(Renata Pellegrini)
All the hunger I was feeling has simply vanished, the emptiness that echoed in my stomach is now opening in my heart, again, the feeling of being betrayed. He calls me to live in his house, and when his mother calls, he says I am just a friend? What kind of friend visits a single man late at night?
I don’t even want to think about the answer… My stomach is upset, I take my plate and put it back in the fridge, feeling the tears stuck in my throat. I walk with hurried steps back to the bedroom, but before I can open the door, Filippo comes out of the guest bathroom and holds my arm.
“What is it?” He asks me with a serious face.
“Nothing,” I answer and try to let go, but he just squeezes his hand even tighter on my arm. “Please let go of me, I’m sleepy.” I speak dryly without looking into his eyes, I don’t want him to see the tears pooling in them.
“I told you not to lie to me, ragazza,” he holds my chin and forces me to look at him, I bite my mouth holding back my tears. “What has got you like this?”
“You are such an asshole!” I evict and he just frowns, making me even more angry. “Let me go now, you stupid asshole!” I shout angrily and pull my arm hard from his touch. “What do you think I am, huh? You think you can bring me here, play house with me and the others, pretend I’m nothing!”
“What are you talking about, donne!” – “Woman,” he exclaims, looking at me without understanding my outburst.
“You fucking bastard!” I shout and start punching him in the chest, but he has no reaction, as if it doesn’t even tickle. “How dare you use me like that, you bastard!” I ask in a tear-streaked voice.
He grabs my wrists and abruptly pushes me against the wall, his eyes gloomily staring at me, causing a fearful shiver to run down my spine. I swallow dryly regretting having acted like that, like a man who doesn’t think twice before killing someone.
“Do you really want to talk on the basis of violence?” He asks, squeezing my wrists even tighter, I can sense the danger in his voice behind his words. I nod my head no and he releases my wrists from his grip. “Good.”
“I… I want to go back to my house,” I say, looking down.
“You are already home.”
“This is not my home! I don’t want to have to hide when some relative of yours comes to visit!” I spit out the words, feeling relieved.
I know I’m not at home, I know I’m not rich, that my origins are not considered good, I’m fully aware that I’m not fit to be next to someone like him, but for all this time, he made me think that I’d be different, that he wouldn’t care about appearances, but I was wrong, for him, I’ll just be his girlfriend when there’s no one else, no one important, for him.
“Why would he have to hide? Where did you get this ridiculous idea, ragazza?”
“Ridiculous idea?” I repeat his line with raised eyebrows, looking into his eyes. “You received a phone call from your mother, and you told her that I was just a friend and so she wouldn’t listen to me. I leave the kitchen, clearly uncomfortable with my presence.”
“You said you didn’t want anyone to know that we were together!”
“You asked me to move in with you!”
“And?”
“What do you mean, so?”
“You didn’t want anyone to know about us, you would never use the fact that we were living together to force you to take me out publicly.”
“I thought… I thought that when you asked me to move in here it was so that we could build a…” I stopped talking, shit, so that we could build a family? Would I really expose this to him?
I look away feeling foolish, Filippo doesn’t make a point of assuming me, I thought I made it clear when I told them that I had told Amando about us, that I didn’t want to be a secret anymore, but he doesn’t seem to understand, or he is playing dumb.
“A what?” He insists for me to complete my speech.
“A more solid relationship,” I say, clenching my hands into fists.
“Why do you insist on lying to me?”
“I am not lying, I am not obliged to reveal everything I think,” I rebut his accusation. – And so are you.
“What do you want to know? I have never left you without an answer.”
“How do you feel about me?” I ask, feeling my heart hammering harder, I have never asked him this question directly.
“Horny,” he says, leaving me with no reaction to his answer.
“Is that all?” I ask in a lower tone.
“No, it’s not just that, but I don’t know how to describe it, I have never insisted so much on a woman and before you, at least, I had two fucks every day, from Monday to Saturday.”
I feel my face heat up violently, I swallow dry, I never thought he was a virgin, but I never thought he would assume to my face that he had a high frequency of sex. I already knew that, besides being gorgeous, he is very rich, and women must fall a lot on his feet.
“Renata, pay attention, the one who started wanting to stay secret was you, and I gave you my word that I wouldn’t do anything to go public, this game, the one who started it was you. Don’t blame me for something you asked for. Second, if you don’t like this house, we can move. I have houses in other places, you can choose any one. I won’t break my promises.”
I don’t know how to respond to this speech, I know that I didn’t say directly, after the episode with Penelope, that I didn’t want us to be in secret anymore, but I told Amanda! He should have understood, dammit!
“Okay,” that’s all I can say, my head is exploding. “I don’t think I’m ready for us to move in together, I think it’s better if I stay in my apartment and you stay in your house.”
“You think I’m a bambino, cazzo!” He shouts and hits the wall, scaring me. “Sporcizia!” – “Crap”, he walks away and starts pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hair, in a clear demonstration of irritation. “Don’t play with me, don’t try to make a fool of me, Renata, for your own good.”
“I’m not making a fool of you,” I say.
“Then stop playing games with me, we’re not children, behave like the adult you are. I didn’t come to get you to play house, I’m not an idiot to accept that you can come and go as you please, carrying your bags and suitcases like a little dog of your own,” he says angrily.”
I can’t say anything, his eyes stare at me angrily and I just don’t react, realizing that I’m not going to say anything, he runs his hand over his face and enters the room, I follow him with my gaze, he goes to the toilet and slams the door, not long after, I hear the sound of water falling.
He is right, we are not children, I can’t run away every time we have a disagreement. I take a deep breath and go into the bedroom, lie down on the bed and more tears come out of my eyes. I’m not feeling like an adult right now, I wish my mother was here, to hug me and advise me what I should do.
I don’t know how much time passes, but as I am about to fall asleep, I feel the mattress sinking down beside me, the fresh smell, from his freshly showered bath, enters my nostrils, he smells so good…
“I don’t want to get mad at you,” I say without turning to face him. – I’m sorry, I should have talked to you first, not thought and demanded your actions without letting you know what I wanted.
Sedo, pride at this moment won’t do any good.
“I’m sorry too, I didn’t mean to shout or scare you,” I am surprised by his apology.
Filippo pulls me around his waist and glues my body to his, I bite my lips and he begins to caress the side of my body, but then he makes me turn around and face his bare chest.
“Have you ever been to the movies?”
“Anh, no, but why this question out of the blue?”
“Do you want to go on a date with me? We can go to the movies tomorrow after we leave the company.”
“Are you sure? Tomorrow your schedule is packed, and I may well leave before you do.”
“I’ll send a driver to bring you home, then you can get ready while you wait for me.”
“Do you have a driver?”
“Yes, but I only call him when I make long trips at night.
“Oh, okay then, I want to go, yes,” I answered, smiling. He kisses my forehead and lays my head on his warm chest, and I fall asleep listening to his heartbeat.