It didn’t take long for my eyes to look at them. I quickly closed the curtain then locked the door then lay down on the bed. I don’t think I can bear to see Hugo now as he lay next to me here in bed. Even though I knew I felt sorry for Soleil I couldn’t help but be jealous. I shouldn’t have compared myself to her, but my heart couldn’t help but wish I was just her.
The night accompanied me with my already painful sob. It became my music to a screaming heart. It became the story buddy of my tears. I feel like I am slowly getting used to it, being my friend whenever my heart hurts. Unbeknownst to me, I had fallen asleep by crying so much. Maybe this is how it is when the heart is heavy.
I woke up in high sunlight. But as I opened my eyes, I wasn’t sure if it was swollen because of the extreme pain and I felt like I was having a hard time awakening. I was about to walk to the mirror when suddenly there was a knock on the door. I stared at it first because I thought it was going to stop, but it still didn’t end with the knocking until little by little I heard Hugo’s voice again.
“Adele, are you awake yet? Would you like me to bring you some food?” Suddenly my stomach hurt and I wanted to eat just in case I wasn’t in the mood and I just wanted to lie down all day, sleep and shut up. I feel like I’m losing my appetite for everything.
What could Soleil and he have done last night besides they hugged? I just don’t want to think about it because I’m just going to hurt myself. When I heard nothing at the door, I closed my eyes again. The difficulty when you are pregnant, you do not know what to do with your body, musk yourself you do not understand. Drowsiness never visited me again because I could feel my stomach as if something wanted to go out there again. This has become my morning routine. Waking up and vomiting afterward feels bad again. Why do pregnant women feel like this? They are already having difficulty in childbirth? Why do they have to suffer in pregnancy, why they should also have difficulty?
I ran to the bathroom, unable to withstand it. I vomited. I almost immersed myself in the bowl because I looked drunk. Nothing comes out of my mouth but water, just sputum. As I rested my head on the toilet, I heard the sound of the door unlocking. I didn’t focus on that because I knew who could enter our room. I also lost my enthusiasm for the place we were going for the honeymoon. I just prefer it here because the breeze is quiet and nice to feel. I also want to sleep all day, so I think that if we leave, we will have nothing else to do there. We will just waste money.
Hugo quickly ran to the bathroom because maybe he saw I wasn’t in bed. When I smelled his perfume and he caressed my back, I pushed him. Even though his perfume is fragrant, I don’t want that now! I don’t want his presence near me because I only remember last night. I pushed him so he could get away from me. I don’t like him because someone else can smell him! I don’t know where I get ideas like this, because maybe what they say pregnant women get emotional.
I just pushed him while crying. I was still holding the toilet bowl as one hand pushed him away. Even though he doesn’t move because my hands don’t have the strength. It seems like I just got even angrier because of that. I pushed him even harder with both hands now, then cried. I don’t want anyone holding him. I want to tell him that. I just want him to hug me. I just ate the words I had vomited. Who is now more of a dog than Soleil and me? I don’t have a word to say anymore.
I was no longer restrained, and I spoke. “I hate it. I hate it.” I punched his chest lightly. I no longer have the strength to hurt him and strengthen my every blow. He hugged me and kissed my forehead. He buried me in his chest.
“Why are you becoming like this again?” Funny. You don’t know why I’m like this because you’re busy with your mistress. Yes! Soleil is his mistress because I am his wife now! He wasn’t even here on our first night as a couple! I know he doesn’t want to be angry with me because it’s like our baby.
I stood up and removed his hand that had been supporting me. His expression changed with a mixture of fear. I ignored him and went straight to the sink to wipe my lips and gargle. When it was over, I brushed my teeth and went back to bed.. I’ll just put my resentment to sleep. When he lay down, he still followed. And then came what I feared, that he would open the topic about Soleil. I didn’t say a word when he asked.
“When did you find out that Clara is Soleil?” There was no trace of anger in his voice. He just seemed curious to know when I found out because I didn’t want to add to what I was hiding. I answered him while I turned my back on him.
“The day we helped her. Because mommy Helena showed her photo, I based it on to see her as Soleil … your former lover. Your dead lover. At first, I didn’t want to believe it, but I didn’t want to keep it a secret from you!” I closed my mouth after saying that. That was defensive enough to defend me. I wondered what he would do when he took a pillow and put it next to me. He suddenly caress my head and then spoke.
“Okay. Put that aside there first. Do you want something to eat?” He caresses my hair, then stands up on the bed. The fear that was fighting against my heart was gone. I nodded at him, but still wasn’t looking.
“I want coconut with ketchup.”