Pepper
Mom:Pepper, where are you? Everyone’s worried.
Me: I’m safe. Taking some time off for a few days.
Mom: You have responsibilities here. I understand you weren’t supposed to leave the Bellissimo. You’re already in a lot of trouble. Hugh is beside himself. Don’t make this worse.
I don’t answer. The mention of Hugh means they didn’t hear me when I said I was done with him. They can worry their little pants off. All of them.
The one person I haven’t heard from is Tony.
I’m not saying I want to hear from him. I don’t.
But I feel the absence of him everywhere. My body grieves his touch. My soul longs for his quiet presence, his protective strength. My heart? My heart breaks and breaks and breaks.
And breaks.
I can’t cry. I’ve tried-I feel like I need to. But I just can’t get the tears to come. Instead, I’m locked in a semi-numb state.
It’s far too much like the one I’d been living in before Tony, and for that reason alone, I want to throw things. Break things. Rant and rave and tear my hair out until something changes.
The good news is I wrote four songs in the last two days.
I haven’t slept, though.
I spend all night waking up and looking for him. We only spent one night together. I mean one sleepover night. So it makes no sense that I’d miss his body in bed. But nothing makes sense.
It doesn’t make sense that a hardened, violent man could be so gentle. Doesn’t make sense that I bloomed in his presence-shook off the sleeping potion that had kept me locked in a stupor for the last few years. The depressive shell I’d retreated into.
It doesn’t make sense that I want to rationalize it all. Make excuses for what he did. Forgive him for choking a man to death.
And yet I already have.
But that doesn’t change the fact that this isn’t a healthy relationship. I can’t be with a man who gets in high speed chases with hitmen. I can’t associate with killers.
And yet all I see is the stark regret on his face when he faced me. And I keep hearing the story he told me about his dad.
I want to weep for that brave, abused boy. The child who learned violence from the cradle, and who used it to make things right in his world. A soldier who lives by a code of honor, despite it all. He believes in loyalty and friendship. He never hurts women.
He wants to make his mother happy and she won’t let him.
Tony what have you done?
I threw the same words at him that she did, without even meaning to. Every time I remember it, I want to puke.
Just like her, I judged him for killing in self-defense.
A buzzer sounds from the front gate. I freeze. I haven’t told anyone where I went-not even Izzy. I half-expect my parents to show up any day, since they live here and I’m not in Vegas anymore, but they wouldn’t ring the bell.
I go to the security screen to see who it is.
There, staring up into the camera, is Tony. He hasn’t shaved in a few days, and the sexy new growth outlines the square line of his jaw. His face is screwed up tight. It makes him appear even more fearsome than usual, but under the thunderous visage, I see worry.
My heart stumbles and falls. I can’t face him. I really can’t.
I don’t even trust myself to see him. Because if I do, I’ll probably fall right back into his arms again.
And that would be a mistake.
I push the button. “Tony.”
“Songbird.”
“How did you know I’d be here?” My voice is better after not talking for two days. It comes out clear.
He scrubs the new beard. “I didn’t. I just thought I’d try.”
He flew all the way to L. A. to try.
“Tony, I want to be alone right now. Please go.”
The muscle in his jaw flexes, standing out even under the stubble. He looks away from the camera, a hard stare toward the house. “I need you to come back to the casino, Pepper.” The tightness in his voice tells me this is the mobster talking, not the man I called my lover.
He could make me. I know that. I saw how easily he broke into Hugh’s house and emptied it. I saw how he disarmed a killer and eliminated the threat. It would be nothing for him to get through my gate and the locks on my front door, throw me over his shoulder and carry me off.
I don’t answer.
Tony closes his eyes like he’s summoning patience.
“Please go,” I plead.
He opens his lids and looks at the camera again. There are dark circles under his eyes like he hasn’t been sleeping. “You have someone on security detail here?”
There’s the man who cares about me.
“Yes. Twenty-four seven surveillance. And I won’t leave the grounds without a bodyguard.” I don’t plan to leave the grounds at all, but I don’t tell him that.
He grunts his approval. “Tell me you’re coming back for the show Friday.” I hear resignation in his voice. Or is it defeat?
My chest tightens.
“Yes. Of course. I’ll fulfill my obligations.” I don’t mean to put a bitter note in my words, but it comes through, anyway.
Tony nods. And that’s it. He doesn’t even say goodbye, just gets in his car and drives away.
And now, finally, the tears fall.
I cry for what we both lost. I cry because Tony Brando honors me enough to give me my freedom and agency, even when under pressure from his Tacone bosses. And also because he didn’t stay and beat down my door and promise he can somehow fix our broken pieces.
I cry until my eyes are puffy and my head aches.
And then I cry some more.