22

22
ALICIA
I’m edgy and nervous walking back to Dad’s house with Brandon in tow, and not only because I’m not sure I want him to meet Emmy. There’s more to it than just the obvious stress of letting him into my daughter’s life.
The first problem comes up almost immediately. Kayla comes out onto the porch when she sees us approaching, wide-eyed and clearly confused. I read about a million questions on her face, but of course she can’t ask any of them, and I can’t answer.
“Where’s Dad?” I say instead.
“Taking a nap.” She glances at Brandon. “Maybe this isn’t the best time for company.”
“I could come back another time,” Brandon says. “I don’t want to bother Vern.”
I shake my head. Kayla’s trying to give me an out, in case there’s something going on here that I don’t want. That’s obvious to me. Dad used to be the kind of wolf who would come alert in an instant, but in his old age
he’s become a very sound sleeper. Having Brandon in the house isn’t going to disturb him, and Kay knows that as well as I do.
“It’s all right,” I tell him. “You can come in. Just keep your voice down.”
I ease the door open and lead the way through the kitchen, back to the bedroom I’ve been sharing with Emmy. I pause outside the door.
“Wait here,” I tell Brandon. “I’m just going to see if she’s awake or not.” He nods.
I slip into the room, and Kayla follows me.
“What are you doing?” she hisses. “I thought you didn’t want him to know.”
“He won’t know,” I say. “He thinks she’s my ex’s baby.”
“And you don’t think he’s going to figure it out? I figured it out.” A chill runs down my spine. I’m not sure. I can’t be sure.
But the thing is…I’m not sure how reliably I can prevent him from seeing her. I don’t know how long we’re going to be here, but it will probably be a couple of months at least. And if it becomes obvious that I’m trying to conceal her, that will be even more suspicious.
At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.
Maybe I just want my child to have a moment in her life when her father held her. Is that such a crazy thing to want? Isn’t that a risk worth taking?
Emmy’s standing up in her portable playpen, gripping the side railing and staring at me.
She really does have Brandon’s eyes. What if he looks at her and sees that? But what if I never let them meet?
I don’t know. I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore. I was so confident in my choices for so many years, but coming back here and seeing
Brandon again has thrown everything into doubt.
“I want him to see her,” I say at last. “I just think it’s the right thing to do.” Kayla nods slowly. “If you’re sure,” she says. “It’s your decision to make.”
I go back to the door and open it. Brandon’s waiting in the hall, leaning against the opposite wall. “Come on in,” I tell him.
He comes in, his eyes going right to Emmy. “This is her?” “This is Emmy,” I confirm.
“Damn, Alicia. She looks just like you,” he says softly, wonderingly. There’s something almost reverential in his tone. It’s what I would have wanted from him, seeing his daughter for the first time. But the fact that he doesn’t know she’s his is souring it.
A knot loosens in my chest. She does look just like me. I’m glad that’s the part he’s focusing on.
“How old is she?” he asks.
“Almost two.” A white lie. Adjusting her age a little makes her too young to be his, which means he’s less likely to think of that possibility. And I don’t think Brandon is familiar enough with babies to guess at my fib.
“Wow,” he says. He squats down in front of her. “Hi, Emmy.” She doesn’t say anything. She just stares at him.
He looks up at me. “Does she talk?”
“When she wants to. She’s still learning words,” I say. “She’s a pretty quiet kid.” Actually, it’s something I worry about-I feel like she should talk more for her age. Maybe it has something to do with being away from her pack.
“She’s so beautiful,” Brandon says. He grins at her. “Just like your mama.” She just regards him solemnly.
“Can I pick her up?” he asks me.
“Give it a try,” I say. “We’ll see how she responds to it.” Usually Emmy doesn’t let men hold her without kicking up a fuss, although she’s been all right with Dad so far.
Brandon stands up and lifts her out of the playpen. She goes to him willingly, wrapping her arms around his neck, leaning her head against his shoulder, and looking for all the world as if she’s known this man her entire life. It’s startling to see.
Brandon grins. “Hey, you like me,” he says to her. “I think you’re pretty cool too. Maybe if your mom comes around when you’re a little older, you and I can practice sparring, or I can teach you how to set snare traps. You need a man’s influence in your life, and not one of those goofy human men. Right?”
Emmy smiles at him, and my heart melts a little watching him talk to her.
This is exactly what I’ve always wanted for Emmy. Exactly what I’ve always told myself she didn’t need, because she had a mother, and the idea that kids need two parents is just a construct.
Except she’s here in her father’s arms, and even though neither of them have any idea who the other one is, I can already see a bond between them.
And for the first time, I start to think seriously about telling them the truth. I’m not sure I can justify keeping them apart anymore.