It’s been a few weeks since Lileth die. I was at her grave almost every day and also got drunk every night. This has become my routine in life and I have neglected everything. I didn’t go to work and I don’t even pay attention to business anymore. Even myself I have neglected.
My parents and my siblings keep visiting me. They always check on me and asked me how why I am. As usual, I keep on saying ‘I am ok’ though I am not. Isn’t it obvious that until now I didn’t fix myself and I am still grieving?
Today is the fortieth day of her death. The whole family had been here earlier for prayer but also went home immediately. I was left alone and no one spoke to me. They were all tired because they didn’t get anything either.
Who would dare to talk to someone who looks crazy like me? Who will understand me if I can’t understand myself?
Mom visited me at home almost every day. Asking me how I am but I answer with “I am ok’. I even saw her cry in front of me, but I lost consciousness suddenly and I no longer knew how to cry. Dad, at first, gets mad but later on is also tired of saying. And so does my siblings.
I am tired. I am tired of being hurt, I am tired of crying knowing no one would come back. I’m tired of mourning. I’m tired of waking up hurting. In other words, I am tired of living.
After everything that happened, I realized one thing. No one can stand by me as Lileth does. She’s the only one who really perseveres with me. She was the only one I could understand until the very end. Even though she’s already hurting because of me but she still stayed. She is the only one who truly loves me.
Love that I wasted and left me.
I walked to the car and then got some alcohol. I really meant to bring it because I have no plans to go home tonight. If I could just build a house here, I would do it.
“I miss you.” I used to say this to her every time I am here. “I love you.” And I never get tired of saying that over and over even when no one answers me.
“Please come back.” I touched her tombstone and my tears flowed one after another. “I can’t stay longer like this. I’m going to die of pain, Lileth. I will die if I am not with you.”
Forty days, and for that day I feel like I die also. During those days it was very difficult for me to accept that she was not there. What else will happen to me over time? Even now I’m losing the will to live what else in the next few days?
“Dave?” I look at Daze who is carrying coffee and then sits next to me. “I know you’re here.”
“It’s late, you can go home,” I said and drank the bottle of wine.
“I want to stay with you. Please open up. I am willing to listen.”
“You can’t understand me, Daze.”
“Because I am a brat?”
“Because you never get hurt like this.”
“But at least open up. Reduce your loads so that you don’t have to carry so much.” I look at her who is now in tears. “Please. I will listen.”
“I missed her.”
“Dave.” She comes closer to me and holds my hand. “Spill it. Go on.”
“I fucking miss her. I feel useless and miserable now that she’s gone.”
“Dave, please don’t say that.”
“I have a lot of plans, Daze. A plan that I want to do for us, for her. But I can’t do all that because she’s gone. I wasted all my dreams for us and the pain — I didn’t make the most of the time we spent together because I did nothing but hurt her.”
“Dave, you are a victim. Lileth understands that because she loves you and she doesn’t want you to get hurt.”
“She doesn’t want me to get hurt but it’s easy for me to hurt her.”
“Dave.”
“She protected my feeling and accepts my wrath. But for me? What am I doing? I did not accept what I thought was her mistake and I did not give her a chance to explain because I preceded her in anger.”
“Because you’re hurt.”
“Because I’m an ass. Dylan was right, if only I had understood her first. I made her feel like I didn’t care what happened to her maybe she opened up to me and we solved the problem. I hope that if this happened today, the outcome would not be so painful for me because I know I did not fail and I became a good husband.”
“Dave, don’t blame yourself. Please stop feeling guilty. Lileth doesn’t want you to feel that way. She loves you, and she wants you to be happy.”
“How can I be happy if my happiness wasn’t with me? I can’t and I don’t know what to do.”
“Dave, please help yourself. Please.” She stood up and hugged me. “I am hurting seeing you hurt. I love you, brother,” I cried on Daze’s shoulder while she caressed my back.
“I miss her, Daze. I miss my wife. I need her, I need her every day.”
“Dave.”
“I miss my wife.” My tears never stop. I growl. The pain, the ache, and the feeling that I am slowly out of breath. Daze let me cry on her shoulder.
DAZE ARRANGES my bed. She drove me here and we left my car at the cemetery. I have no plans to go home but Daze never stopped convincing me so I agreed.
She made the bed and then removed my clothes. She also rolled up the blanket.
“Don’t remove that,” I said as she was about to remove the pillowcase.
“I want to change the cover.”
“No, that Lileth’s pillow.”
“Dave.”
“Thanks for bringing me home. Please don’t touch her things.”
“Okay.” She stopped arguing with me and let go of the one she hold. “Dave, you want me to stay?”
“I can handle it, Daze, thank you.”
“You’re drunk.”
“I can manage, I am ok.”
“Okay, goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” She just nodded and walked out of the room.
When Daze goes out I close the door. I sat on the bed and caressed it.
I remember the days when Lileth and I were ok. I remember how we would laugh over the bed. How can she chase me and when I catch her I kiss her. How can I startle her when she doesn’t notice I’m coming.
Those happiest and funniest memories we had will remain memories. This is really hard to admit. You just feel pain and it’s hard to fight. It’s hard to fight the pain created by the loss of the person you love because the only cure is for her to come back but you know it won’t happen. It was as if you were incurably ill.
I get up and walk through the closet. All her things are still here. I still smell her scent through her clothes. Instead of losing some of my loneliness, it only got worse. I just got more and more insane thinking about the pain. I was especially looking for her presence because of the smell she left in this room.
I can take it. I can’t live to feel like this every day. I can’t live with only pain.
I don’t want it! I don’t want this anymore! I don’t want to wake up sad anymore. I don’t want to wake up without Lileth. I don’t want to wake up alone. And I don’t want to wake up in pain every morning.
I AM TIRED!
I open the drawer and saw the gun. I took it and walked to the bed. I played on it while thinking about Lileth. Her smile, her laugh, her voice, and her tenderness.
There is one bullet inside, enough to stop this fucking pain.
I took Lileth’s pillow and hug it. I smell and caress the way I hugged and caressed her. I smiled as the tears continued to flow.
“I miss you. I miss you so much. Wait for me and I’m coming.” I put the gun on my head. My hands were shaking and gripping the trigger tightly. One-click and everything will end. One-click and this fucking suffering will end. I only need to click this to end this pain.
This is the only way I know to be with her. I can’t live with being hurt over and over again, just over and over feeling pain, just over and over blaming myself, over and over hoping even when there’s nothing to look forward to.
I can’t take it anymore.
“I love you. I love you, Lileth. I love you, wife.”
“Dave!” The last word I heard before a loud bang echoed inside the room and everything went black before I fell to the ground smiling.