“Do you need some help Bella?” Jedd asks, slightly amused as I finally manage to squeeze through the front door. I let out a heavy sigh, dropping the six shopping bags to the floor softly.
“Oh-my-frickin’-goodness. Remind me never to go shopping with Tia, ever again.” I say, rubbing my sore arms. Jedd raises his brows, scanning the bags.
“She got you all this?” He asks and I shake my head.
“I bought a few things too. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for a better friend than Tia. I had a great day,” I smile a genuine smile. Jedd leans against the wall, biting down into an apple. He chews and swallows it before looking at me sternly.
“Considering you had such a good time, I’m not going to tell you off for bunking school.”
I bite down on my lower lip, completely forgetting that I’d skipped school to go shopping for the day. My mouth opens slightly and I avert my gaze from him, looking sheepish.
“Is it too late now to say sorry?” I ask him and he pauses, amusement flashing through his eyes.
“Did you just quote Justin Bieber lyrics?” Jedd asks, looking bewildered. I bite down on my lower lip, letting out a small giggle.
“I’m surprised you know who Justin Bieber is.”
At this, Jedd grins at me, his eyes shining in my direction.
“Go change, dinner will be ready in five.” He says, shaking his head fondly. I beam at him before heading for the stairs but as I’m halfway up, he stops me.
“Bella?”
“Yes?”
“I’m glad you’re happy again. Even if it’s only for a few minutes, I’m glad.”
I don’t reply but nod, giving him a small smile. The rest of the way up the stairs, I remind myself to breathe deeply. Happiness doesn’t fill the empty space in my heart but a small part of me thinks I can live with it. Time heals wounds. I repeat this over and over again in my head, ignoring the voice inside of me that is disagreeing.
*****
Self improvement is important for your wellbeing. Working on a healthier, happier you is great for the body and soul. Taking an hour out of your busy schedule to sit back, relax and focus on yourself is important. I find myself changing into my newly purchased gym outfit, black leggings with a bright blue vest. I tie my hair up and place each earbud inside my ears before turning the music on. The sound of the beats fills the emptiness and silence inside my head and I let out a breath of relief.
I know I can’t run very well but I still try.
I jog down the empty roads at night, breathing in the fresh, crisp air. The weather is cold, body numbingly cold but I enjoy not being able to feel. I glance up at the night sky, desperate to see the shine and sparkle of the stars. I need to see them to feel their comfort, have their brightness fill my heart with longing once again.
Black.
The sky is black, the stars hidden behind the haze of a dark cloud. I slow down to a slow walk, droplets of rain falling down my cheeks. My lungs tighten and expand, sucking in oxygen greedily. I bend over, placing my hands on my knees as I focus on my breathing. It feels like a fire has been ignited inside of my body, burning away at every muscle, every skin particle. I let out a quiet whimper, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. The wet on my cheeks increases and I reach up, wiping it away.
That’s when I realise it isn’t raining, the droplets are my tears.
*****
I walk until my legs burn from the effort. I walk until I feel like I’m about to collapse, the roaring sound of the music pounding through my ears. It becomes almost deafening but I continue to listen, clinging onto every lyric and meaning behind the words.
When I look up at the tall building looming over me, I blink, crashing back down to reality. The grey dull hospital building looks back at me, waiting for my next movement. My eyes scan each patient window, wondering who lays inside. I want to pretend like I’m interested in their story but I’m only here for one person.
I only want to know Brody’s story.
I close my eyes, taking a seat on the bench in front of me. The metal is cold, sending ice bolts travelling through my body. Through the darkness behind my eyelids, I picture his face. Large beautiful eyes with a smile capable of melting ice hearts. The small dimple indented in his smooth skin and the crinkles around his eyes as he laughs. I want to hear the sound of his laughter again and the simple thought of it causes a ghost of a smile to flicker across my own face.
Being here tends to the wound in my heart, although not full, the pain feels better. Tolerable. I don’t know whether I should go inside, I don’t know if he wants to see me or not. Guessing from the lack of communication (which is actually non-existent) Brody wants nothing to do with me. It’s funny how people walk in and out of your life, some more impressionable than others.
Brody didn’t just leave an impression, he god damn consumed my entire thoughts. “Bella?”
I let out a small gasp, surprised at being interrupted from my constant whirlwind of thoughts. I jump to my feet, dusting off imaginary pieces of lint from my clothing. In front of me stands Brody’s Mum, a questioning look on her face. She’s holding a set of keys in her hand and was probably heading for the car park before she saw me.
Immediately I feel the nerves inside of me increase, a blush creeping up my neck from being caught out. Geez, how creepy and desperate do I look right now? Sitting outside the hospital where my ex boyfriend lies, in the complete dark, alone. That’s pretty desperate. I blow out a deep breath, shakily taking a step forward.
“Mrs Baxter, it’s nice to see you again.” I say quietly, clearing my throat. I haven’t spoken a single word for hours which causes my mouth to feel dry. Pity flashes across her eyes and I bite down on my lower lip, cursing at myself.
Why the hell did I come here?
“What are you doing here?” She asks rather abruptly, her hostile tone taking me by surprise. I blink twice and open my mouth to reply, stuttering.
“I – I was out for a walk.” I say miserably.
She raises one eyebrow, glancing around at her surroundings.
“It’s almost midnight Bella and you’re on hospital grounds.” Her mouth is set in a thin line, perfectly arched eyebrow raised at me judgementally.
“It’s a free country, I’m allowed to walk anywhere I want to.” I snap back at her, surprised at myself for taking a stand. Her beady eyes narrow at me and I question how someone so cold could create someone like Brody.
“H-how is he? B-Brody?” I ask quietly, fiddling with my fingers. As soon as I say his name, I regret it. The tears form in my eyes and I do everything I can to blink them back. I think of happy thoughts, cute bunnies and even pinch my skin to snap me out of it.
“Considering the circumstances, he’s improving. He doesn’t need a distraction Bella.” Mrs Baxter says firmly, her words directed at me. I can feel the anger inside of me beginning to bubble, I’m simply asking a question. I know Brody’s mother doesn’t like me but I don’t care for her much either. I don’t really understand what I’ve done to make her dislike me so much. That’s the thing with some people, they hold a grudge for no reason at all.
“Right, noted. It’s good to hear he’s improving.” I say politely, stepping around her to walk away. I need to leave before I say something I regret. Part of me feels happy for Brody, in all the pain and heartache, at least he’s improving.
“Oh, and Bella?”
I turn around, giving her a questionable look.
“Stay away from the hospital.” She warns me off, her tone threatening. Her eyes narrow further and if looks could kill, I’d be buried six feet under by now. With all the confidence I can muster in the situation, I shoot her my best smile.
“Like I said before, it’s a free country. I’ll go where I god damn want to.”
I surprise myself at my confidence and I whirl back around so she doesn’t see me having to suck in a deep breath. With my final words, I walk away from the hospital and away from Brody, ignoring the way my legs shake underneath me.