“I know.” He smiled at me. He grabbed my hand and together we walked toward the green. The area between the dorms was filled with a manicured lawn, walkways, and benches. He held my hand as we walked on one of the brick paths. It was chilly and there were only a few other people out. Our feet crunched on the fallen leaves. When we reached a bench that seemed particularly shadowed, he gestured for me to sit down. He looked down at me for a second and then sat down next to me.
“I need to know exactly what she said to you this morning.”
“She already knew about me.”
“I didn’t…”
“I know. She made it clear that you didn’t do much talking last time you saw her.” I shrugged.
He sighed. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. Really. I see the appeal.”
He frowned at me.
“Yeah, I’m joking. She’s horrible.”
He put his hand on my knee. “There was a new employee at the front desk. He’s been fired.”
“James, it wasn’t his fault.”
“Yes, it was.”
I wanted to argue with him. He couldn’t go around getting people fired for no reason. The man at the front desk had probably asked Isabella for her I. D. Her last name was still Hunter. But I had to choose my battles with him. And tonight I only wanted to talk about what he was keeping from me.
“She said you only want things you can’t have. That’s why you like me. Because I’m a student.”
“But I do have you.”
“She made it seem like you’ll get bored with me and move onto something else.”
“I’m not going to do that, Penny.”
“I know. You wanted to know what she said.” I grabbed his hand. “She said that you’re addicted to me.”
“I am.”
“She made it seem like that wasn’t a good thing.”
He squeezed my hand but didn’t say anything.
“And she said you were withholding information from me. That’s it. We didn’t talk for that long.”
He nodded. “Saying I’m addicted to you is a bad choice of words. I love you. I love spending time with you. I love being with you. I missed you today.”
“I missed you too.” He didn’t want to talk about what I had brought up yet. So maybe I’d bring up something else. “What is your type?”
“What?”
“She said that I’m not even your type.”
“I don’t have a type.”
“Are you sure it’s not tall brunettes?” I smiled at him.
“No.” He laughed uneasily. “She’s definitely not my type.”
“So you like redheads?”
“You’re the only redhead I’ve ever been with. I don’t have a type. You’re it. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Just you.”
I didn’t care what type of girl he usually dated. None of that mattered. “Don’t you trust me? Whatever it is you need to tell me you can.”
“I do trust you.” He looked up into the sky.
A raindrop hit my forehead. I looked up too. The drops fell faster until it was full on raining.
He abruptly stood up. “Let’s get back to the car,” he said.
Not when I was this close. “James, tell me.”
“You’re going to get a cold.”
“James, tell me!”
“I’ve already told you. More or less.” He put his hand through his hair. He looked completely distraught. “I thought you understood.”
“Understood what?” I felt so dense. “What am I not the answer to?” I stood up. “What did she mean when she said to stop running? What are you running from? Don’t push me away again. Don’t do what she said you would.”
“I was trying to protect you. I told you that.”
“But what are you trying to protect me from? Why do you think I shouldn’t be with you? It can’t possibly be that bad. Just tell me what it is.”
“Damn it, Penny.” He pulled me against his chest and kissed me. It was angry and hard and hot. His hands slid to the small of my back. He pushed my shirt up slightly so that his palm was against my skin.
“Stop.” I pushed on his chest. He was so manipulative. “Stop using sex as a weapon.”
“I don’t…” He looked at my face and released me from his grip. He took a step back from me. “I didn’t realize I was doing that.”
What I had said seemed to hurt his feelings. But I couldn’t dwell on it right now. That wasn’t what I wanted to talk about. “Tell me what you’re hiding. You told me no more secrets. Don’t you want us to work? Tell me!”
“I have told you! I told you that I was drunk all of college. I told you that I’ve had sex with dozens of women. I told you I threw myself into my career in order to avoid my life. Everything I did was so that I didn’t have to face reality. Whatever horrible thing you can think of, I’ve probably done it. I told you I wasn’t a good man. I told you that.”
I swallowed hard. The rain against my face felt soothing. I wasn’t sure what to say. I did know all that. That couldn’t be what he was hiding.
“I’m an addict, Penny.” He looked so young and so vulnerable.
What? He didn’t drink that much. He didn’t seem like an addict to me at all. He usually seemed calm and collected and completely in control. And then Isabella’s words came back to me. I didn’t see it because he wasn’t addicted to drugs or booze right now. He was addicted to me. I’m his drug?
“Penny? Say something.”
“All this talk about forever…”
“I mean it.”
“But what happens when you get bored with me? Will you go off chasing your next high?”
“No.” He lowered his eyebrows. “I’m not addicted to you. It’s different with you, it’s not the same.”
“How do you know?”
“I was trying to avoid my life. I was miserable. Every day I felt like I was suffocating. I needed an escape. But I’m happy now.”
“Because of me? Or because of teaching? Or what?”
“It was my decision to come here.”
“Because you walked in on Isabella…”