I didn’t go home to the Locsins’ mansion. I stayed in my room here in our mansion. I hugged the pillow while crying because of what happened earlier. No one really understands me but brother Dylan. I am so grateful and thankful to have him. The only person who understands me. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know what I would have happen. I feel like the whole family against me.
The family that I thought could understand me.
“FUCK!” I stopped screaming as my face sank into the pillow. I released what I wanted to release earlier but I couldn’t.
I feel bad. Those who I thought would understand me judged me. Sister Dane is one of them, I thought she would understand me because we are both women and have been through it. Both loved and chased a man. But I was wrong because she was one of those who judged me.
“Daze?” I simply wiped my tears and faced my sister.
“What do you want?”
“Are you ok?” She closed the door and came to me.
“Why? What do you care?”
“Daze?” She asked with a frown and sat next to me. “Do you have a problem?”
“Your plastic,” I said and moved away from her. “You pretend to be concerned about me but earlier you were the first to judge me.”
“No, you misunderstood what I said.”
“Plastic.”
“Daze?”
“You even called me immature didn’t you? You called me immature because I hid Ixora from Enrique.” I smirked.
“That’s not what I meant, Daze.”
“Don’t touch me. Get out of here and I want to be alone.”
“We need to talk. Daze, I think you’re not ok.”
“What’s not ok?” I’m cursing. I have to be damned like before. She can’t notice that I have a problem. “You’re really judgmental, aren’t you?”
“Daze, that’s not you, somethings wrong with you.”
“There’s no problem with me!” I stood up and took my bag and went out but sister Dane still followed me until we left the room.
“Daze!” She held my hand but I removed her hand and pushed her.
“Leave me alone?!” sister Dane fell just as mommy, daddy and brother Dylan came from their room.
“Dane! / Diana!” they shouted her at the same time. Brother Dylan immediately came to his sister and helped her stand up.
“What’s happening here?” asked daddy.
“Dad, I think Daze is not ok.”
“What?” daddy and mommy asked at the same time.
“She’s not acting normal.”
“I said I am ok!” I was about to attack sister Dane when daddy blocked me.
“Stop!”
“Daze.” Even mommy came to me. “Tell me what’s going on here.”
“She thought something that I don’t know. She accused me. She couldn’t admit that she really judged me by what else was being said about me. Only bad things come out of her mouth. I’m sorry sister, because we are not like you and we are different. I’m sorry if I’m not as good as you because I don’t know anything but to scold.”
“I didn’t say anything against you, Daze. What are you saying? I said you’re not ok, based on your actions and the way you look,” replied sister Dane. “Look at you, you are very different. Even your actions and words.”
“I think so, too, Daze,” replied brother Dylan.
“What?” Oh my god, brother Dylan too? I still thought he was on my side. “I thought you’re one my side?”
“I am, but Dane seems to be right that there is something wrong with you.”
“See, Daze, we’re on your side. We want what’s best for you. We are not your enemy here, we’re on your side. Just admit to yourself that there’s something wrong with you so we can fix it right away.”
“There is nothing wrong with me, you are the one who is wrong because you all think of me as worthless. My god! I’m just about to leave and you guys are really fight me.”
“You’re not going to leave. Listen to your brother and to your sister,” dad commanded.
“No, I’m leaving, I’m going home to my daughter.” I pushed daddy and quickly ran.
“Daze!” They all called me but I ran down the stairs. My brother caught me but I quickly pushed him away and kicked him hard in the leg.
I rush to my car and quickly get in. He can’t know that I have a problem, they can’t notice and they might take my child away from me.
All this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for Enrique. For sure he told my family about Ixora. That’s why I was called. He is really guilty of this. If he hadn’t married me I wouldn’t have any problems now. My daughter and I would be happy.
This is all because of him.
I hurriedly entered the mansion to look for Enrique. The thickness of his face to tell my family about my daughter. If he wants to break up with me, he should take action. He will not use my family to defame me.
“Where is your boss?” I asked the maid.
“He’s in his office —–” I ignored her and continued to the office. I slammed the door shut when I got inside.
“How dare you.”
“What happened to you?” he asked with a frown while holding the pen and paper.
“The thickness of your face will defame me from my family.” He lowered his grip without losing the frown on his forehead.
“What the hell are you saying?”
“And you’re acting like you don’t know.” I walk closer to him and stand in front of the table and put my two hands up. “You told my family about our problem. You said what I did and told them the truth about Ixora. Why, why didn’t you let me tell them? Why did you lead me?!”
“I didn’t say anything to your family. I haven’t talked to them.”
“Liar. No one else could tell them then but you because we were the only ones who knew then.”
“For fuck’s sake. Why did you doubt me? You’re the one who’s doing something stupid and you’re angry? I didn’t tell your family anything and I don’t care if you don’t want to believe it. Now leave this fucking room and I am busy.” I looked at him badly because I didn’t believe him.
I wipe my tears while looking at him. I’m tired. If they find out that I have a mental problem, I will lose my child forever. And maybe this fool will have the right to my daughter and then he will also take her away from me.
