Stepping out from the restaurant, streetlights cast warm circles on the sidewalk, and the hum of the city gave very gentle background noise. Robin strolled with me, hands plunged deep into pockets. Easy shoulders that smile danced again upon his lips as he turned to me.
“See? It wasn’t so bad, was it?”
I shook my head; a smile, a real smile, tugged at my lips. “No, it wasn’t. Thank you, Robin. I needed this.”
“I think you did. And I’m glad you let me drag out. Seriously, I was starting to think maybe I’d lost my touch.”
“Never,” I answered as I lightly elbowed him with my shoulder. “You’re still the champion of dragging me out of my shell.
He chuckled, all warm and familiar. Light and easy conversation continued, making up for the gaps: work, mutual friends, and the future.
And though my ears ached for whatever Robin said, my mind drifted back to Brandon again and I hated myself for letting him affect me like this.
“Nat,” and however I turned it, Robin had been speaking to me the whole time.
“Sorry,” I quickly said, raking a hand through my hair to get it over with. “What did you say?
Robin looked at me and stopped. His face had gone serious. His eyes were fiery and staring down at me. “I was asking if you there was okay?”
That kind of took me to someplace I did not know how to react. Was I all right? I wasn’t quite sure but did not manage to shake the blur of what confused and hurtful or lightened rather, the whirling questions in my head.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, my voice a whisper.
Robin’s features softened, and slowly he stepped towards me. His hands were on my shoulders gently. “You don’t have to be okay right now, Nat. It’s okay to feel whatever you feel.”
I looked down, not quite meeting his eyes. “It’s just… I don’t get why it bothers me so much. I shouldn’t care but I do.”
“Care about what?” Robin asked softly, though his voice probed.
Choked on them, and hesitated, since I hadn’t really cared to bring it up but now, being there, with Robin, it was like that straw that was going to break the camel’s back.
“Brandon,” I finally said, the name sour on my lips. “I saw him…with someone else.” I felt Robin’s grip on my shoulders tighten a bit and my sense of him tense up. “What do you mean?
“I saw him kissing another woman,” I was explaining, and that image began to replay in my mind all over again. “And I don’t know why it’s affecting me so much. Our marriage isn’t real, it’s just a contract. But seeing him with her… it hurt.”
Robin’s face darkened as he ground his jaw. “He kissed someone else? And he is married to you?”
“Yes,” I whispered, my voice tearing with it as the realization spoke aloud and clawed up the pain in my chest.
“Nat…” Robin’s voice was laced with anger before he softened it, pulling me into a hug. “I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve that.”
I burrowed into his arms. His warmth did so much to soothe the raging tempest inside of me. “It shouldn’t matter. I knew what I was getting into. But it does, Robin. More than I want to admit.”
He drew me closer; strokes of his hand across my head soothed me. “Of course it does. You might have made a deal with him, though you can’t fight feelings. And you are only human, Nat. And to see a person dear to you with another. that would hurt anyone.”.
I closed my eyes as he reached deeply inside with those words. He was right, of course. I am only human, and much as one wishes to tell himself that this marriage is purely a business deal, the heart doesn’t quite see it that way.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said, breaking my voice.
It was snatched even as his eyes bore into mine by Robin. “There’s nothing you have to do now, okay? Take it one thing at a time. Plus, remember, I am always here for you.”
My head nodded in appreciation toward him. “Thanks, Robin. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me without you.”
“You never have to find out,” he said, with just the slightest, very wry smile. “Come on, let’s get you home.”
We walked again, the air about us dreamy with nostalgia. I could almost feel the anger he held back for my sake, simmering there just beneath the surface. He had always been so protective of me, and the fact that Brandon had done this to me hit a nerve with him.
Emotionally, I was a jumble as we approached my apartment building, full of feelings of relief and apprehension All I had felt was relief to be home, though being alone, once more with me and my thoughts and facing that thick, deathly silence-was the last thing I wanted to do.
Robin had almost felt his cue come from my mind as he half-turned back. A slight, gentle smile played on my lips as I nodded my head and he said, “Do you want me to come in with you?
