Tony
Leaving Pepper in L. A. was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I wanted to just pitch a goddamn tent on the sidewalk outside her mansion to make sure she is safe and healthy. But then, I’m the guy with a hitman coming after me, so my presence only endangers her. And she asked me to leave.
I’m not gonna force myself on her. I will never be that guy. I have to respect her wishes, even if it kills me.
I stand now and stare at the empty stage at the Bellissimo.
I’ve never been so lonely in my life. So utterly gutted. Knowing she’ll be back here, singing and dancing on that stage, but she won’t be mine? It kills me.
But I want her to be happy.
I need her to be happy.
And if that means respecting her wishes for distance between us, I will. She deserves that honor from me.
I can’t make myself into something I’m not. Pepper deserves a decent man. One without blood on his hands. One who-aw, who the fuck am I kidding? I drive my fist into the seat back in front of me. No man would ever be good enough for Pepper. There’s no man I could ever see touching her, taking care of her without me wanting to rip his ears off.
If I had nine hundred grand, I would pay off Pepper’s debt and free her from the contract with Junior Tacone in a heartbeat. Then I would quit the Family and beg for a position as her bodyguard. Roadie. Anything to be close to her.
I wouldn’t make her promise me anything. I’d just take care of her. Show her I’m willing to earn back her trust. Make sure she knows how incredible I think she is.
Fuck, does she know?
Would it make any difference?
No. Probably not. She can’t unsee what she saw.
And I can’t change the things I’ve done.
It isn’t lost on me that this situation with Pepper mirrors what went down with my mom. All I wanted to do was protect the women in my life, the women I loved, and the result was losing their love forever.
As if my ma is telepathically connected to me, she picks that moment to call. I close my eyes, my thumb hovering over the ‘reject call’ button.
Nah, I can’t do it to her. I answer, “Hey, Ma.”
“Tony. How are you?”
“Eh. Hanging in there. How about you?”
“Are you still spending time with that singer? Pepper Heart? She’s such a pretty girl. I keep looking at this picture of the two of you that you sent over. It’s so sweet.”
The gaping hole in my chest widens to Grand Canyon proportions. I rub my head. “No, Ma. Something happened, actually.” I never talk to my mom about real stuff. Not about my job, my life, anything. We keep to the weather and what we ate for dinner. But for some reason, it all comes spilling out now. Maybe there’s too much to keep in. The dam won’t hold.
“What happened?” my mom demands.
“Well,” I draw a breath. Am I actually thinking about telling her the truth? It seems crazy, and yet the only thing to do. “I felt like her life was in danger. And I did what I had to do. Kinda like what happened with you, once. Do you know what I mean?”
“Oh, Tony.” My mom’s voice chokes. In all the years since it happened, she and I have never talked about that night. “Is she all right? Are you all right?”
“Yeah, Ma. We’re safe. But she… well, she’s done with me. I went too far.”
I hear my mom stifling a sob. Madonna. Have I ever seen her cry since that night? I don’t think I have.
I drop my elbows to my knees, pressing the phone against my ear. “Ma, I’m sorry.” I lower my voice. “I know you didn’t necessarily want rescuing, and uh, I know you can’t really forgive me for what I did that night.”
My mom sniffs, but her voice comes out strong. “What are you talking about? Forgive you? For saving our lives? What is there to forgive? I just can’t forgive myself.”
It’s my turn to sound dumbfounded. “For what, Ma?”
I hear stifled sobs. “For not leaving him. Not getting us out of that situation. My fourteen-year-old boy shouldn’t have had to sell his soul to the devil because I was too big a coward to take care of him.”
Fuck I wish I was there to hold her. “Ma, no,” I soothe. “I made that choice on my own. It’s on me. And it hasn’t turned out that bad. The devil’s locked up. I’m running a casino now. It’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m a businessman.”
“Well,” she sniffs, seeming to cheer up. “So what are you going to do about your girlfriend?”
“I don’t know, Ma. I don’t think there’s anything I can do.”
“You were never one to shrink from a challenge. You’ll figure something out, Tony. She’ll realize you only had her best interests in mind.”
“I don’t think so, Ma. But thanks.”
“Well, if you do, I’m going to fly out there to see her show.”
I nearly laugh from shock. “What?”
“You heard me. When you get back together with Pepper Heart, I’m going to come and see her show at your casino. I want to meet her.”
I swallow down the lump in my throat. “That would be great, Ma. Thanks.”
“I love you, Tony.”
“I love you, too.”
I hang up, the scab I’ve carried for my entire adult life scraped off and raw. But definitely on the mend.
I hear footsteps walking behind the stage. Stupidly, for one instant, I think I’m going to see Pepper up there.
Instead, I find the blue-haired stage manager walking past, muttering something. She jumps and shrieks when she sees me. “Oh.” She’s afraid of me, like most people are. She holds up a sweatshirt. “Just came back for this.”
I grunt and she starts to walk away, then stops and pivots. “What went wrong with you and Pepper?”
I cock a brow. The question is too intrusive and I’m too raw to entertain it. But then again, this woman is the only connection I have to Pepper right now. I rub the back of my neck. “She couldn’t stomach my job.”
“Ah,” the roadie says like she knows exactly what that means. “Seems like she knew about that going in, though.”
“Knowing and witnessing are two different things.”
“Right. Well, you need to fight for her. Because you’re the best thing that’s happened to her since I’ve been on this crazy train. You make her happy. And she needs a guy like you around.” She glances toward the hallway where I smashed Hugh to the wall. “For a variety of reasons.”
“I’m not gonna force myself on her.”
“No, of course not. But don’t just give up. She deserves a little effort, don’t you think?” The woman doesn’t wait for my answer, just turns and clomps off down the hall in her combat boots and faded jeans.
A little effort.
Damn straight Pepper deserves a little effort.
I just have to figure out what shape it should take.