My tears wouldn’t stop flowing as I watched Lileth sleep. She has dextrose and oxygen because her oxygen in the body goes down. The doctor said that she had been ill for a long time and that she was aware of it. And now that her body had given up it suddenly collapsed as well.
The doctor said that Lileth has cancer three years ago. It means that before we got married she was already sick. Before I could torture and hurt her. Guilt engulfed me even more. I feel sorry for my wife who endured everything just to be with me even though I still hurt her.
As I looked at her I kept asking myself questions and kept crying. ‘Why now? When we are ok and starting a new life. When am I starting to get over her.’ But even if I keep asking myself. I can’t get the right answer because I don’t know what’s really going on with us right now.
We are happy. We started. I am recovering from my sins with her. We don’t have a problem and then suddenly something worse happens.
Then this is what will happen to her. Another test and even more painful. I’ll just find out that she’s sick and then she only has there months to live. She had been battling her cancer for a long time while I was hurting her.
Dylan says Lileth admitted that before we got married she was already sick. So she married me because she wanted me to be with her for the rest of her day on Earth. That’s why even though I pushed her away, she still wouldn’t leave. That’s why she put up with everything because she still wanted to be with me eventually.
Is this my karma with my wife? Is it karma because of what I did to her? Was I being punished for hurting her? Can she be taken back from me because I didn’t take care of her and appreciate her? Because I failed to fulfill my obligation to take care of her and protect her?
I’ve repented, and I’m recovering and we’re starting. Is it not enough? Is it still lacking? What else can I do to keep her from losing me?
I keep wiping away my non-stop tears. I continued to sob to the side. I sat on the side and would not stop the eye from flowing. Constantly asking oneself. ‘Will she really leave me? Will she be gone forever from me?’
I know I asked for it before but I’m taking it back now. It can still be taken back because I don’t want to lose my wife. She is still here with me so I will take back everything I said. I don’t want her to die, I don’t want her to leave, I don’t want her to go.
I felt someone sit by my side and hold me by the shoulder. I just know who he is. He is the only one I know who uses Clive Christian chasing the dragon scent.
“What will I do?” I asked as soon as I felt him sitting next to me. “Why did this happen now?” I heard him sigh so I lifted my head and looked at him. We met our gaze with the same sadness in the eyes.
“Everything happens for a reason. All you have to do is to stay with her, she needs you right now.”
“I’m sorry, if I left this happen, Dylan. I missed it and I regret it.”
“Nobody wants her to get sick. You don’t want to and you’re even more innocent.”
“Dylan, I’m sorry I left the woman you care about. I’m sorry if I failed to take care of her.” He tapped my shoulder and then bowed.
“Will anything happen if I blame you? What is happening cannot be undone. I know you were hurt so you did it.”
“Dylan, do you still love her so that’s how you appreciate my wife?” He smiled at me and looked at Lileth then turned his gaze back to me.
“Yes, it hasn’t changed even though he’s no longer with me. And I know she will never be lost in my heart. Mother of my child, and she is still I want to be the mother of my children.”
“I don’t know how you feel every time you see Lileth. I know I hurt you because of what I did to her. Sorry, Dylan. I’m sorry for you two and Lileth.”
“I am happy to see her every day. I was contented because I could see her. That was enough for me. Somehow I can see her and be with her so I’m happy there.”
“If she comes back to you, will you still accept her even though you know she has someone else? Even if she left you?”
“I will accept her again and again even if she leaves me again and again because I love her and I still hope she will come back. Lileth is my only inspiration and I hope she will come back to me even if I know it seems impossible.”
I bowed because of what she said. If something happens with my wife. Not only will I be hurt but so will my brother. I am an idiot.
“I’m sorry, Dylan, I’m sorry because I know you were hurt too because of what I did to Lileth. I’m sorry because what happens is that we will both lose the person who is important to both of us.”
I cried and cried because of what I thought. Even though I don’t want to, it looks like that’s what will happen.
“I want to get back at her and you. But I can’t do that if she will leave us?”
I am a fool. Now I find it even more difficult to accept everything because I have not only hurt myself but also my brother. I know Lileth is just one of Dylan’s reasons to be happy. Every time she sees Lileth she gets excited but what did I do? I even took away my brother’s happiness. I also let myself get hurt because of the rage.
“You don’t need to feel guilty, Dave, this is no one’s fault.”
“This is all my fault.”
“This is our fate, God knows better.” I looked at Dylan because of what he said. He smiled at me and ruffled my hair. “It’s just not obvious. But I have God here.” He pointed to his heart and then pointed up.
“And I do believe that God has a reason for all of this. Why all of this happen. Like what happened to my child and to her, and to our relationship.”
If everyone thought that I am the strongest among the siblings then they are wrong. Because Dylan is. Since we were young, I know him and I know how easy and strong he is. Everyone misinterprets him but Dylan manages to explain his side. When we were young, Dylan was always with us all the time. He always shares in our mistakes so that we will not be offended.
When we break something he takes over. If dad will get mad he will immediately ask ‘Is what you use more important than me, I didn’t mean to break that.’ That’s why we get used to him always with us because we know he’s there to admit our mistakes. Is hard-headed, and dumb, but he has a soft heart.
So I know that until now, even though he was smiling and happy he was still carrying a chisel. The conscience in her heart for the loss of his child. And I also know that to this day he still blames himself because he sent out anger and he neglected so that happened.
He shows us he’s happy. He spread positive, but I know he cried silently. And now he will be hurt even more. When Lileth leaves us.
“Hmph!” We both look at Lileth. She moved so we approached her together.
“Lileth?” I call her.
“D-Dus-tine, D-Damon.” I held her hand. Dylan touches her forehead either.
“Lileth,” I call her again.
“I-I am s-sorry, D-Dustine,” she said and started to cry.
“No, no.” I cried while holding her hand. “Don’t say sorry.”
“D-Damon.”
“Yes.” Dylan’s voice was also raspy but he was smiling at her.
“Will you take care of your brother?” I also couldn’t help myself and I cried in front of her. I don’t want to be weak in front of her but I can’t. I don’t want to hear her say goodbye.
“I will,” Dylan answered quickly. “But it’s happier if you take care of him so get well.”
“Dylan is right. I prefer you to take care of me.” But she only give me a smile. “You are my wife so you are the one I want by my side.”
“I-I’ll sleep first.” She failed to promise instead of responding to what I said.
“Yeah.” She closed her eyes so Dylan touched my shoulder. Again, I cried while holding her hand while peacefully sleeping. Just thinking that I will lose her makes me feel like I am losing myself.
I feel like I’m going crazy and I want to just go with her instead of being left alone. Oh, God. I can not do it. I will die when she is gone.