As I recover my breath, I rise and sat. When I turned my head, I noticed Ava’s frightened expression. They turned the light on, and the room was no longer dark. I rubbed my moist forehead and wiped it wet.
“Are you all right? You will not wake up, no matter how hard I try to wake you up. Did you have a bad dream?” Her gentle words soothed my racing heart.
I was even more relieved by the realization that it was just a dream. Maybe I was just too tired because of the number of things that had happened. But my dream was looking so real and scary. When I looked at the clock, I saw it was just dawn. I wondered why Ava was here. She might get sick or have an accident going here.
“Why are you here? It’s dangerous to stay awake when you’re pregnant.” I smiled at her. Even the word pregnant is also hard to come out of my mouth. Who would be happy if with every word, every move, every blink of your eyes – you remember nothing but the child you would have been happy to be with in the future.
“W-why are you crying?” Ava suddenly became hysterical because of my tears. Oh. Unbeknownst to me, my tears were falling because of the depth of my thought.
Every time I close my eyes or open it, the scenario of Charlotte and Randall is in my mind. Why is it like this? Why does it hurt? Shouldn’t they be the ones experiencing this because they are the ones who are really to blame for what happened? Why am I having a hard time? There are so many reasons I want to be answered – I want to be clear, but no one even gives me “because”. Why are people like that? Why don’t they think of the person they would hurt for their actions?
I’m very weak right now. I’m not sure where would I get my strength from now on. I gave up like this in an instant. My feelings right now are like the sort of person who merely wants to vanish like a bubble. I held Ava because I didn’t know what else to do with the weight of grieving inside of me. It felt as if a stone had embedded itself in my heart and refused to be removed.
“Sshhh!” Ava tried to comfort me when I couldn’t stop crying. She, too, sheds a tear because of how she sees me. Even if I didn’t want her to cry, I couldn’t do it since I couldn’t stop myself either. If I could turn back time, I would do it, so every day I could experience happiness.
Now that I think about it, I’m curious how Randall reacted when he found out I was pregnant. Was he upset because I had miscarried our child? Did he become enraged when he discovered I had a kid in my womb and didn’t inform him? Why, while I go through everything, does he seem to be unconcerned about our baby? Why can’t I see him in his sadness? Or do we have nothing in mind with him?
“Sorry.” I wiped the tears from my eyes, then slipped out of my hug with Ava. It was obvious in her eyes that she was sad for me. I appreciate Ava as a person. Even when my memories were gone, I was happy that she was here with me. I got to laugh with her and tell stories, but it’s sad to think that I had to leave first to get back into the lost Winter.
“I’ve already decided.”
She looked at me, wondering. I took her hand and squeezed her fingers, then touched her stomach, which wasn’t quite obvious yet.
“I’m leaving the country.” I caressed it, then looked at it. “Don’t give your mommy a headache, okay?” I lifted my gaze now to Ava as her mouth was already open because of what I said. She was shocked, but I showed I was determined.
“Aren’t you just in a hurry? T-think it twice.” Even if she tries to change my decision, it’s too late for that. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, ever since Randall and I had a cloud in our relationship. I just couldn’t do it because of the number of things that happened.
“I need to get to know myself again, maybe there; I will understand better if what I did was right. I’ll be back when I’m complete again. I was destroyed by someone I didn’t even know.” I played with my nails and grinned as if something was funny at what I said. What kind of person would cry over someone she didn’t know in the first place?
“I will also return to the company after that. And I would like to ask for something …” I knew that even though my mind wanted to refuse what I was going to request from her, my heart was fighting. “Please, always check Randall’s situation … I wonder if he’s doing good or is he still miserable.” My tears never stopped as my voice broke. She did not speak and just listened. I took a deep breath to say that was the last thing I would ask of her.
“And please, don’t tell this to anyone.”