“Yes. But I came here for me. I’m living the way I want to live. I’m not answering to anyone else. I don’t need an escape anymore.”
“Isabella said you needed to get help.”
“I’ve gotten help.”
“So you’re not addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or work, or… sex anymore?”
“No. I haven’t been addicted to anything since I left the city. I was living a life that wasn’t mine there. I was numb. Those things made me feel alive. They sustained me. They were a choice I could make for myself.”
“So you chose to do them? That doesn’t make you an addict, James. If you had control over your choices…”
“I couldn’t stop, Penny. Whenever I was able to pull myself out of one thing, I just moved on to the next.” His words hung in the air. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not addicted to you. I’m not going to move on. I need you in my life. I need you, Penny.”
He needs me. All of his words now seemed to have a double meaning. But didn’t I need him too? When he didn’t talk to me for weeks I was a complete mess. My world had become isolated and cold. And I had hated it. I hated my life without him.
“Penny, I’ve made so many mistakes. But I was young and stupid.”
“You’re still young.”
“Okay. But I’m not stupid anymore.” He gave me a forced smile.
“Addicts are like… it’s not something that goes away, is it?”
“No, it’s not.”
“So, how do you control it?” I felt stupid asking these questions. The age gap between us suddenly felt larger than before. He was an adult, with adult problems. All I was worried about was my next Stat test. And now him.
He lowered his eyebrows slightly. “My therapist helps me with that.”
“You have a therapist?”
“I do.” His eyes searched my face. “He doesn’t think I’m addicted to you either.”
“You talk about me?”
“Yes.”
“He knows that you’re dating a student?”
“Doctor patient confidentiality. He did advise me against it. I think he’s glad that I ignored his advice though.”
“Why?”
“I’m happier when we’re together. Everyone can see that.”
It was weird, standing in the rain so far apart. It made me feel so separate from him. I didn’t like that feeling. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Because I liked the way you looked at me. Like I was strong and in control. It made me feel like I could be those things for you. I thought everyone could see my demons when they looked in my eyes. You never did. You just saw me. I didn’t want that to change.”
“I don’t think any differently of you.” His words made me want to cry. I didn’t have much self confidence. I thought he was the opposite of me. But we were more alike than I thought. He was so broken. I didn’t want him to feel that way.
“You do. You’re looking at me right now like I’m weak.”
“I don’t think that you’re weak. You’re incredibly strong for overcoming something like that.”
He put his hands in his pockets. We were both completely drenched. He was staring at me. The distance between us was unbearable.
“I don’t want you to leave me,” he said slowly. “But if this is too much…”
“No. James.” I closed the distance between us. “I’ll never let you go.”
“I’m not addicted to you.”
“You keep saying that. And all I can think about is how rude it sounds.” I smiled at him.
“I don’t understand how you can keep choosing me. I’m…”
“Perfect. Everything that you’ve been through has made you who you are. And I love the man I see in front of me. I love you so much.”
It started raining harder. “I’m divorced.” He almost had to yell it over the rain.
“I know.”
“No more of this waiting nonsense?”
“No. My heart is yours.”
He was smiling down at me. “I’m divorced!” He picked me up and twirled me around.
I laughed as he set me back down on my feet. I rubbed my palm against the scruff on his cheek. “You’re all mine.”
“All yours, Miss Taylor.” He turned his head and kissed my palm.
Tuesday
“I think you might still be addicted to sex.” Our wet clothes were in a heap on the floor and our naked bodies were intertwined on his bed.
He laughed and kissed the top of my head. “Maybe it’s just because I like using it as a weapon with you?”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re right. You’re… frustrating. Sex is the only way I can seem to control you.”
“Control me?” I rolled onto my side and perched my head up on my hand. “Hmm. I could control you in bed.”
“No, you couldn’t. I’m stronger than you.”
“I could tie you down.”
“Good luck trying. It’ll end up being you tied to my bed. Which doesn’t sound bad at all.”
“Maybe later. James, did you really blackmail her?” I thought about the phone call I had overheard the other night. He was asking someone for photos and didn’t want there to by a cyber footprint.
He sighed and rolled over to face me. “That wasn’t much of a segue.” He stared at me for a minute. “It’s the last thing I could think of to do. I know it was stupid. I wanted to be with you. I didn’t want her to control my life anymore. You said you wanted to wait and I had no intention of waiting.”
“I like that you’re bad.”
He laughed. “You do?”
“I’ve spent my whole life being good. It’s fun being bad for a change.”
“What, do you think dating a bad boy automatically makes you a bad ass?”
I laughed. “Absolutely… Professor Hunter.”
“Touche.”
“I don’t care if people think this is wrong.”
He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “We should probably talk about that.”
“Isabella’s threat? You think she’ll really reveal our relationship?”
“I think it would be best if we go to the dean in the morning.”
“But…”