Out Of Love

MALIA’S POV
“Ryder,” I breathed out, clearly nervous at how angry he looked.
He folded his arms over his chest. His expression remained angry. “First of all, tell me why my wife has been away from this palace without her bodyguard, might I add, for hours?”
I coughed and nervously cleared my throat. “It wasn’t the bodyguard’s fault and I desperately needed some air that was why I went for a run. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t realise how late it was.”
He scoffed. “You’re forgetting to add that you went with Penelope and you two came back together, but your friend has been upstairs in her chambers for quite a while, but you, my dear, seem to have some trouble in returning to her chambers.”
“Is it that you suddenly developed some sort of selective amnesia that made you forget the way to your chambers or is it that there’s something interesting keeping you down here?”
“Please, I’d really love to know. So, enlighten me.”
I tried not to cower in fear even though his eyes had become darker.
“Come to think of it, what were you even doing in this storage room?” he queried before I got the chance to answer his first question.
I sighed resignedly. I was suddenly so tired and all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and sleep.
I had opened my mouth to speak when the storage door swung open and Zade came out.
Just great. Now things were going to get worse.
Ryder’s lips curled into a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
“Zade Hunter, I see you have met my wife,” he said in a cold tone. He pulled me to his side and wrapped his arm firmly around my waist.
Zade’s nostrils flared at Ryder’s actions and I saw his hands clench into fists on either side of him.
He heard him sigh before he spoke. “I’m deeply sorry. I was the one who delayed her.”
“Whatever for? Is there something you need help with?” he queried.
The maniacal smile was still on his face and his voice could freeze hot water.
I could feel my mate start to lose his patience with Ryder’s questions and I knew it was only a matter of time before they started to exchange fists.
I silently but fervently prayed to the Moon Goddess to prevent that from happening and at the same time, wracked my brain for something to say that would get my husband off my mate’s back.
“Ah, there you are,” a familiar voice said.
I nearly cracked my neck because of the speed with which I turned my head to see who my saviour was.
Lucien walked briskly towards us and gave me a subtle wink.
“I need you to come with me. It’s really urgent,” Lucien said to Ryder whose eyes were still fixed on Zade.
“Lucien, I’m pretty sure you know what time it is. Can’t it wait till tomorrow?” he queried.
“I’m afraid it can’t,” he murmured and I had to silently applaud him for being able to make his tone so grave. He was a terrific actor.
I was sure it was with great difficulty that Ryder was able to tear his eyes away from my mate.
He moved forward, pulling me along with him. I nearly wept with relief. There had been no fight.
We had taken a few steps forward when my husband suddenly stopped and without looking back at Zade, he spoke.
“There are many servants that you could call upon if you need something. My wife is not one of them. She’s the Luna of this Pack and I’d really appreciate it if you accorded her more respect.”
He moved forward without waiting for a response. I didn’t even think he had been expecting any.
He marched me to our chambers first and I saw that he had already stationed guards at the door. He made sure I went in before going with Lucien.
I wondered what sort of lie the Gamma was going to come up with. Ryder didn’t like being tricked. I also wondered how he had known in the first place that I needed help.
It was going to be a long night and I dreaded sleeping on the same bed as Ryder.
I didn’t hear him when he came in. I must have been more tired than I thought. When I woke up the next morning, he was already up and studying some files intently.
For a while, I pretended that I was still sleeping and silently hoped that he’d leave to attend to something so that I’d leave the room also without any confrontation.
“I know you’re awake, Malia,” he said. “Your breathing gives you away every time.”
I mentally groaned and sat up on the bed. Then I made a show of yawning and stretching.
He chuckled. “You are too old for that sort of pretence, don’t you think?”
I ignored him, got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I made sure I took extra time in there, thinking that if I stayed long enough, I wouldn’t meet him when I came out. How wrong I was.
Breakfast had already been served when I got out of the bathroom and I had gotten dressed.
