“Ready?” I had just left the room and was ready when Enrique greeted me. He changed his dress and it suits him better. I know I am beautiful, and I probably love myself, but the way I look now, which is far from what I used to be, seems like I am no longer suitable for him.
“Dandelion?”
“Huh?”
He carried Ixora leaning against his chest as she slept. I wanted to hold my daughter but I was afraid that I might do something to her. Maybe I won’t be able to control myself next time—-and I don’t let it happen again.
After what happened, I could no longer approach my daughter. I can no longer approach her. I feel that I am a danger to her. That she is not safe with me.
“Hey! Dandelion, you ok?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure?” But instead of answering I just smiled. Letting him know that I am ok. “You look sexy in that dress.”
“What?” I asked with a frown. I am wearing a simple white floral one-strap dress that goes past the knee.
“I said you’re——sexy in that dress.”
“Are you teasing me?”
“No, I’m not, you’re really sexy. You’re sexier than before.”
“Tss. I will not go with you.”
“Oh come on, take it as a compliment, sweetie, let’s go.” I glared at him but he gave me a smile. “Hey, don’t be angry. What I said is true.”
“Fine.”
“Wait, Dandelion.” I stared at him when he took my hand.
“Why?”
“Where is your wedding ring?” he asked and only then did I notice that he was wearing our wedding ring.
“I left in the room.”
“And why? We will go outside, so you have to wear it.”
“Huh?”
“Go back to your room, take it, and wear it. I will wait for you.”
“But—”
“Go ahead.”
“Fine.”
I went back inside the room and then looked for the wedding ring. I thought he had thrown him away but I never thought I would see him wearing it again.
I looked at my wedding ring. Even though we didn’t get along and always fought, I still didn’t deny that I am happy now. Because I hope that when the day comes I can wear it when we are ok. And here it is, he himself suggested that I wear it. I didn’t stay inside and went out.
“Perfect on yours, just like mine.”
“Yes, of course.” But he just laugh at my answer.
“Let’s go.”
I was about to take the bag containing Ixora’s things when Enrique stopped me.
“I’ll carry it.”
“I’ll carry it, and you carry Ixora.”
“My other hand is free.” He picked up the bag so I couldn’t do anything. His right arm is with Ixora’s back and the other is carrying the bag. “Let’s go.”
We walked to the car side by side. I opened the back door for him. He put the bag there and adjusted the baby seat then slowly put Ixora down. I would like to present myself to drive so that he can load Ixora but I doubt if I can do it. We might even perish.
I sit beside him while he’s driving. Every now and then I peeked into the rearview to simply check on my sleeping daughter. I was uneasy because she was alone in the back but I couldn’t pick her up either.
I just sighed in frustration. Why is this disease still affecting me? I hope my daughter and I are happy.
“She’s fine,” Enrique said so I looked at him. “She’s fine so you don’t have to worry about anything. And besides, I am here, I will not leave you.”
I didn’t answer. I just felt him grab my hand and squeeze it while one hand was on the steering wheel.
“Are you worried?” he asked and looked at me but looked back at the road. I didn’t answer his question when I suddenly felt him squeezing my hand again. “It’s normal. A normal reaction of a good mom. You can’t be called a good mother if you don’t worry about your child.” He looked at me and smiled and then looked back at the road.
“But I——–”
“You’re confused. You don’t know what’s happening. But you love her. And your love saved her.” I sighed again and looked away. “Don’t worry, everything will be ok.”
We didn’t talk on the way. Until we got to a place I didn’t expect.
“Mall?” I ask.
“Yeah. We will buy new things for you. I know that you love shopping before. It just stopped when you got pregnant until you gave birth. So we will go shopping now.”
“How about Ixora? We need to buy for her too.”
“She has a lot, I just bought it last weekend for her. We have to prioritize yours first because you are the one who doesn’t have much use. But before that we will watch a movie first,” he replied then went down.
‘Did he say, movie?’
He took something at the back and put it in his body. It’s just a baby embrace carrier. I went down and waited for him. He took Ixora and put it inside the carrier. So he carries it inside the baby carrier on his body.
“Let’s just bring the trolley so you won’t have a hard time,” I suggested.
“It’s fine. I can handle Ixora.” And he took the bag. Since Ixora was inside the carrier, one of her hands was free while her left hand held the bag. “Let’s go.” He took my hand and we walked together while—–holding hands.
I looked at our hands as we walked together. I smiled but not too much. But I am happy. I know I’m happy.
“Which movie do you want to watch?” he asked when we got to the cinema. There aren’t many people because it’s on weekdays. There were only a few young people and groups of men around my age.
“Anything,” I answered because I was not familiar with the new release.
“Hmp, how about romance-comedy?” he asked again while looking at the shows one by one.
“That’s fine for me. I’ll buy drinks and food for us so we can eat inside while you’re standing in line. What do you want?”
“Anything will do.” But he doesn’t let go of my hand.
“Enrique, that’s my hand. How can I buy if you won’t let go?”
“Ah, I changed my mind. I don’t want you to leave my side. Later we will buy two after we get the ticket. There are not many people.”
“Huh?”
