It’s just gone 6:00 p. m. when I get off the bus on the corner of my block. It’s raining, and I have no idea what I’m having for dinner. I didn’t get any meat out of the freezer this morning. My routine is well and truly fucked up. I can’t be bothered to stop and get takeout. I guess I’ll have toast or something. I make my way to my building and notice someone standing to the side in the shadows, under the awning, out of the rain.
It’s Nathan.
“Hi.” I stop. “What are you doing? Why didn’t you go inside?”
His hands are in his pockets as he stares at me.
“What’s wrong?” I step toward him.
He stares at me for a long time. “Do you feel it?”
“Feel what?”
He gestures to the air between us. “This.”
I frown up at him.
“I can’t fight it any longer. I tried, Eliza, but I just can’t.”
Ever so slowly, he takes my face in his hand, and he bends to slowly kiss me. His tongue gently sweeps through my open lips, and I feel it to my toes.
“Nathan,” I breathe.
He cuts me off with another open-mouthed kiss, and my eyes close instinctively.
What am I doing? I pull out of his kiss. “N-nathan.” I splutter.
His face falls.
“Let’s go upstairs,” I suggest softly. I take his hand and we walk into my building, and into the elevator. My heart is racing. What the hell just happened?
He watches me intently, as if he’s scared I’m about to run. We make it to my floor and head down the corridor to my apartment.
I open the door, and he takes me in his arms again. His lips softly take mine, and oh…
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I fucked up,” he murmurs against my lips.
Wait…. I’m kissing Nathan…. what the hell? I pull out of his grip. “What are you doing?”
“Kissing you.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you.” He presses his lips together and takes my hands in his.
I stare up at him in shock.
“I don’t want to be friends anymore. I have feelings for you, and I have had for months.”
“What?”
“I want to be lovers. I want you to know the other side of me. I can’t take it anymore. I know I’ve been acting weird but it’s because my feelings have changed.”
“How can you possibly like me?” I whisper.
He stares at me, as if he’s searching for the right thing to say.
“You… you told me yourself,” I splutter. “You told me on the first day we met that I was the wrong sex for you.” I begin to feel confused and hurt and I step back from him. I need some distance between us.
“I didn’t plan on this, Eliza.”
“You told me you liked Stephanie just this weekend.” I throw up my hands in disgust. “So, what? You like us both now? So, you’re like a straight player now? Should I take a fucking ticket and get in line?”
“I don’t want her. I want you.”
“Then why did you tell me you liked her?”
“Because I was going to try and go out with her to see if I could make my body work with a woman’s.”
I stare at him, my mind a clusterfuck of confusion. His body, work with a woman.
“What does that mean?” I frown.
“I wanted to see what would happen with a woman.”
“And?”
He clenches his lips together as if not wanting to elaborate.
“Nathan?” My blood begins to boil.
“I saw her,” he says quickly. “But she has nothing to do with us.” He reaches for me, and I pull away.
He went to her?
He likes me but he went to her?
That green-eyed monster appears again. “And did your body work with hers, Nathan?”
“That’s the only fucking thing you heard in that sentence?”
“Did you have sex with Stephanie or not?”
“I’m not discussing Stephanie with you.”
“So, you did?” I shriek.
He glares at me.
Something inside of me snaps. “You’re an asshole,” I whisper angrily. “You say you’ve had feelings for me for months, yet you go and sleep with another woman the before you tell me?” My eyes well with tears. “How could you?”
Blind betrayal is all I see.
“I didn’t have sex with her.”
“But you touched her?”
“See, you do have feelings for me, too?” He says hopefully. “You wouldn’t care if you didn’t.” He smiles. “This is good. This is progress.”
“Did you touch her?” I sneer. “And so, help me god, don’t you dare lie to me.”
“No.”
“Did she touch you?”
“Eliza!” he snaps. “Just drop the fucking Stephanie thing, okay? It means nothing.”
“Did. She. Touch. You. Or. Not?”
He puts his hands on his hips and drops his head.
Anger boils, and the need for more information takes me over. “What, did she kiss you?”
He rolls his eyes. “This is supposed to be a special conversation between us. Momentous, even. You are completely wrecking it.”
“Did she give you a hand job?”
He glares at me.
“Did she suck you off?”
“Enough!” he barks, betraying his guilt.
Horror dawns, and I step back and stare at him…what the hell? “Let me get this straight,” I say softly. “What you’re telling me is that you have feelings for me?”
“Yes.” He smiles hopefully. “I do.”
“And how long have you felt like this?”
“A long time. It feels like forever.” He takes my hands in his. “You’re everything to me, and I want to make a go of it. Tell me you feel the same.”
“Did you blow in her mouth?” I ask flatly.
“Eliza, for fuck’s sake. Drop it. This is about you and me.”
That means yes.
My anger explodes. “So, you went to another woman when you claim to care for me, and you ejaculated down her throat?” I cry. “How did it feel? Did you blow hard? How was her face, Nathan, when she was drinking you down? Were you thinking about me then, huh?” I scream as I completely lose control.
He glares at me.
I picture her on her knees in front of him and him looking down at her. Disgust fills me.
“You know what? Just get out.”
I go to the window and turn my back on him. Hurt runs through my veins.
“If this is your other side, Nathan, then I don’t want to know him.”
Silence hangs between us.
“I said, get out,” I repeat.
“Eliza.”
I turn on him. “If you cared for me like you say you do, you would never want to touch someone else,” I cry. “And you most definitely wouldn’t want your dick in someone else’s mouth.”
“Eliza.” He pauses as he tries to articulate himself properly. “I had to find out.”
I throw up my hands. “And now you know.”
I storm into the kitchen. I need to get away from him. What a self-absorbed asshole.
If he had feelings for me, he wouldn’t have gone to her. What am I? A new challenge in his midlife crisis?
He follows me. “Eliza,” he says quietly. “I know you don’t understand my reasoning but I did it to protect our friendship. I wanted to be sure.”
He gave his first female sexual experience to another woman.
I stare at a spot on the carpet. I’m so disappointed, I can’t even look at him. My broken heartbeat pounds in my ears.
“Can we talk about this?” he asks.
“Just go, Nathe,” I whisper.
He eventually goes to the door and hesitates.
I close my eyes.
“Eliza,” he says.
I turn toward him.
“If you didn’t like me that way, too, it wouldn’t bother you that I was with her.”
We stare at each other for an extended time.
He drops his head and walks out, closing the door behind him.
My eyes well with tears.
Asshole.