For the first time in a long while, I wasn’t hungry and I felt rather nauseous at the smell of the food.
I made my way towards the door and heard him loudly clear his throat.
I stopped walking and mentally rolled my eyes. When I turned to face him, I saw that he was regarding me with a cold expression on his face.
“I’m going to Penelope’s, I said and he sneered.
“Isn’t it too early? She has kids you know. She needs time to get them ready and bond with them, especially in the mornings. Maybe we should also make a couple of babies so that you’d get your hands full like your best friend.”
His words wounded me deeply but I tried not to show how hurt I was.
“I guess I would go to the library first then,” I said and turned to resume walking towards the door.
“You will sit and eat before you step out that door, Malia,” his voice boomed. “You do not want to add starvation to the list of reasons why you can’t conceive a child.”
I sighed in frustration and turned to face him. “Your attitude alone is enough to make it difficult to conceive. The Pack doctor said I should reduce my stress levels but you always succeed in raising them every day. So please don’t sit down there and try to tell me how skipping breakfast just one morning in a month is going to be the reason why I won’t conceive. I’m not hungry and that’s it,” I spat out.
His eyes hardened and I tried not to cower in fear as he got up from the table slowly and walked towards me.
“Never raise your voice when you’re talking to me ever again,” he said.
“And never disrespect me ever with your words again,” I returned.
He looked a little bit surprised that I had talked back. Then he chuckled. “What did you and Zade talk about last night?” he asked.
I blinked in surprise at the sudden change of topic. “We just spoke about the difficulty that his Pack has been facing,” I answered.
“I see,” he murmured, lightly stroking his chin with his fingers. “But why did you two have to talk in an enclosed space?” he queried.
“I was afraid you’d run into us talking. I knew you wouldn’t like that,” I replied truthfully.
He scoffed. “I’m not a fool Malia and neither are you. You must have known it is not a wise decision to be with an ex-mate in an enclosed space when you have a husband. Were you even thinking about what would happen if one of the servants saw you going into a room with another man at night?”
I sighed in frustration. I was interested in doing this with him so early.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t supposed to speak to Zade at all. It was stupid of me. Please find it in your kind heart to forgive me,” I said and tried to look as sincere as I could.
He regarded me for a moment with mild disgust before he spoke. “You may leave.”
I stayed in the library for a few hours before going to Penelope’s chambers. To my greatest irritation, Ryder had fired my former bodyguard and had him replaced with two stony-faced ones who were supposed to follow me everywhere.
My best friend greeted me at the door with a long face and I knew that she was still mad that I had decided to stay and talk to Zade last night.
“Are you not going to let me in?” I asked with a cheery smile.
She rolled her eyes and stood aside to let me pass.
I noticed that little Damien was not there but the triplets were sleeping soundly in their cots.
She took her seat on the sofa opposite me, still wearing a long face.
I sighed and got up to sit beside her. “I’m so sorry, Pen. I just couldn’t resist speaking with him last night. My wolf wanted to be near him so badly. I’m sure you understand how that feels. Please forgive me.”
“I can not bear both my husband and my best friend being mad at me at the same time.”
I gave her my best puppy-eyed look and the corners of her mouth quirked.
“Please don’t do that. It makes you look like a clown,” she said.
“I don’t mind being anything so far it makes you smile,” I replied with a grin.
Finally, her face split into a wide smile and I sighed in relief.
“Were you the one who sent Lucien downstairs last night?” I asked.
“Well, I guess I sensed how things were going to turn out so I explained the situation to my husband and then he called his father,” she answered.
“Thank you so much. You literally helped stop a war from happening,” I said. “I won’t do something that stupid ever again,” I promised.
“Of course, you won’t because you won’t ever see Zade again.”
I felt my heart stop. “Why not?”
She scoffed. “Really? That’s the wrong question. You’re supposed to feel relieved that he’s gone. It means he would no longer be able to cause any more problems between you and your husband.”
