I watch the clock tick over to 3:13 a. m.
It’s dark and still, yet inside my head it’s so noisy that I can’t sleep. That, and the small fact that my sleeping partner isn’t here.
I hate that I can’t sleep without him.
My mind goes over tonight and everything that came to light. So much to process. Nathan says he has feelings for me…. I smile softly, imagine that.
But he went to Stephanie for physical confirmation, so he can’t care about me too much. His mind definitely wasn’t on me when his dick was in her mouth. The fact that he came only adds salt to my wounds.
He liked it with her. My mind runs off on a tangent, wondering what her physical attributes are-height, shape, the color of her hair.
His first female sexual encounter was given to a stranger.
I wanted it.
My heart hurts that he gave it to her, I can never get that back.
If he cared, he would have saved it for me.
I picture the way he was looking down at me while he was kissing me.
But Nathan likes men. He’s always liked men. There has never been any doubt, whatsoever.
Even if he does have feelings for me, I couldn’t physically hold him for forever.
He would always need something that, no matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn’t deliver: a male body.
It hurts to come to this realization.
Because I do love Nathan, and now that this has all come to light, it’s put doubt into my mind about how I feel about him. It’s made me realize that maybe I always have had feelings for him, too. Maybe he’s the reason I have never found Mr. Right. I’ve compared every man I’ve dated to him, and nobody has ever stacked up.
He’s always come first.
I exhale heavily and toss and turn, trying desperately to go to sleep.
I can’t believe this, my most trusted friend on Earth goes to another woman right before he tells me he has feelings for me. How dare he put me in this position.
Selfish, that’s what it is. Nathan and I are too close to fuck around. It can’t be like that between us, and the way he was talking makes me think that he perhaps wants to try a relationship.
There are so many things wrong with that idea that I don’t know where to start.
There’s no denying that Nathan and I care about each other, and maybe in some ways, even love each other already. Could we work it out?
Imagine if we could. He would be the most perfect man for me. I smile as I imagine how happy we could be. I think, on some level, I may have always loved and craved a future with him.
But what if it turned bad and I lost him forever?
I can’t risk it. I can’t give my heart to a man who will break it one day, and even though he would never willingly do it, I know that he will. Nathan oozes sexual chemistry. Everyone wants to either sleep with him or be him.
I could never hold him physically…. He would, one day, eventually stray. And not because he would want to but because he would need to.
You can’t help who you are.
Sadness sweeps over me. If Nathan and I did ever fall in love and we broke up and never saw each other again, I wouldn’t survive it.
He is in every corner of my heart, and I can’t ever risk losing him.
I get a lump in my throat just imagining that heartbreak.
But he wants to try.
No.
Nathan Mercer has the ability to break my heart beyond belief. And I know that he can’t see it now, and would never intentionally hurt me, but he did already.
I get a vision of him with Stephanie. What face did he pull when he came in her mouth? Did she drink him down? A part of him is still inside of her now. Can she still taste him on her tongue?
My eyes well with tears.
His words from earlier come back to me. If you didn’t like me that way, too, Eliza, it wouldn’t bother you.
I roll over and punch my pillow in frustration.
This has to stop, now.
* * *
It’s just past 8:00 a. m. when my phone rings. The name Nathan lights up the screen.
I feel like I’ve been in a fight with Mike Tyson. I’m exhausted.
“Hello,” I answer.
“Hi.” His voice is deep and husky
My eyes well with tears at the familiar sound of his voice. “Nathe.” I sigh. “We need to talk.”
“I know. Can we have dinner tonight?”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
“I’ll pick you up at seven.”
“Okay.”
We both hang on the phone, not wanting to say goodbye, and I close my eyes in pain.
This is the beginning of the end; I know it.
I miss him already.
“Bye, Eliza. Have a nice day,” he says softly before the line goes dead.
* * *
The key turns in the door at 7:00 p. m., and I inhale deeply to try and calm my nerves. Nathan’s beautiful face comes into view and he smiles. “Hi.”
“Hi.” Seeing him in the flesh is a huge relief.
I miss him.
His eyes drop down my black dress. “You look beautiful.”
“Thanks.” I twist my fingers nervously in front of me.
We stare at each other for a moment before he pulls me into a hug and we hold each other. I feel so fragile that I may burst into tears at any moment.
“It’s going to be okay,” he whispers against my temple, he must be able to sense how I’m feeling. “No matter what happens, it’s going to be okay.”
I pull back to look at him. “Is it?”
He forces a smile. “I promise.” He grabs my hand and pulls me toward the door. “The cab is waiting.”
“We’re taking a cab?”
“I need alcohol for this conversation.”
I smile softly. “Me, too.”
Our favorite Italian restaurant is dark and romantic, with candles adorning all the tables.
The waiter fills our glasses and leaves us alone. It feels weird to be intense and nervous. This is one of our favorite places, and we have so many happy memories here.
Nathan’s eyes are locked on me, it’s as if he’s expecting me to run at any moment.
“So?” I say.
“So?” He sips his drink, and I know he’s as nervous as me.
“We need to talk.”
“I know.” He tips his head back and drains his glass before he refills it. “Top off?”
I smirk as my eyes flick to my full glass. “No. I’m good.”
I watch him for a moment, and I know I have to put him out of his misery. I reach over and take his hand in mine. “Talk to me, Nathe.”
He rubs his thumb back and forth over my fingers as his eyes search mine. “Where do I start?”
“At the beginning.”
He picks up his glass, drains it again, and then refills it. It sloshes over the side of the glass.
“Nathan.” I squeeze his hand in mine. “It’s okay.”
“So.” He exhales heavily. “When you broke up with Callum, I… I was glad. Ecstatic , even. I told myself that it was because he wasn’t good enough for you. But the truth was, I was jealous of him. I was jealous that he got to be with you every day and I didn’t.” His eyes search mine. “I slept at your house those first few nights and…”
“And what?”
“I liked it. I felt at home. I wanted to be with you all the time. Over the last two years, we’ve become closer and closer, and then about four months ago, I stopped having sex with other people.”
I frown, this is not what I was expecting him to say. “Why?”
“I didn’t realize it at the time. I didn’t want to. The thought of leaving your side to go and have sex with someone else felt wrong.” His eyes drop to the table. “It felt like I was cheating on you. ”
I take his hand over the table again as I listen.
“But I didn’t put the puzzle pieces together. I didn’t understand it, and to be honest, I didn’t put any thought into why I was acting that way.”
His eyes meet mine for reassurance, and I give him a soft smile. “Go on.”
“Three weeks ago I went shopping with you, and you put on that little gold bikini.”