“Are you okay?” he asked.
I had gotten lost in my thoughts. I nodded my head and smiled. “Yeah. I’m just feeling a bit tired. I’m going to go take a nap.”
He nodded.
I walked into the building. The wave of air conditioning made me shiver. It was freezing. It felt like I was in the middle of a New York winter.
“Penny!” Cliff called as I made me way to the elevator. “I have a package for you.”
Oh God. But when I turned around, it was a box sitting on the counter, not another manila envelope. I let a sigh escape from my lips as I walked over to Cliff and lifted up the box. “Thanks, Cliff.”
As I stepped onto the elevator, I looked down at the box. My momentary relief completely evaporated. It was addressed like the last envelope had been, with just my name and no address. The elevator dinged. I absentmindedly walked into our apartment. My heart was racing. I set the box down on the counter. I had this weird, all consuming fear that there was going to be a bloody limb in the box. Part of me wanted to laugh it off, but the other half of me was wondering just how crazy Isabella really was. She followed James to Rachel’s. She had gotten someone to take pictures of her in James’ office in order to capture her kissing him.
I shouldn’t look in the box. But it was like I had no control over my body. I tore off the brown paper and looked down at the shoebox. There was a post-it note on top of the lid:
He’s not good at forever. His words are as empty as the promises he can’t possibly keep because his love is as fleeting as his addictions.
James talked about a forever with me before he had even officially divorced Isabella. He jumped into a life with me head first. But it was because he had never experienced something so real before. It didn’t matter what Isabella said about Rachel. He loved me more than he ever loved her. And he definitely loved me more than he loved Isabella. James kept his promises to me. Always. He was good at forever because he was my forever.
But I still opened the lid of the shoebox. I wasn’t scared of Isabella. Whatever was inside couldn’t take away the fact that I knew he was the love of my life. And that he meant every word he ever said to me.
Inside there were dozens of handwritten letters and short notes. On top of the jumbled up letters was another post-it note:
Love is something to hold on to when your past is dark. When you need an escape from your reality. When you’re an addict.
Fuck you, Isabella. She didn’t know him. She never did. James was in control of his own fate. He wasn’t addicted to me. And he was certainly never addicted to her. I picked up the first letter that was underneath her note:
My beautiful Isabella,
Today we start our lives together. There’s nothing I want more than to fall asleep with you in my arms and to wake up to your smile for the rest of my life. I’ve been dreaming of this day my whole life, the day you’ll finally be mine, the day we finally become one. Marriage, starting a family, growing old together, I want everything with you and only you. You are the love of my life. You are my heart and soul. You are my happily ever after.
I’ll love you always and forever,
-James
I could picture him writing this to me on our wedding day. He had even said some of these things to me before. Almost word for word. This was how he had felt the day they had gotten married. His words were so full of hope. They were so full of love. I felt a tear fall down my cheek.
He had made it seem like he never loved her. Like he was forced into it. But he had said he tried to make it work. He had wanted it to work. That letter didn’t make it seem like he was trying to love her. It made it seem like he did. I sat down on one of the stools at the kitchen counter and reread the letter.
Maybe I was wrong. His words were so heartfelt. Had he actually been in love with her when they got married? That wasn’t what he told me, though. I pulled out the picture from my purse and stared at the two of them kissing. He wasn’t pushing her away. Maybe he still loved her.
I grabbed another note from the box.
My love,
You love me despite my flaws. You understand me better than anyone else ever has or ever could. The best decision I ever made was marrying you.
Yours,
-James
I could feel my heart beating in my throat. I picked up another note and read one after another.
Isabella,
Your eyes sparkle in the sun. I get lost in them every time we’re together.
Love,
-James
To the sexiest woman I know,
When we’re not together I dream of you. My lips against your soft skin. My fingers in your silky hair. The taste of you drives me crazy, baby. I’ll never get enough of you. I can’t wait for this business trip to be over. Not having you every night is torture. I feel like a teenager again.
Thinking of you,
-James
My beautiful wife,
I can’t wait to have children with you. I can’t wait to start our family. You’re going to be a wonderful mother. You’re so loving and caring. I’m ready to try. A bunch of little yous running around would make me the happiest man in the world.
Love always,
-James
I couldn’t read anymore. All the words were blurry because of my tears. He loved her. He loved her so much. These were sweet notes written to a woman he was head over heels for. He wanted to start a family with her.
And he didn’t want one with me. I put the notes back in the box and closed the lid. He was ready to have children four years ago, but he wasn’t ready now. It didn’t seem like he ever wanted kids with me.
James meant everything to me. He was my whole world. And now it felt like my whole world was crumbling in front of me.