Chapter 193:
Mixed Feelings
Lila’s POV
The scratching of paintbrush and pencil against paper in the art studio-the comforting music to my making. But today, with the presence of all those noises, my head was someplace else. I took in the room environment, where Megan sat in deep contemplation over her latest piece of work. She and Max were like glue for the last couple of days, and it would be prominent to the eyes of anyone intent on prying.
This should have made me happy, seeing my best friend so content. Rather, a turmoil of feelings whirled inside me; feelings that I could not somehow make any sense out of. One last deep breath to do more work on my own and this gnawing feeling just would not leave me.
“Lila, you okay?” a voice cut into my thoughts. When I looked up, I discovered Jake, one of the other artists working in the studio, studying me intently.
I made myself smile. “Yeah, just lost in thought. What’s up?”
He shrugged and sat down next to me. “You’ve just seemed a bit off lately. Everything all right?”
I forced myself to sound casual. “Yeah, just a lot on my mind. You know how it is.”
Jake nodded but never took his eyes off of mine. “Is this about Megan and Max?”
I blinked and took one aback. “What in the heck are you talking about?”
He looked over at them and then threw his head back, sighing. “It’s pretty freaking obvious they are into each other. And I know how you look at them. It’s okay to feel…confused.”
I swallowed hard and bared it all. “I don’t know, Jake. It’s confusing.
“You can talk to me, Lila. Sometimes it helps to get things out,” he said softly.
I hesitated, then nodded. “It’s just … Megan’s my best friend. I should be happy for her. And I am. But.”
“But you have feelings for Max,” he finished for me, his voice understanding.
Before I could catch it, out escaped a tear. “Yeah. I didn’t realize how much so until recently, and now seeing them together. it hurts.”
Some part of me felt less alone as Jake reached over, giving my hand a firm squeeze. “One of the hardest things to deal with is unrequited love. You don’t have to go through it alone.”
“Thanks, Jake,” I said softly as I smiled at him thankfully.
There was a slight pause before he told me, then my confession settled between us. A moment later, Jake got up and gave me an assuring smile, turning back to his work. I breathed and felt a little bit lighter; maybe talking about it helped.
Evening then came, and Megan and I left the bar together. The streets were quiet, with cool, refreshing air. I looked over at her, feeling like now might be the moment to say something.
“Megan, may I ask a question?” It was almost as if my voice was unsure of itself.
“Of course, Lila. What’s up?” she asked, and looked at me with concern.
I sighed, then just decided to go for it. “How do you know if you’re in love?”
She smiled, and her eyes grew soft. “It’s different for everybody, I suppose, but with me, it’s that feeling of warmth and security; like, no matter what happens, everything is going to be all right if that person’s with you.”
I nodded, choking down my thoughts. “That does… sound nice.”
“It is,” she replied, the smile on her face stretching wider. “Why do you ask?”
I chewed on my lip for a minute, trying to get out the words. “I think. I might be in love, too. But it’s complicated.”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “Really? Who is it?”
I took a deep breath to tell the truth. “It’s Max.”
Shock reflected in her features. “Max? But, Lila, I didn’t know.”
“I know. I didn’t, until recently, either,” I confessed. “And now, seeing you two together. it’s hard.”
Megan reached out, her hand on my arm. “Lila, I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I hastily said. “You can’t control who you fall in love with. And you two are great together. I just. needed to tell you.”
She hugged me tight, and I felt my relief mixing with my sadness. “Thanks for telling me, Lila. I wish things were different.”
“Me too,” I whispered, and the two of us hugged.
For most of the rest of the walk, we were quiet in our own thoughts. As we got into the building, Megan turned to me with a concerned look on her face.
“Lila, if it’s too hard for you, then I can talk to Max. We’re going to figure something out.”
I shook my head. “No, don’t do that. I’ll be okay. I just needed to get it off my chest.”
She nodded, though I could still feel concern there in her eyes. “I am here for you, Lila. Always.”
“I know,” I said, smiling a little. “I’m here for you, too.”
We said our goodbyes and proceeded on our ways to our respective apartments. As soon as I had closed the door behind me, I leaned against it and breathed deeply. That twisted feeling inside me still feels there, but by sharing it, it became a little bearable.
The days blurred one into the other in a welter of work and suppressed emotions. I buried myself in my art. Perhaps in strokes of my brush, some solace could be found, yet the studio seemed actually a minefield: every glance at Megan and Max brought the taboo crashing back in on me once more.
It happened one afternoon, while I was working on a rather tricky piece, that Max came up behind me. My heart was racing at the thought of his presence right behind me, yet I stiffened myself to compose my nerves.
“Hey, Lila, got a minute?” he asked casually.
“Sure, what’s up?” I replied, setting down my brush.
He hesitated and it showed in his words. “I’ve just sort of noticed that you have been a bit distant lately. Is everything OK?
I sighed, wondering just how much I could reveal. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind, Max. It’s nothing you need to worry about.”
He frowned at me clearly not happy with that answer. “If it’s bothering you, then I want to know. We’re friends, right?”
He was sincere, which only made it guiltier of me. “Yeah, we’re friends. And I appreciate your concern, but some things are just… complicated.”
He looked like he wanted to press further but nodded. “Okay. Just know that I’m here if you need to talk.” “Thanks, Max,” I said, managing a small smile.
He turned around to leave, and within me raged a warring army of regret and relief. I felt regret-regret for not having told the truth-yet strangely relieved as well, grateful that I had not put the burden of my feelings on him.
The week had passed, and the air was alive. We will celebrate a bit because we were done with our mural. It was going to be very festive, but something in me couldn’t do away with the pessimism.
The music pounded through the speakers as everyone laughed. I stood off to the side as Megan and Max played the rest of our friends. They seemed happy, in sync. Bittersweet.
Jake found me, offering a drink. “You doing okay?”
I took the drink, giving myself a small distraction. “Trying to. It’s just. hard.
“I understand,” he said sympathetically. “But you know what, Lila? You’re stronger than you think. You’re going to get through this.”
“Thanks, Jake,” I said, feeling slightly better.
Well, when the night actually started to count, I found myself talking again to Megan. Every movement she made, she glowed, and that happiness of her spilled forth in abundance.
“Enjoying this?” she asked, her eyes beaming.
“Yeah, certainly looks that way,” I responded, making an effort to sound as enthusiastic as her.
She fixed her gaze intently on mine. “Lila, listen, I’ve been thinking. We need to speak with Max. I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep hiding your feelings.”
I shook my head. “No, Megan. This is something I have to do on my own. I don’t want to put any drama into your relationship with him.”
She hugged me, and it was balm, her warmth, to my soul. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I know,” I said back, hugging her too. “And I will be. It’ll just take some time.”
We just stood there within each other’s arms, in mute pledge to each other for support and understanding. I was still feeling jumbled feelings inside me, but leastwise now I no longer felt alone.
People were laughing and music was very loud, living it up, so to speak. And somehow, at that very moment, everything was at peace with me. It wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t easy. Nevertheless, I knew I could make it through in time. And with Megan by my side, well, what couldn’t I do, right?
“Here’s to new beginnings,” I whispered, raising my glass in toast.
“To new beginnings,” Megan repeated again. Her smile lit the room.