That love wasn’t something he could give. That it was easier to be angry with his father and the brother he’d never really known. Easier to blame them than to think it was something in himself. Something that meant they could never love him. He would never know the answer to that now, though. They were gone. You have to let them go.
The pain fractured inside him, and for some reason all he could see was Anna in the bathroom the night of the gala. Anna standing tall and fierce. The light that filled her as she’d told him she loved him. The tears on her cheeks and the pain in her eyes as he’d told her he didn’t want it.
Let your parents go. Hold on to her instead. He froze, every part of him going quiet and still. She had given him everything. She had never turned him away. Never told him that she had nothing for him. She had opened her heart, had let him give her all his anger and his pain. Had given him hers, too, without hesitation… Nothing about her had caused him pain except her loss.
For God’s sake, why had he sent her away? Why had he been so afraid?
There was a roaring in his ears, the lie he’d told himself all his life giving way and revealing the truth. The same truth she’d given him in the bathroom weeks ago.
It wasn’t that he didn’t care. He did care. About everything. And most especially about her. He loved her. He’d loved her from the moment he’d seen her watching him at the lake. And he wanted the life they could have together, the family he could create with her. And he wanted it desperately. He stood there before the windows, his heartbeat thudding in his ears, fighting to breathe, knowing that he couldn’t go on. That he couldn’t keep clinging to the lie, continuing to pretend that he felt nothing, that his heart was dead inside him. Continue with this half-life, this bare existence, because that was what it was. That was all it was. Just existence. If he wanted more, he had to be brave like she was. Passionate like she was. He had to step out of the shadow of his fear, let go of the lie, and believe in something else.
He had to believe in her. She’d found something in him to love and he had to trust that. Trust her. Trust the love that was in his own heart too. He had to, otherwise what else was there? Only existing. And existing wasn’t living. His hands were shaking as he got out his phone, but he didn’t hesitate as he ordered his helicopter.
He had a trip to make.
___________
Anna had gone out blackberry-picking in the woods near Haerton. The last of the berries were still on the bushes and she had thoughts of making a pie. The morning sickness she’d experienced was starting to ease and she had a sudden and intense craving for the tart sweetness of apples and blackberries.
It was a beautiful day, still and hot, and the woods were silent and cool. She didn’t go too near Haerton these days-it hurt too much, made her see things that weren’t there, such as a tall man with black hair and eyes like a midnight sky. A man whose passion had taught her soul to sing. She hated those visions. Because they were never true and they only ended up causing her pain, and so she left the area alone completely.
Just as Cedric had left her alone. She hadn’t heard from him since… apart from his monthly alerts she got from her bank and she was furious about it. She refused to touch the money and insisted on using her other account. She was angry… For herself, and for the baby she carried. He might believe he had nothing to give her, but to continue to believe that when it came to his child made her furious. Everything about him made her furious.
In fact it was better not to think about him, because she only ended up miserable, and she wasn’t going to be miserable. She absolutely refused.
She was passing by the lake when she heard the sound of splashing, and instantly she was months in the past, watching a man swimming naked. Watching him rise from the water like Neptune from the waves, a water god made flesh and just for her.
Cedric… Her eyes filled with tears and she didn’t want to look, because she would only be disappointed. And the disappointment would be so bitter. But she couldn’t stop herself from moving over to the edge and taking a glimpse through the trees… And her heart caught hard in her chest as a man pulled himself out of the water.
A beautiful man. Her man.
She could barely see through the tears in her eyes, a sob catching in her throat. He was here and she didn’t know why. He was here, swimming in the lake, so close and yet so far. And how dared he? How dared he come to where he must know she walked? How dared he flaunt himself like this? And how dared she still feel this way when all he’d done was hurt her?
She turned away from the sight of him, walking quickly along the path, blind with tears, when a voice from behind her said, “Anna,”
Tears were streaming down her cheeks. That voice, that beautiful voice… “You have no right to say my name,” she said hoarsely, not sure why she wasn’t running, getting as far away from him as she could.
“I know.” Beneath the deep, lilting timbre was a note of desperation. Of pain… Or maybe that was what she wanted to hear. “I know. My Anna,”
She shook her head. “I’m nobody’s Anna,”
She didn’t hear his footsteps, but suddenly there were hands on her hips, holding her tight, pulling her back against a hot, hard male body, still damp from the water. “Yes, you are.” His mouth was by her ear, his breath hot on her skin. “You’re mine. I claimed you. You’re my Anna and you were mine the moment I laid eyes on you.”
The tears wouldn’t stop, pain and fury building in her heart, and she let them. Because this was who she was. A woman of deep passions. Passions he didn’t want, and so what did it matter if she held them back? What did it matter if she let them out? He hadn’t wanted her before, so why would he want her now?