He couldn’t do that to Anna. Not to his beautiful Anna. And not to his child, either.
“You can’t love me, because I have nothing to give you, Anna,” He tried to sound level. “I don’t love you.” Another woman would perhaps have collapsed in floods of tears, or run from the room. Or turned her back on him and pretended nothing was wrong. Women had all done that to him at various stages. But Anna did none of those things.
She stepped away from the vanity and strode up to him, the material of her gown shimmering in the light. The look on her face blazed with something fierce, and a deep part of him gloried in how magnificent she was in this moment, even as another part killed that feeling stone dead.
“I don’t think that’s true.” There was a fierce note in her voice, a certainty that somehow worked its way inside him, making him ache. “I think you’re lying.”
The ache met the emptiness at the heart of him and died. “Why would I lie?” He stared at her, let her catch a glimpse of the void. “I told you that this was only physical. You should have believed me.”
Her gaze searched his, pain glittering in her eyes. “It’s not me you’re lying to though, is it? It’s yourself.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I think you believe you don’t love me. I think you believe you don’t love what we have, and this baby we conceived. I think you’re telling yourself that you feel nothing, when in fact it’s the opposite. You feel everything.” Her hand lifted and cupped his cheek and he almost flinched. “I love you and I want to give you that love. And so will our child. We could-”
He’d taken her wrist in his before he could think straight, pulling her hand away, her touch burning like embers against his cold skin. “Don’t,” he ground out as an inexplicable pain flickered through him. “Don’t touch me.”
She didn’t move, her gaze blazing into his. Demanding. Challenging. “Talk to me. Tell me why you don’t want this, Cedric. Tell me why you don’t want me when I know you do. When I can see it every time you touch me, every time you’re inside me. You look at me like you want something from me and I think I know what it is now. I think you want love.” She flung out her hands. “Well, here it is. Take it. Or perhaps I’ll just give it to you instead. I’ll give it all to you.”
Of course she would. She would give until there was nothing left of her, until her beautiful heart gave out. She didn’t know the truth about love, that you could only give so much. And if she gave it all to him, there would be nothing left for their child. He couldn’t have that.
Cedric let her wrist go and stepped back, taking himself away from the heat of her. Because a void swallowed heat. It crushed it, suffocated it. And he couldn’t do that, either. “You’ve already given me everything I could possibly want,” he said carefully, wanting to keep the hurt to a minimum. “It’s not your fault, Anna. It’s not your fault I can’t give it back.”
She went suddenly still, tears starting in her eyes, as if she knew already what he was about to do. She was perceptive, his Anna. “No,” she whispered. “Please, don’t.”
But he said it anyway. “You can live at Haerton. When our child is born, and if it’s a boy, I’ll sign it over to you. If it’s a girl, I’ll buy another manor for you, one with lots of woods for you to ramble in.”
It was the least he could do. Strange how his inheritance now seemed…unimportant, his anger at his father and his brother gone. Perhaps it meant that he’d finally managed to do what she’d tried to help him with weeks ago. Perhaps it meant that he’d finally let go.
“You will receive a generous sum of money every month for you and the child.”
“Cedric, please-”
“The divorce will be quick and painless, I promise. The woods should have always been yours.”
Tears ran down her face, fury blazing in her eyes. “So you’re leaving me? Is that what you’re doing? What did I do? Was it me loving you? Was that the difference? Is it my love that you can’t handle?”
He couldn’t bear the cruelty of a lie, not to her, not about that. “No. Your love is precious and you should save it for someone who needs it. And our child will need it.”
“And you don’t?”
“No. Of course I don’t.”
“But…that’s not true.” Her face was flushed, tears staining her cheeks. “You do need it. You want it so badly, Cedric. So why won’t you take it?”
That at least had an easy answer. “Because I can’t give it back, Anna,” he said expressionlessly. “I told you already. I don’t love you. I don’t love anyone. All the love I had I gave away, and now there’s nothing left. Nothing for you or for our child, and I can’t have that. I can’t have you giving your heart away to another man who won’t give you anything back. You deserve more than that, Anna. So much more.”
Fury flickered in her eyes. “Oh, that’s rubbish. Love doesn’t work that way. You wouldn’t have spent all this time and energy on marrying me and getting Haerton if you really had nothing left, because you wouldn’t have cared. You would have sold the house and moved on. But you didn’t, did you?”
She’s right. He ignored the thought. “You don’t understand.”
But she hadn’t finished. “Oh, I understand. I understand that you love me, Cedric. You want me and you want our child, and you want us desperately. But you’re afraid, and that’s the real problem, isn’t it? You’re too afraid to take what you want and are telling yourself a whole pack of lies instead!”
That pierced the emptiness inside him, letting a hot thread of emotion in, and he’d gripped her, taken her by her upper arms before he knew what he was doing.
“You’re wrong,” he said roughly. “I gave everything I had, everything I was to my parents, and it still wasn’t enough for them. They sucked me dry, Anna . And I have nothing left. Don’t you think I would love you for ever if I had a choice?”