“I said, I don’t want you to leave my side because I’m disgusted by the way those men look at you.” He taught a group of boys about my age. “Even if they see that you are with a man who is carrying a child and still holding hands, they can’t take their eyes off you. Clearly, they like you even though they know that there’s a possibility that you’re taken—oh come on! A married perhaps. Got it?”
I stared at him because I didn’t know what to say. Is he jealous? I didn’t notice that we reached the counter because I was only looking at him. After we got the ticket, we bought bottled water, and nachos because he doesn’t like colored drinks. I also bought popcorn for us. I took my card to pay when he suddenly paid.
“The movie will start soon. Let’s go.” He was about to take the food placed on the tray but I went ahead of him.
“Let me.”
“I can manage.”
“Let me, Enrique, you carry Ixora’s bag.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Okay.”We walked together. My daughter was awake looking around and then looked at me. Maybe my daughter is wondering why I don’t take her. Why I haven’t approached or touched her for days. She smiles at me and I smile at her too.
‘Soon baby, mommy will carry you, and I will hug you tightly.’
“Here. This is our seat.”
We were seated in the back and he made me sit in front. He made me sit next to a woman and then he followed by sitting next to me. He also took the drink and placed it on the left side. When the movie started, my daughter fell into his chest again and fell asleep. I was even surprised when Enrique took my hand but he didn’t speak.
When the movie starts, that’s where his attention is focused. He uses his other hand for eating and drinking, and occasionally he pats my daughter on the back. While the other one does not let go of his grip on me.
Enrique did nothing but laugh and laugh. I am restless. I look at the show and then look around. When my behavior is a little uncomfortable, I feel Enrique’s squeeze on my hand. When I look at him, he smiles at me and then goes back to watching.
What he was doing didn’t drown me in thought because my attention was diverted by him squeezing my hand. Until the end of the show, I didn’t understand anything. Fortunately, Enrique didn’t ask me if I enjoyed myself. But I know he knows what happened to me.
“Where do you want to go first? Buy new things or eat lunch?” he asked as we walked out.
“Maybe just eat first.” But Ixora suddenly cried so we moved aside.
“Oh, are you hungry, baby?” he asked. “Can you hand me her bottle? There is already a mixture there wrapped in a heating pad.
I looked for what he was saying and then handed it to him. But Ixora doesn’t want to drink her milk.
“Sorry, Dandelion, but I think she’s not hungry. Can you keep it back so it doesn’t get cold? I will bring her to the nearest comfort to check her diaper.”
“Oh, ok.” I returned the milk to the heating pad and then put it back in the minibag. Ixora didn’t stop because she kept crying.
“Shh, ok, let’s go now and we will check your diaper.” Then he carried the mini-bag. “Just stay here, okay? And don’t talk to strangers mostly men.”
“Huh?”
“Show them your wedding ring once someone approaches you.” But I just laughed. “Don’t laugh, I’ll kick them if I see you talking to someone.”
“Fine. Go ahead and Ixora is already crying.”
“Stay here, no man, I repeat no man. Clear?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” And he left with Ixora.
I suppose to be the one who does it and not him. I am the mother and I should be the one taking care of my child but here I am, left aside while waiting for them because I can’t hold my child because of me.
I want her to be fine, to be ok, and make sure she won’t suffer. And because of the thought of that I am here now, also suffering because of my own thinking. My supposed obligation was passed on to her father. Fortunately, Enrique loves my daughter. e
It only took a few minutes and they came back.
“You have a lot of poop, and for sure you’re hungry,” Enrique said while laughing as one hand held Ixora’s hand.
“Give me.” I immediately took the mini-bag from his hand so that he wouldn’t have a hard time.
“She pooped a lot that’s why she cried,” He informed me while laughing.
“Is she ok?”
“Yeah, you don’t need to worry.” After a while, Ixora used up her milk so I took it and put it in the bag. “Are you hungry?” he asked me.
“Not yet, I’m still full from the nachos we ate.”
“Good, because we will buy your stuff first. I can still smell this child’s poop,” He said and kissed Ixora. “Your poop stinks!” Ixora laughs but makes no sound.
“You are inherited from Daddy who stinks.” And again they both laugh.
I wanted to cry. I want to cry and I don’t know why. I’m happy to see them happy. This is what I have wanted since then. Seeing Enrique happy with our future child. Because since then, I don’t want anyone to be my child’s father but him. I dreamed about it and I’m happy—-but now I feel like I’m not worth it to experience it.
“Hey, hey.” Enrique came and wiped my tears. “What’s wrong?” I shook my head in response.
“Nothing.”
“Do you want to eat first?” I shook my head. “Tell me, Dandelion, what’s wrong?”
“I just thought of something.”
“And what is it?” he asked softly.
“Sorry.” That’s all I said and I started crying. I heard him sigh and come closer to me. He took my hand and pressed it gently.
“I don’t know what’s running on your mind but I want you to know that you’re worthy enough to be a part of our lives. We wouldn’t be deserving of each other as father and daughter if you weren’t her mother. I can’t be a good father if you didn’t give me a child. She can’t be as cute as this also if you are not her mother. Thank you for giving us the chance for you to be a part of your life, Dandelion.”
“Enrique?”
“Don’t cry and they might think that you are a battered wife when they see you.” Then he laughed and wiped my tears. “Come, I know what will make you happy, wife.”