“I’m relieved,” I said more to myself than to her. Though I had asked him to leave, I felt like running to him. I didn’t want to be apart from him.
Penelope took my hand in hers and squeezed gently. “I know how you feel but I need you to be strong. Let Zade remain in the past where he belongs. You need to focus on your husband and on your duty as Luna,” she advised.
I nodded and tried to convince myself that I could do it. After all, I’d been just fine before he showed up here. Now that he was gone, I was also going to be fine.
Moments later, one of the triplets began to cry and seconds after, the others joined.
She gave me a frustrated look. “Can you see what I have to go through every day?” she queried as she got up to head towards their cots.
I followed her so that I could help her out.
After about an hour of breastfeeding and rocking the triplets, they stopped crying.
Penelope sighed in relief as she lowered the last of her babies into the cot filled with toys.
“I guess I have an extra hour before they lose interest in the toys and want their mama’s tities again,” she said.
I giggled. “Don’t make it sound so bad. You’re scaring me from having babies.”
“Pardon me. There’s absolutely nothing to be scared of and having kids is totally stress-free,” she said with a forced smile.
“Okay, stop. You’re only making it worse.”
She giggled and then her expression became serious. “I didn’t see your shadow outside but just those two mean-faced guards,” she began, referring to my former bodyguard that Ryder had fired. “Where did he go?” she queried.
I told her what Ryder did and her expression was filled with pity.
“And it’s all my fault,” I murmured and she placed her hands on my shoulders and told me it wasn’t.
The rest of the day went by in a blur. I was so focused on trying not to think about Zade, that I wasn’t really present.
Penelope had to smack me hard on the arm to bring me back to reality on several occasions.
I ended up spending the entire day with her and returned to my chambers when it was time for dinner.
Ryder was already seated at the dining table when I entered.
“My dearest. How nice of you to grace me with your presence. Come join me, please,” he said. His tone was dripping with sarcasm.
I was really tired of fighting off with him. Maybe if I just did all that he wanted then we’d be happy together just like in old times
I settled on the chair closest to him and inquired about how his day went.
At first, he narrowed his eyes in suspicion and grudgingly replied that it was fine.
“What happened to us?” I asked. We were almost done with our meal. I wasn’t even sure of how it tasted because, throughout the meal, I was just so lost in thoughts about Zade and what he had told me about Lily. I had eaten without tasting my food.
Lily’s deceit was something I was not going to forget throughout my lifetime. I had loved her like a sister but she had always hated me.
Ryder looked up from his plate. He looked surprised that I had asked that question.
He shrugged. “I have no idea.”
“Me neither. One moment, we couldn’t be without each other and the next moment, things had become toxic between us. I just wish we could love each other just the way we did at the beginning,” I said.
His eyes softened and he set down his fork. ” I want the same thing too, Malia. You must understand that all I do to you and for you, I do them because I love you. You’re the only woman that I’ve ever loved this way and it hurts me to watch us fall apart.”
“Please don’t cry,” he said, standing up from his seat and pushing my plates to one side so he could sit on top of the table in front of me.
He wiped my tears with his fingers and bent to plant a kiss on my mouth.
At least, I was still sexually attracted to him even if it paled in comparison when compared with what I felt for Zade.
I mentally berated myself for thinking about Zade while I was being kissed by my husband.
That night when we had sex, it was Zade’s face I imagined. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop myself from doing it.
When I climaxed, I had to bite my bottom lip hard to keep from screaming Zade’s name.
The next morning, Ryder served me breakfast in bed. He had nothing on except an apron.
“Let me guess, you sent all the servants away from the chambers.”
He nodded with a grin. “I had to do that. Except if you have no problem with them ogling me in my semi-naked state.”
“Of course, I have a problem with it,” I replied with a grin, thinking how much I had missed seeing this part of him.
He fed me and then we had sex again.
Things became a little bit better after that, but that didn’t mean that my husband became any less overprotective of me. In fact, his overprotectiveness increased and I had to learn to accept it.
