to get you back.”
“Well I did.” He reached into his pocket. He pulled something out and tossed it to me.
I caught it in my hand. It looked like a small bag of baby powder. “What is this?”
He ran his hand through his hair.
“Tell me you didn’t take this, James. Tell me you didn’t do this.”
“You left me.”
“You kicked me out! Tell me you didn’t take this!” I threw the bag back at him.
“I didn’t take it.”
An exasperated laugh escaped my lips. “Don’t just say that because it’s what I want to hear. Tell me the truth.”
“I didn’t take it. But the moment that you left… that’s when I knew I was addicted to you. That’s the moment I knew that I was still sick. I wanted to dull the pain. I wanted something, anything to dull that pain.”
“That means you wanted something because you were hurting. That doesn’t mean you’re addicted to me.”
“Don’t you get it, Penny? My life sucks without you. I don’t need anything to dull the pain when I’m with you because you dull it. You’re my drug.”
The way he said “you” made my chest hurt.
” It doesn’t matter if it’s this,” he grabbed the bag off the ground, “or alcohol or you. I’m an addict. I’ve always been an addict. And I’ll always be an addict. You hide things from me because you’re scared of what will happen if I slip. I’ve already slipped. Every time I fuck you I’m slipping. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see that I have no fucking control? I almost hurt you…”
“Stop.”
“Penny, I can’t…”
“Stop!” My words seemed to echo in the silent night. “You didn’t hurt me. I love when you’re rough with me. You fucked me like that because I asked you to. Nothing has changed from this morning. What you see as addiction, I see as love. And the fact that you didn’t take whatever is in that bag means you’re not an addict.”