He said that smartly, and I just nodded lightly, giving a smile. “No, it’s okay.”
I couldn’t care less if Brandon saw us together. He already lost the right to dictate who I could and couldn’t see.
He nodded, not very convinced, though. “All right, but if you need anything, and I mean anything, you call me. Got it?”
“Got it.” I used the back of my hand to wipe at my tearing eyes. Touched by his concern, I said, “Thanks, Robin, for everything.”
He leaned forward then, his lips pressing to my forehead. “Take care of yourself, Nat. I’ll check up on you tomorrow.”
I watched him leave, his outline slowly losing its definition into the darkness of the night. I stood, taking in a deep breath, wanting to straighten up again as everything that just happened was blowing up around me.
The weight of each step increased more than that of the last one. I wanted to avoid Brandon as much as I could I knew it was going to be impossible.
I took in a deep breath as I stepped into the living room to see Brandon walking back and forth. He stopped at the sound of my footsteps and turned to me.
Natalie,” he said, his voice low, controlled.
I raised an eyebrow, trying to seem nonchalant. “Brandon.”
“Where have you been?” The question dripped thick with accusation.
I crossed my arms over my chest, already defensive. “Out.”
“With Robin?” This time he didn’t even try to hide the irritation.
I shot one right back at him. Anger flared, met his. “Since when do you give a rat’s ass who I go out with? ”
“Ever since I heard from Mariah that you were out with him,” he said, standing up from the couch, “you know how I told you to stay away from him.”
If anything, my temper flared hotter, and I went on to open and shut my mouth in anger. “Why is that, Brandon? Because you think you can control who I see? Who I spend time with?”
He took a step towards me, his eyes on fire with frustration and something else, something near so much like jealousy, it was hard to tell which was which. “Because I don’t trust him, Natalie. I told you that.”
I winced a laugh, but it was bitter. “You don’t trust him? Oh, that’s rich, coming from the man who was just caught kissing another woman.”
Brandon’s face darkened, but by that time I didn’t care. Too angry to stop, too tired of all that had been happening between us.
“Do you know how degrading that was for me?” I ranted away, “How I walk in there and there you are with her? And here you stand with the gall to be questioning me about Robin?”
Brandon’s fists clenched at his sides. “I told you, it wasn’t what it looked like…”
“I don’t give a damn how it looked!” I turned him off, words rolling out over his in a rush, all emotion. “You kissed her. You disrespected our marriage. So don’t you dare try to tell me who I can or can’t see.”.
He started to speak to say something in his defense, but I didn’t let him have the chance. On my heel, I turned and went off toward the stairs, with my heart pounding in my chest.
“Natalie, wait-” he called from behind, but I was already halfway up the steps now.
I didn’t stop. I did not turn back. Because if I had, well, I knew that what I would say was something I could never take back. Worse yet, I might break down, and I refused to give him that satisfaction of showing him just how he had cut me deep.
I made it to the bedroom, closing the door behind me and leaning on it to still the tempest inside. These angry short gasps of breath and shaking hands under the force of the power driving those emotions. how had this all gotten so messed up? How had we gone from each other’s throats to this?
I paced the room again; my anger new and raw at the thought of what he accused me of. He had no right, no, absolutely right-in question that way. Not after what he’s done. It seemed, though, that a third of my brain-that part that hadn’t been working and had asked inane questions-had been resurrected, and presently the question was purely Robin that had enkindled this furious fascination on his part-uninvited. I shook that thought from my head away, though even before it had a chance to settle. But even this would not wake my concern. The thing was that he crossed something in me, and there was no way I was letting him get away with this.
I flopped back on the bed, supine, my eyes pasted to the ceiling, while a million thoughts hammered inside my brain. Why couldn’t that just get out of my head? I mean, all this really just seems to unravel so fast, doesn’t it? It was as if we had been bound to that sickening, cruel cycle of hurt and anger, in which one had no way out no matter what one did.
Worst of all, by then, I wasn’t so sure that I did.