I had guards follow me everywhere I went even if it was just to take a stroll within the palace.
But at least, there was one good thing that came out of it.
To my surprise, he suggested that we could have separate chambers.
Even though it was normal for the Luna to have her own chambers, it just hadn’t occurred to me that Ryder would suggest it because of how overprotective he was towards me. I rather thought he’d want me very close to him at all times.
He would have had my things moved to the late Luna’s chambers but I had a thing against inhabiting a dead person’s room.
“Her ghost still stays there,” I had said to him and he laughed.
“Don’t be ridiculous, sweetheart. But if you insist, I shall have another chamber prepared for you,” he replied.
I told him I didn’t want to be too far away from him so I’d just move to my former room instead.
“But isn’t it too small?” He queried.
In truth, it was far from being small, though, it wasn’t as large as Ryder’s chambers.
I shook my head. “I prefer it that way. But why the sudden decision for me to have my separate rooms? You do not have any intentions of bringing another woman in, do you?” I joked.
He threw back his head and laughed.
“There is no other woman for me but you, Malia. It just suddenly occurred to me that I might be choking you with my presence.”
“I also discovered that you no longer enjoy our lovemaking as much as you used to do and I guess it’s because we do not give each other enough space.”
“I want that fire back, Malia. I need our lovemaking sessions to be as passionate or maybe even more passionate than they had been in the beginning.” I nodded in understanding.
I moved back to my room the next week and I tried not to look too relieved.
Finally, I had my own space again. He had even given me the keys this time.
I sat on my bed for a moment thinking about how, perhaps, marriage wasn’t even my thing. Not even children.
I just wanted to have my own independence. The freedom to do whatever I liked with no one to question me.
“You didn’t feel this way when you were with our mate, though,” my wolf said.
Damn her. She just had to bring him up.
My thoughts immediately went to him and I wondered if the attack on his Pack had stopped.
I wasn’t sure Ryder had sent out our soldiers to help him against the invaders and I wondered how he was handling it.
It must be really serious if he had to ask for help because the soldiers of the Silver Crescent Pack were one of the best if not even the best. They were highly skilled and strong.
“We could go to him. He needs us,” Cia, my wolf said and I desperately wanted to block her out.
What she was suggesting was insane. With my bodyguards following me all around, it was going to be near impossible.
“You could just tell Ryder that you are tired of this marriage. I don’t think he is going to force you to stay,” she suggested.
“Oh please stop it,” I said aloud.
“Stop what?” I heard a familiar voice ask.
I turned towards the voice and saw Penelope staring at me like I had gone mad. I hadn’t even heard her come in.
I sighed. “I was just conversing with my Cia. She wants me to do something crazy,” I replied.
“Oh! Hi Cia!” Pen waved at me. I rolled my eyes. “What’s she asking of you, something regarding Zade, right?” she queried as she sat down beside me.
I nodded sadly. “It doesn’t matter anyway. What matters now is that I now have my room to myself.”
Then I brought my voice to a whisper. “And I hope it stays that way forever.”
Penelope regarded me with something close to pity in her eyes. I hated that look. “What?” I asked rather harshly.
She didn’t even flinch or show any change in emotion at my tone. “You’ve fallen out of love with him right?” she queried softly.
I was silent for a moment before I spoke. “I don’t think it matters. I just want to be at peace and be happy.”
She took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“I just think the Moon Goddess has decided that I’d just be unlucky with men,” I added.
“Please don’t say that. The Moon Goddess doesn’t do things like that,” she said.
I scoffed. “Then explain why even my mate treated me badly,” I replied.
She sighed. “You know your ex-best friend and her sister manipulated him. Those two bitches,” she spat out with a scowl on her face. “Then he was also under pressure from the elders of the Pack.”
“Don’t try to make excuses for him, Penelope. You do not hurt the ones you claim to love. That’s plain and simple.”
She sighed deeply but said nothing more.