Enjoy your day, sweetie. I can’t believe our little Penny is 20! Call us when you get a chance. We love you!
-Mom & Dad
My heart fell. What is wrong with me? “It’s from my parents.”
“Oh.” Melissa had been hoping for the same thing as me.
I looked through the package. It was all my favorite snack foods. Cheez-Its, white cheddar popcorn, gummy bears, Starbursts, Pringles, and a bunch of other delicious cheesy or sweet treats. And there was a check with a note saying I had to spend it on myself. I had a habit of always putting any money I got in the bank. But if they specifically said I needed to spend it, it was usually enough of a guilt trip to make me. I smiled up at Melissa.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“I don’t know how to accept that it’s over.” I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t want to think about this on my birthday.
Melissa jumped off my bed. “Let’s go out.”
“I don’t want to.” I wiped my eyes.
“Penny. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”
“Don’t be gross.”
“Come on. Get dressed.”
“It’s my birthday, I want to stay in. Besides, we’re having a party tomorrow.”
“Yeah. Which doesn’t mean tonight has to be lame.” Melissa pulled out an outfit from her closet and tossed it at me.
“Melissa…”
“You need to stop moping around. It’s James’ loss.”
It didn’t feel that way. I felt like I was the one losing everything. I looked down at my phone. I had been checking it constantly all day, waiting for a text from Professor Hunter. Just a simple birthday wish. That’s all I wanted. But my screen was blank. I slid off the bed and started to get dressed. Maybe Melissa was right.
***
I sat in the bathroom stall and pulled out my phone. I could hear the music from the bar. Please. Please have texted me. It was past midnight. My birthday was over. I slid my finger across the screen on my phone. Nothing. Professor Hunter hadn’t even sent me a generic happy birthday text. The whole day I had been waiting. I couldn’t enjoy myself. I had been in so much pain for weeks. And he didn’t care. That’s what it came down to. He no longer cared about me.
I quickly typed out a message to him. “I had a great birthday. Thanks for remembering, Professor Hunter. I assume you had something super fancy and prestigious to do tonight. Sorry I wasted so much of your precious time. I hope you have a great life.” I pressed send before I could change my mind. He was such an asshole. I had made one mistake. And it was only because I knew he’d freak out. Which he did. It really is over.
I found myself wishing that I had never met him. That I had never gotten tied up in this awful, painful relationship, or lack thereof. I had been so consumed in him that I had completely lost myself. I was addicted to the way he had made me feel. But I wasn’t addicted to feeling invisible. If he didn’t want me, then why was I waiting for him? I put my phone back into my jacket pocket and put my face in my hands. I had never had a boyfriend to spend my birthday with. After a week had passed without hearing from Professor Hunter, a small part of me thought he’d surprise me on my birthday. He’d show up and kiss me and sweep my off my feet. What kind of fairytale was I living in? I thought about when I had told him I felt like a Disney princess. I lifted my face out of my hands. Professor Hunter wasn’t my prince. I needed him tonight. I needed him and he hadn’t shown up. I stood up and left the stall. I washed my hands without looking in the mirror.
I went back into the bar and glanced around for Melissa. I reached her on the dance floor. “Come on, let’s go,” I said to her.
“Boo!”
I couldn’t help but laugh. I grabbed her arm and we began to walk out of the bar and back onto Main Street.
“I can’t believe you didn’t talk to anyone,” Melissa said.
“The last thing I need is another guy in my life.”
“Yeah… I don’t think you know how to get over someone at all.”
“I just want to be single for awhile.” Single. I swallowed hard.
Melissa rolled her eyes at me. Melissa suddenly stopped walking, almost causing me to fall over. “Shit, is that him?” Melissa asked.
I followed Melissa’s gaze. There was a man sitting on a bench up ahead. His elbows were on his knees and his hands were in his hair. He was staring at the ground. He was wearing shorts, a hoodie, and sneakers. It looked like he had just been on a run. It was undoubtedly Professor Hunter.
“Holy crap.” I pushed Melissa into a side street between two buildings and ducked in behind her.
“Is it him?” she asked.
“Yes.” I peered out from behind the wall. He looked distraught. I thought about the text I had sent him a few minutes ago. Is that why he’s upset? He wasn’t looking at his cell phone. He was just staring at the ground.
“So why are we hiding? Go talk to him. Obviously you want to.”
“I can’t.” Professor Hunter always looked so poised in class. Was he actually falling apart too? Did he miss me as much as I missed him? I wanted to run over to him and kiss him. I didn’t want him to be in pain. But it wasn’t necessarily me that was causing him pain. The thought was numbing. “I can’t,” I repeated.
I watched as he pulled an envelope out of his pocket. He put his hands in the middle of it and was about to rip in half but stopped. He tossed it on the bench beside him, put his elbows back on his knees, and his face in his hands.
I stopped looking and leaned against the brick wall. Whatever was in that envelope was why he was upset. He wasn’t missing me. “Melissa.” It was so hard to swallow reality. “Please, I can’t.”
“Okay, this way,” Melissa said and grabbed my hand.
I looked at Professor Hunter one more time before following Melissa down the alley. Seeing him like that made it feel like he had only just left me. The wound was still fresh. And I was beginning to think it would never heal.
But for the first time since he had left me in his apartment, I felt a glimmer of hope. There was no basis for it. He was clearly upset about the contents of the envelope. But I hadn’t been eating. And I hadn’t been sleeping. All I wanted to see was that he was upset too. Maybe he wanted me back as much as I wanted him.