Elena
Sometimes I felt like I had no right to grief over losing my child. I didn’t even know about its existence, to begin with. It was this raging war in my mind where I’d ask myself if I was allowed to mourn over a baby I didn’t know.
Is that what I was even grieving ? The loss of our baby, or was I grieving over the pain and suffering I went through the entire time I was taken ? I’ve been back home for weeks and around people who care about me.
Yet, despite their safety and reassurance, I didn’t feel normal. I felt out of place. I felt broken, like there were too many pieces out of place and shattered for me ever to be whole again. I felt like I’d never be the same person ever again. Sometimes it felt wrong to cry, to clutch my stomach, and sob.
Other times, I told myself it was justified, that I had gone through hell, that I deserved an outlet. It was chaotic. My mind wasn’t at peace. I wasn’t at peace with myself. The bruises had faded over time, but the pain and internal wounds would always be with me.
I’d forever carry them inside my heart, soul, body, and mind. Despite the bruises fading, the bruises surrounding my mental and emotional health were still there, and the pain was a constant reminder of what happened to me, what I went through, and what I lost.
At night, I could still hear Enzo’s voice, feel someone kicking my stomach, and wake up screaming. Oisin stayed with me, holding and comforting me as much as he could, but I wasn’t comfortable. It was like I was at war with myself.
I never wanted a baby, yet I had never been happier when Enzo told me I was pregnant. All I could do was imagine a little boy with his father’s entrapping eyes and my curly black hair. Or a little girl with her father’s smile and my love for cooking.
It was thoughts like this that genuinely annihilated me. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing ; I’d break down then and there. During dinner, in my shower, and even on the toilet, it had gotten to the point where I wouldn’t even know I was crying.
Fiona and my nonna, along with Aofie, tried their hardest to rub my back, be there for me, and give me comforting words and hugs, but it felt suffocating sometimes. It was like I couldn’t even cry without someone reaching out to touch me.
It wasn’t a bad thing. I know. But it felt like the worst possible thing they could do. I know they weren’t trying to stifle me, but I couldn’t rationalize my anger and sadness. They combined somehow, and it had become this nasty fused emotion where I lashed out immediately and then cried all night about it.
First, I felt guilty for crying over our lost baby, and then I would feel even more guilty for not trying to connect or mourn with Oisin. He doesn’t say anything, but I know he was hurting just the same. I know he’s been wanting kids, and knowing that the first one we made together was taken away from us, filled us both with rage and sorrow.
Elena.
I moved my eyes away from the wall and turned my head. Yeah, nonna.
Then, I felt the wetness on my cheeks and wiped them furiously. She didn’t speak or attempt to hand me a tissue. Instead, she grabbed my hand and aided me off the couch. I kept her hand close as she walked us out to the pool area.
I saw Fiona, Liam, and my husband standing in the distance where the flowerbeds were. I was confused but didn’t ask what was happening until we reached them. They parted, and that’s when I saw it-a headstone with beautiful flowers surrounding it. It wasn’t until I read the name that I fell to my knees to hug it.
‘Baby Morelli Callahan.’
‘You were too good for this world. Sleep soundly with the angels, for you are one. We love you.’
I clung to it and cried so hard it hurt my throat, but I didn’t care. I would mourn for him because I could. I would mourn for this baby because I loved him. My body hiccuped with uncontrollable sobs ; my only thought was that I wanted to stay here.
I wanted to bury myself next to his headstone because I didn’t want to be alive. Sometimes at night, I truly wished I had died with him because it was pure torture to live with this pain. I held it as if I was holding him as if he was real, and the thought had my already cracked heart cracking all over again.
Then, as if Oisin could hear it, he got to his knees next to me and patted my back.
I’m so sorry, I whispered. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you. I rambled on over and over again. It was all I had. Guilt. It was eating me alive. I wish I died with you. I cried, and that’s when he pulled me into his arms.
He crushed me to his chest, but my arms stayed limp at my side.
Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. He choked out. He’s in heaven right now. He’s our angel child, mo ghra amhain. I know your heart is longing for him. I know it hurts to breathe, to think, to live, to fucking do anything… He pulled away and cradled my face in his hands. I wish I could take it away for you. I would in a heartbeat, but I can’t. He closed his eyes briefly, and I could see him tearing up.
I’m so sorry it happened to you. I’m sorry you went through it alone, but you’re not alone. Not anymore. You’re here. You’re with me. And you’re safe. I love you. I love you so much, and I will be with you every step of the way. Do you get that ?
Yes, I whispered. I love you more.
Not fucking possible. He whispered back.
**
The weeks that followed were calm. My nonna and Fiona were always in the kitchen cooking together or sharing a cup of tea outside. Aofie was in her routine with her classes and horseback riding lessons. Oisin refused to leave the house-to leave me alone- so he was doing all his work from his study.
Liam wasn’t over as much, and I knew it was because he was guarding the Morelli house. We hadn’t spoken of my family or what he was planning on doing, and if I was being honest, I think I was scared too. I spent some time writing in my notebook, whether it was how I felt or if it was something as minor as what I ate.
It had a calming effect on me and my mental health. Though some days were dark and other days were darker, I tried and fought hard to find the light somewhere. Whether it was in writing, reading, coloring with Aofie, baking with my nonna, or cuddling with my husband, the most important thing was that I was trying.
The door opened, and I looked up from my notebook to see Oisin walking in. He smiled lovingly as he walked over and sat on the bed beside me. He kissed my forehead affectionately.
Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling, mo ghra amhai ?
I’m okay. I didn’t have a good morning, but you made me feel better when you snuggled on the bed with me.
Did you eat anything since this morning, baby ?
No. I’ve been up here since after breakfast.
He let out a soft sigh but didn’t look mad as he reached for my hand. I don’t want to come off as controlling, but baby, you need to eat. You need energy. Maybe you and I go out for a late lunch together ? Anywhere you want.
Fear burrowed deep inside me from his words, and I froze up. I hadn’t left since Oisin rescued me, and I was terrified of ever leaving the house again.
I shook my head. I…I don’t want to leave the house.
He nodded in understanding. Okay, that’s fine. I won’t force you to. I can send someone to buy you food. What’re you in the mood for ?
Will you eat with me ?
Yes, I will.
I want spring rolls, you know, with that sweet and sour sauce ? He pulled out his phone. And shrimp noodles, orange chicken, and rice. Is that too much ?
He rolled his eyes. No, it’s not. How about I grab you the food you want, and you find us a movie to watch ? Does that sound okay ?
I shook my head. I don’t want you to go.
You want me close to you ? He murmured.
Yes. It came out shaky.
I’ll send someone right now.
He dialed a number and spoke to them rapidly in Irish, and once he was finished, he set his phone down.
Pick out a movie. I’m just going to take a shower. He got up, kissed my forehead once more, and then left to shower.
As sweet and gentle as Oisin has been these past few weeks, he hasn’t tried to touch me or initiate anything with me. I didn’t know if he was scared to do anything or demand anything from me. I don’t know if I was scared to have sex because the act wasn’t scary.
I knew Oisin would never hurt me, and I trusted this man with my life. It was the aftermath that I think I was doubting. Did I want to try and have another baby ? Did I want him to use a condom ? Would he even use a condom, or would he want to try again immediately ?