“Look, it’s not a big deal, okay? Everyone thinks that… um, to show that we’re totally behind you, and that you’re going to bring it for the rest of the shows, maybe you should do some publicity.”
“Fine. I’ll do it. Tell me when and where.” I have to fix this. I can’t let anything negative happen to the band because of me. Not because of me.
“No. NO!” he yells, startling me.
“Marius!”
He slams his hand against the wall before turning back to me. “NO! I am not going to have them parade you around, like you have something to prove. No!”
“Marius. It makes sense. I can do it, I don’t mind. I want to.”
“I already told them no, Anca. You’ve been through enough. I’m not going to put any more pressure on you to perform.”
“Don’t you think I should have a say in this?”
“No.”
“Marius.” I say, and I hope he can hear the warning in my voice. “Marius, you don’t get to decide this. I do.”
“Like hell. This is my band. And you’re MY…” He stops.
“Your what?”
“I… you’re just mine.”
Now it’s my turn to get angry. I get up and walk over to him, facing off. “Firstly, I’m not yours. I’m with you and I want to be with you, but I don’t belong to anyone. Not Jez, not the Maestro and not you. When are you both going to let me make my own decisions! This isn’t any different to what happened to me before, Marius! Can’t you see that?” I tear the newspaper from his hand and wave it in his face. “What kind of person do you think I am, that I wouldn’t want to fix what I caused? Do you have that little respect for me?”
“Anca, I’m just trying to protect you.”
“And I appreciate that. But Marius, it goes both ways. I caused this, I get to decide if I want to help or not. And I do.”
“I said NO!”
“Okay, I’m not kidding anymore, Marius. You need to stop treating me like a child.”
“Anca! Do you have any idea how scared I was last night? When we came back here and you were gone? And then seeing you out there with the Maestro? I would’ve given my life to make sure you were safe. And then, to hear that he was feeding your head with all those lies again, about how amazing you are. Do you know how much it KILLED me to think that you could even believe them for a second? Now you want me to tell you to go groveling to the world just because you had a bad moment on stage? NO!”
“Marius.” I place my hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat. I love him so much in this moment for sticking up for me. For trying to protect me. “I know, I know you feel all those things, but you also have to let me make my own decisions. You know how you want the best for me? That’s how I feel about you. Your band it’s your life. And I have affected that. And if all it takes is for me to go out there, answer some questions and play a few songs? It’s the least I can do.”
He places his hand over mine and squeezes it gently. Dropping a soft kiss on my fingertips.
“Anca. I said no.”
And my heart breaks.
“Are you done?” I ask, already knowing the answer, and dreading what’s coming next.
He nods, his eyes on mine.
“Then, Marius, I’m sorry, so are we.”
I pull my hands from him and without turning back, walk out the door.
Marius
She’ll be back.
She’ll think about what I’ve said and she’ll know I’m right, and that I’m just doing it to protect her.
She’ll be back.
She’ll know it’s all because I love her. Because I do.
I’ve never said it. But she knows.
She knows, right?
She’ll be back.
She’ll come back and I’ll tell her then.
Anca
The car stops by the curb and we sit for a moment, not talking, not looking at each other.
After a few minutes, a car horn pulls us out of the silence.
“You sure about this?” Jez asks, still not looking at me.
“No.” I have to admit.
“Then don’t. Stay. We’ll work it all out.”
“I’m more sure that that’s not the right thing to do.”
He just nods and squeezes his hands tighter around the steering wheel.
“I’m sorry, about everything,” I say, and trying to blink the tears away.
“Shush. There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
“I… ruined everything. You were right to keep me away.”
“Silly Anca. Did you have a good time? While you were with us?”
“I had the time of my life.”
“Then stay.” He says again.
“I can’t. I think we all need some time. Thank you for everything. For saving my life… again. I love you so much, big brother.”
“I love you too, baby sis. Let me know how you are, okay?”
“I will.” I push the car door open, and then stop, pulling an envelope from my pocket and hand it to Jez. “Will you…?”
He looks at it for a moment and then sighs, taking it from my hand. “Don’t do it this way. Talk to him. I mean, I know he’s been an ass, to both of us. But… he doesn’t deserve this.”
“He deserves kindness. This is what this is.”
I lean over and press a kiss to Jez’s cheek.
“Go out there and kill it, big bro. I’ll be watching.”
“Creepy.”
I give him a weak laugh.
“Go, get outta here. Your life’s waiting.” He says. And it makes it even harder to leave.
I close the door behind me, and run into the airport, before I forget that I’m a big girl now, and need to grow up.
Even if the only thing I want is my big brother’s arms around me, telling me everything is going to be okay.
***
Dear Marius,
Do you remember the day we first met?
Not in the bar, but at Guildhall. You were 18, I was 13. The four of you were running around the yard like a bunch of hyper gorillas, bellowing and grunting. Then the school bell rang and we all had to assemble in the yard. For a concert. A performance by you guys, one of your last. But the first I’d ever seen.
I couldn’t believe that the same loons tearing up the soccer field were now creating this exquisite sound. You had everyone raptured.
After you’d finished, I’d come up to Jez to tell him how good it was, you came running up behind him, jumping up on his back, and you’d looked at me and said, “Whoa, your eyes are a wicked color. Are you a witch?”
Did I ever tell you that story since we’ve been together? That even then you’d accused me of my wiccan tendencies.
It’s not surprising, eight years on, I still think that you are capable of magic as well.
Not just on the stage, but in my life.
I don’t have to tell you again, that without you, I don’t know where I’d be, who I am.
You gave me that, by giving me a sense of being again.
And part of that, my sweet Marius, is letting me discover where I want to go and who I want to be, from here. And I need to do that, away from you. Because I could lose myself in you and your protection for a long time. But then who would I be when it came time to finally emerge from that cocoon.
So, let me go, please.
Give me, give us, all of us, the time to heal. We’ve been through a lot. Broken friendship, betrayals and even a kidnapping! We need time.
You need time to heal with Jez, as do I.
And we need time to think about what we are to each other. And how we can best complement each other, and not destroy.
You have my heart, Marius.
Keep it safe for me.
Your Anca.