“I’m fine, I just need a moment.” I breathe deeply, calming myself down. Brody nods before moving away from me, creating some distance. Awkward tension fills the air and I wish the ground would open me up and swallow me whole. I don’t want to be here right now, not when the confrontation is beginning to escalate.
“He’s really angry, isn’t he?”
I nod my head, focusing on the oxygen filling my lungs.
“Yes, I don’t agree with him being an ass to you but I don’t blame him for being angry. Jedd and Tia are the only people who saw how hard the break up was on me. He’s being protective, just like an older brother should be.” I defend him, slumping in relief as I’m finally able to control my breathing again.
“I don’t blame him either.” Brody says quietly, his eyes flickering over to study my face. “I don’t like the way he yelled at you though Bella.”
I close my eyes, rubbing the spot between my eyebrows to relieve some of the tension.
“I’ve never seen him so angry before, he scared me.” I muttered, my voice wavering. I don’t know why I’m being so truthful with Brody all of a sudden but it’s nice to finally speak my mind.
“I should probably go talk to him.” Brody says, his voice neutral. He begins to wheel towards the exit but I shake my head, standing up.
“Don’t! Give him time to cool down. I don’t want him saying something that he’ll later regret.” There’s a long pause before Brody turns around, his face neutral.
“Once the sun comes up, I’ll leave. There’s no point in me hanging around.” I frown at him, my eyebrows creased together.
“I don’t want you to leave.” “I think it’s probably best.”
“So you’re going to run away again?” I ask him, unable to withdraw the hostility from my voice. He snaps his head towards me, green eyes narrowing.
“I’m not running away from anything.” “You’re running away from me.”
“I’m running from your crazy brother who looks like he wants to behead me!” Brody says tightly, his voice rising.
“Don’t talk about him like that, he’s not crazy.” I say quietly, my voice firm. Brody inhales deeply, the sound of his breathing filling the empty silence.
“Is this ever going to work?” He questions and I can feel his eyes burning into my face. The intensity of his stare has me squirming underneath it.
“I don’t know.” I answer truthfully, my voice defeated. I reach up and run a hand over my face, feeling completely drained and exhausted. My thoughts are continuously rattling around in my brain, making it hard to think clearly.
“It’s hard for me to sit in this stupid chair and not be able to protect you or stand up for you like I want to.” Brody says, completely catching me off guard. I turn towards him, studying his deflated posture.
“You don’t have to stand up for me,” I say quietly, my voice wavering. Brody glances up at me from under his lashes, his voice completely softening.
“I know you’re more than capable of looking after yourself Bella but it’s hard for me to see someone scream at you and not be able to do anything about it. I can’t walk up to you and wrap you in a hug. Every movement I make feels like agony and I’m useless to you. I’m useless to everyone.”
His voice cracks at the end and I inhale sharply, feeling my heart break on the inside. This is the boy I first fell in love with,
the boy so full of life and confidence. The one person who pulled me straight out of the darkness in my life only to drop himself right back in it. He now resembled someone completely opposite to his old-self. As I studied him, I finally realise who I can see.
I see myself.
The old me.
The broken me.
My legs begin to move and I sit down in front of him, crossing my legs. Silently I reach up for his hand and give it a squeeze. His head is bowed down, eyes lifeless and I feel the twinge in my heart again. I can’t keep denying it anymore, I still care. I care so much that my heart is aching from seeing him so broken.
“You are far than useless to me Brody. Being around you feels like a light has been ignited inside my body and mind. You bring me to life and you have done since I first spoke to you in that corridor. I can’t keep denying that despite how scary it is to admit it to you.” I breathe out, my fingers caressing his hands. He remains silent, his eyes closed. I take it as my cue to continue —
“I still care about you and seeing you like this is breaking my heart. I don’t want you to define yourself using the wheelchair, you’re so much more than a disability. You will learn to walk again Brody and I’ll be your number one supporter if you still want me to be.” I say quietly.
“What about Jedd?” Brody asks me, his voice small. I place a hand on his knee, giving him a small smile before shrugging.
“Jedd will come round.”
“You’re amazing Bella Winters, you know that?” Brody eventually smiles. I don’t respond to his question and instead rest my head against his right leg, closing my eyes. Our hands are still intertwined and I can feel his scent ravelling around me, comforting me. His fingers find their way to my hair and I breathe in sharply as he begins to massage through the strands. It sends a shiver running down my back but also wraps me in complete comfort, causing my eyes to grow heavy.
A silence falls upon us both and I eventually feel my breathing even out. It isn’t long until I’m asleep, resting against Brody, our hands still intertwined.
*****
Brody’s POV –
I don’t know how long I’ve sat here, watching her sleeping on me. Her right hand is still wrapped tightly in mine and I mirror her strong grip, too scared to let go. The aching emptiness inside my heart feels full again and I don’t want the feeling to disappear.
My eyes wonder over her sleeping face, her thick lashes and full lips. I want to bend down and press my own against hers but I know it’ll scare her off. Guilt consumes my entire being as I think about how much I hurt her.
Idiot. Complete fucking idiot.
My eyes wonder over the strands of her long hair, the blonde cascading down her shoulders. The skin exposed around her shoulders and arms are golden and inviting and my fingers twitch to run down them. I want to see goosebumps cover her entire body, goosebumps caused by me. I can’t help but notice how toned yet curvy her body has become, lean legs that seem to go on forever in her tight shorts. She doesn’t realise the effect she has on me wearing the most simplest of clothing.
To this day, she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on. A beautiful soul to match the innocence and purity in her eyes. I see something else behind her eyes these days, pain. Pain that I’ve caused. I didn’t realise how deep we’d both fallen until it was too late.
When I was lying in that hospital bed, I thought breaking things off with her was the right thing to do. Mum continuously reminded me of how Bella would be held back from living her own life.
Nobody wants a cripple as a boyfriend.
I close my eyes and breathe deeply, forcing myself to push the negative thoughts out of my mind. I broke up with Bella to save her but I didn’t realise that I’d be tearing her apart, ripping away her ability to trust. Since that day we broke up, I’ve never felt such loneliness and pain invade my heart. I regret it with every fibre in my body. I regret ever listening to my wicked mother, damn it.
I can feel the anger bubbling to the surface again, anger I’ve worked months on to keep at bay. My relationship with my mother is non-existent and I blame her entirely for breaking my self esteem. I’ve
spent days, weeks, months hating myself and my disability.
A five minute conversation with Bella took those self-loathing thoughts away instantly.
With my free hand, I run my fingers through her hair, loving the way it glides straight through. The strands are soft and I wonder how the rest of her body would feel beneath the touch of my fingers. A shiver of anticipation shoots through me and I stir in my chair, biting down hard on the inside of my cheek to control my thoughts. I can’t help it, I’ve spent months being so far away from her. Now she’s lying pressed up against me, her head resting against my leg as she sleeps peacefully.
I run a finger down the exposed skin around her neck, unable to stop the contact between our bodies. She shivers underneath me, her eyelashes fluttering as I disturb her sleep.
“Brody,” she mumbles, her words barely audible. I clench my jaw tightly, loving the way my name sounds coming from her lips.
“Fuck,” I murmur, my throat drying out. I’ve dreamt of her being this close for so long that I can’t help but question whether I’m dreaming again. The ice-cold reality is that I don’t deserve to think about her, I don’t deserve to be touching her. I don’t deserve to have her so close to me because I hurt her.
The anger directed at myself continues to grow and I close my eyes, battling with myself over the decision I should make.
Would it be the right thing to leave her now and save her from further heartache? Or should I fight until my last breath to gain back her trust and love?