“You are all the same. I will not let you hurt me.” I turned around and slammed his door shut.
I went straight to Ixora and I’s room and found the nanny watching over my daughter.
“Leave.”
“Maam?”
“I told you to leave. Are you deaf or do you not understand English? Leave.” The maid left quickly so I sat on the bed. I cried and cried because of what happened. I feel like I’m alone because of what happened. Everyone against me. My mother, husband, daughter, sister, all together. I am a useless person. I am useless in this world because no one understands what I feel.
This mess started because of me. It wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for me. My father’s right. I’ve been being a brat too much and in the end I’m the one who ruined everything. Then now they also notice that there is something wrong with me?
I hate this life. I hate myself.
I walked towards the door and then went out and returned to Enrique. As soon as I opened the door, I was immediately greeted by his frowning face while talking to someone on the cell phone.
“I’ll make sure she’s—-” He looked at me as he stood up and seemed to be leaving.
“I can’t let you take away my daughter from me!”
“Dandelion!” I closed the door again and continued back to the room. But before I reached my room, I saw sister Dane, brother Dylan, daddy, and mommy so I ran into the room and immediately locked it so he couldn’t catch up.
“Daze!” They all knocked on the door one by one. Voices of brother, sister Dane and Enrique. “Dandelions!”I stepped back and went to the vanity mirror. I saw myself on the mirror so I opened the cabinet. I dig through those there to find what I need. But I didn’t see anything so I looked around. I looked in the mirror again and saw my own reflection.
Sister Dane is right. This is not me and I don’t want to be like this. I was strong but now, I feel I am the weakest of all.
I took the perfume bottle and then threw it at the mirror. The shattered glass immediately spread around. I looked at the pieces one by one and then took one.
I think everyone will be calmer when I die. I’m the only one who makes trouble here. I would prefer that to them taking my child away from me. The voices that I usually heard come back. They whispered and told me to end my life. They said I am worthless and no one’s love me. No one’s gonna miss me. Everything will be better when I’m gone, especially Enrique.
I put the glass blade on my wrist. The voices keep whispering. I pressed the blade and saw blood dripping from my skin. I was about to cut my wrist when Ixora suddenly cried.
I rush to her while tightly holding the glass.
“Stop crying.” But she kept crying. “Stop crying!” But she still didn’t stop so I tightened my grip on the glass.
Suddenly, I remembered my daughter. I thought about how she would be when I am gone. Who will love her like I love her? What will happen to her when I leave her? I shouldn’t leave her because she might feel bad without me.
But the voices said differently. That I will take my daughter with me. I should be bring her to where I am. Why should I leave her when I can take her with me? She’s mine so wherever I go she should come with me.
“Dandelions!” The door kept banging but this time all I heard was Enrique’s voice.
I dropped the glass and took the pillow beside her. My hand was shaking as I lifted the pillow. The voices said that I need to hurry. But my other thoughts said that I can’t do this. Blood was dripping from my hand to my daughter’s side. I’m crying and I don’t know what to do. I’m confused. Losing oneself.
All I want is for this to be over and to be with my daughter.
My daughter doesn’t cry but move. She fidgets silently while staring at me. Don’t know that anytime something bad will happen to her. The whisper grew louder as I slowly lowered the pillow to cover my daughter’s face, but my daughter smiled at me.
“NO!” I screamed and let go of the pillow. I cover my ears because the voices said I am worthless. “STOP!” I slowly backed up until the back of my foot hit the bed and I sat up. The voice I heard says I am useless. I’m worthless because I don’t love my daughter.
“NO! That’s not true.” I cried while still covering my ears with both palms.
“Dandelions!” I saw a figure of a man. Even though I can’t see him properly because my vision is blurry, I’m sure it’s Enrique because no one will dare to enter here but him. I also didn’t see anyone else with him, even my family that I saw coming here just now. I even heard them call me but Enrique was alone here.
“What happened here?” I didn’t answer and just cried and cried. “Dandelion?”
“I can’t. I can’t”
“Dandelion.” He kneels and looks at me. “What happened?”
“I can not do it. I do not want. I do not want.”
“What are you talking about? What happened?” He looked at the broken glass and the scattered. He took my hand whose pulse continued to bleed. “What is this?” he asked calmly while looking at my hand.
“My daughter, I can’t.” He looked at the crib and then looked at the pillow on the bottom.
“What did you do to her?”
“I do not know. I can not do it. I don’t know what I did to her. Please take a look at her. I’m confused, Enrique. I don’t know what’s going on.” He quickly left me and then went to my daughter. She took Ixora on the crib and looked at me. He walked out and left me crying.
What he did to keep my daughter away from me is better than me doing something bad. I know it. No one’s care with me. It was easy for him to leave me and take my daughter away. He didn’t think about what happened to me or what really happened.
No one really loves me. I took the piece of a mirror and then pointed at the neck. My daughter is safe because I know her father will not abandon her. This is for the better. I need to end my life for everyone’s peace.